Speaking from the Hot Seat: Les Miles Put Through U.N-Style Translation (Humor)

(Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

The chorus of Les Miles critics has done nothing but turn up the volume during LSU's off week, leading some to speculate that Les is on the hot seat.

LSU fans must be hearing the muted snickers of their fellow SEC fans, who routinely mock LSU's coach yet wonder how he wins so often.

With that in mind, and LSU facing a huge game this week against the suddenly spiraling Auburn Tigers, Les climbed the podium and spoke to the press at his weekly luncheon.

I however, have contacted a highly trained U.N. translator who, in her spare time, studies Lesglish, and has provided me with a transcript of what Les' carefully thought out comments really mean. 

Les said:

"I really feel like the open date went well for us with possibly one exception. Russell Shepard was sick the entire time, and we really didn’t get a lot of snaps from him,"

Les means:

"Okay, do you hear that? The guy was sick. He was puking his guts out every ten minutes. Just the whiff of food anywhere within 500 yards of him sent him to bury his head in a Kohler. I am not putting a nutrition-deprived, prone-to-puke freshman out there against that Gator defense. So get off my back!"

Les says:

"I think Ciron Black has played well overall. I think he himself would have enjoyed playing better at times."

Les means:

"Ciron is depressed because his draft stock is dropping faster than Bernie Madoff's net worth."

Les says:

"I think there is a point in time when he (Jordan Jefferson) is very efficient in certain aspects and really has a comfort there and wants to stay there."

Les means:

"Yeah, well, he needs to know we can't hand off on every play."

Les said:

"We like to call plays that are efficient and are completed. The balls that he’s throwing, he throws well."

Les means:

"Jefferson looks good in warmups."

Les says:

"I think the opportunity for him (backup quarterback and 2008 goat Jarrett Lee) to come in and play certainly may arise. There is no preconceived notion at this point.”

Les means:

"Ohhhhhh, no. Oh no no no no no no no. No way. A tazillion times no. Damn strong no. The only way he gets in the game is if I have just had a coronary and Jordan Jefferson is the only person who can operate the paddles."

Les says:

"We’ve instructed him in ways that let him know where he should be throwing the football and the timing of those throws. He’s improved, and I don’t know if that’s the issue."

Les means:

"The issue is that he can't pass."

Les says:

"I think Drake Nevis, Charles Alexander, Al Woods, and all those guys are playing extremely well and are guys that we count on to give us great push in the front. They’re thinner. Charles Alexander has lost weight and is probably playing the best football of his career. The same goes for Al Woods."

Les means:

"I miss Glen Dorsey like you wouldn't believe."

My U.N. translator rates Lesglish as slightly between Hungarian and Chinese for expressiveness, syntax, and vocabulary.

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