Not By the Hair of My Chin: The 10 Most Grotesque Goatees in the MLB
There are a number of trends in baseball that I'd love to see die; puka necklaces, the overuse of the phrase "going yard," and shaving cream pies come to mind. At the top of the list, however, is the goatee.
Into the 1980s, the mustache dominated baseball facial hair. Amazing hair patterns graced the upper lips of players such as Rollie Fingers, Catfish Hunter, and Goose Gossage, just to name a few.
Popularized by the likes of actors Burt Reynolds, Charles Bronson, and Chuck Norris, the "stache made players look heroic, if not a bit villainous.
Along came Jeff Bagwell, whose facial folly forever changed the face of baseball aesthetics. Not to say that "Bags" pioneered the baseball goatee, but he certainly brought it to prominence.
Monstrosities such as the "soul patch", the "landing strip", and the "thinker's pad" have taken the league by storm.
Take a look as we examine some of the most grotesque goatees in modern baseball.
Chicago White Sox closer Bobby Jenks has one of the most distinctive goatees around.
"Big Bad Bobby" weighs 275 pounds and bleaches his goatee, making him look like a cheap pro wrestler. At one point, Jenks even dyed it purple, giving him the most ridiculous goatee in the game.
Jason Motte started the 2009 season as the St. Louis Cardinals closer. After giving up four runs in the ninth inning on Opening Day and blowing the save, Motte was demoted to middle relief.
Looks like Motte couldn't quite get the closer thing right. Mixing his goatee with a stubble beard, it appears that Jason can't quite get the facial hair thing right, either.
Oddly enough, Jason Motte's ninth inning replacement, Ryan Franklin, sports a bigger and bushier version of the stubble beard/goatee combo.
As a member of the 2000 USA Olympic baseball team, Franklin brought home the gold. Franklin was also just the eighth player to be suspended by MLB for steroid use back in 2005.
Jayson Werth is a solid hitting right-fielder for the Philadelphia Phillies.
Werth was with the team last season when they won the 2008 World Series against the Tampa Bay Rays. Werth and the Phillies return this year to face the New York Yankees.
Jayson Werth also introduced the "landing strip" to baseball. I'm not sure what is supposed to land on Werth's chin, nor do I want to know.
Boston Red Sox hard-hitting first baseman Kevin Youkilis was a member of that historic 2004 championship team that took America by storm.
"Youk" is one of the more prominent Jewish baseball players since Hank Greenberg.
Though Youkilis may not have any hair on his head, he has plenty on his chin.
Chipper Jones has been the face of the Atlanta Braves since the 1990s.
One of the best third basemen in MLB history, Chipper was recognized as the 1999 National League MVP.
Once heralded as the "classic " baseball player for his wholesome look, Chipper gave in to the less classic goatee look.
Colorado Rockies utility outfielder Ryan Spilborghs is a fan of the "soul patch".
I once sat in the outfield bleachers of Turner Field before a game to watch Spilborghs constantly torture kids by pretending to throw batting practice balls their way, laughing as he eventually threw them back towards home plate.
Ryan Spilborghs is a creep.
The other member of the Philadelphia Phillies on our list is Joe Blanton. Blanton is a starting pitcher who also hit a home run in last year's World Series.
Joe Blanton dons what is known as the "thinker's pad."
The Boston Red Sox traded Adam LaRoche to the Atlanta Braves for first baseman Casey Kotchman.
Kotchman has seen significantly decreased playing tome in Beantown, playing behind the goatee of Kevin Youkilis.
Best known for a 20-strikeout game, constant arm injuries, and unfulfilled potential.
Now a closer for the Cleveland Indians, Wood tries to get back on track. The first step is apparently to grow his goatee longer to complement his death-stare.