Derek Jeter: Have You Been to My Website Lately?

(Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)

Dear Derek Jeter,

Fine. You persisted. You asked me, day after day, for months and years, “Have you been to my website lately?”

So I went. I was driven to check it out. Let me tell you something. It wasn’t all you’ve hyped it to be.

The first thing I noticed was that it made the processor in my computer go wild. That site ate up resources faster than C.C. at the buffet.

I tried some of the cheesy flash games. They sucked. I have a feeling they were developed in a single day, and thrown together for the sake of having something on the site. One was a lame game where you had to "be a major league shortstop" and catch balls, but the balls were thrown to all parts of the field—from in front of the plate all the way to the wall. I know you’ve got a huge ego, but do you really think you can play defense so well you don’t need the other eight guys?

Then I played the racing game, which came with no instructions, and featured racing against two other cars, none of which seemed to resemble the Ford Edge you’re always hyping. I had no idea what I was supposed to do so I just tried to ram the other cars. Unfortunately, collisions weren’t programmed in and I just passed through it like it wasn’t there.

After finding another link to the racing game, I played some trivia. Silly questions about Ford products mixed in with questions about your accomplishments as a player. Yawn.

After I figured out how to navigate the TV part of your site, I watched the outtakes. Most of them were you just stumbling over words or forgetting what you were saying while standing in front of a green screen. They weren’t very good.

But the best part just had to be the "hidden" icons that popped up thrilling information about Ford products when I scrolled over them. “Ford is second to none in terms of quality.”

I did it. I finally visited your website, and it was a horrible waste of my time. Can you please shut up now?

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