We’ve all been there. It’s Sunday and you're stoked for the NFL Game of the Week. It's around 12:30 p.m. EST and you’re busy killing your hangover by throwing back shots of Jack Daniels for breakfast while searching the Internet for news on LaDainian Tomlinson’s new vaginal injury to see where your money should be going.
It’s beautiful outside and you could not care less because there’s football on TV. There’s no reason to leave the house today unless you run out of beer. Even God took Sundays off. Why can’t you?
Because you have a girlfriend and she’s not putting up with you sitting on the couch all day.
So, for all the guys out there who have this dilemma, we’ve hatched a list of 10 surefire ways to get that hag out of the house so you can enjoy the day you’ve waited for all week. It’s the least we can do so you can spend your days with us, instead of her.
LAST DITCH EFFORTS
10. Encourage Office Romance
Huh? Why would you do that? Because if your girlfriend is as vindictive as my ex-girlfriends are then they’ll hate your guts for liking football, as if God forbids you from enjoying hobbies!
The more you commit your Sundays to football, and your Saturday nights to college ball (and your March to college basketball, and October to baseball…you get the idea), the more she’ll feel inclined to stab you in the face with a budding affair that will never go anywhere.
Chances are that the guy who’s hitting on your girlfriend or wife at work is such a douchebag that he doesn’t even like sports. So really, all you have to do is find some way to get her to spend the day with this chump and you’re set.
The best way? Act like it really, really bothers you that she spends her free time with him. My favorite part about this is that she won’t do anything while out on her “date”…and when she gets back, you can be justifiably angry at her and completely ignore her while enjoying Sunday Night Football.
9. Use Tequila On Saturday Night To Stir Up A Fight
This is when your gleeful betting habits collide with your awesome drinking habits. Get her drunk on Saturday night and just start fighting with her over something dumb. Here are some great kick-starters:
“Jon Gosselin is soooooo the victim! Are you nuts?”
“I hear what you’re saying, but you could still clean the toilet a few more times a week…”
“What do you mean Letterman’s wife should be upset? Why? Because of all the money he brings home?”
Once things go south just flip the script and pretend like she’s attacking you personally. When you get so irate that you storm home and tell her “not to bother to come home” you’ll be free as a bird on Sunday.
When she calls you on Sunday, just tell her at halftime, “Listen, I just can’t talk right now…I’m still upset over last night…I just need a few more hours, ok?” Then, once your team has hit the TOTAL, you can invite her back over.
8. Bet Your Life Savings On A Rams Away Game
Granted, this strategy has a lot more potential to damage you in the long-term, but the short-term benefits are what we’re focused on here.
Once you’re done trying to convince her that "the Rams are due!," she’ll have slapped you in the face and kicked you in the balls. Now all you have to do is just bolt the door shut once she’s gone and block all of the calls from her mother’s house.
Hey, it’s called a “last ditch effort” for a reason! Desperate times call for desperate measures…and nothing is more desperate than banking your entire life savings on Kyle Boller away from home.
SEND HER ON AN ALL-EXPENSES TRIP
7. Keep A Loaded Gun
I mean that figuratively, not literally. Unless you’re a total relationship failure, she’s done something in recent memory that she still owes you for.
So, when I say that you’re sending her on a “trip,” I’m really just telling you that it’s about time you call in the favor and send her on a guilt trip.
This probably isn’t the best time to do so, and you’ll probably screw up down the road and wish you hadn’t burned this favor, but at least you’ll have all of Sunday to yourself!
WHY YOU HAVE FRIENDS
6. Gather The Wives
You have one friend who has a cool wife or girlfriend. You do. She’s awesome, with the only discernible dent in her resume being that she doesn’t really like sports. This woman is your ally.
One quick call to her to rally the girls to go shopping (or whatever the hell women do in their spare time) and pretend like they’re the whores from Sex In The City for a day, and she’ll be gone for hours.
Sure, it’ll put a gushing knife wound in your shared credit card, but that’s the price you have to pay for freedom sometimes.
5. Invite That Guy She Hates To Watch The Game
I have a friend, whom we’re going to call “Pete” for this article, that is as horrifically inappropriate to my girlfriend as any guy can be.
He hits on her when he’s drunk, he makes lewd comments to anything with breasts, and he stinks to high hell.
You know you have a “Pete” in your arsenal. You don’t mind him, but your girlfriend hates him. It’s time to use him.
So when Sunday morning rolls around, walk back in to the bedroom with your cell phone in hand and say with genuine depression in your voice, “Hey, the guys are coming over today, and one of them accidentally invited Pete over. I just wanted to give you the heads up because I know you’re not his biggest fan.” This cleverly disguised ploy comes off as a favor, so it’s a win-win.
4. Don’t Let Your Friends Take Their Shoes Off
If your wife or girlfriend is a neat-freak, the thought of 30 grungy dudes filling up your living room will drive her insane.
If the sight of muddy carpets, beer stained couches, and tumbled chili-dogs is enough to put her in “Kate mode,” then you’re on the verge of getting her out of the house. All she needs is a little nudge.
Get your friends over about an hour before game time, make sure they track as much mud and crap through your beautiful house as possible, and make sure she sees it. You can even have some of them to break something. Whatever.
By the time there are too many people in the house to kick out, she’ll be storming out the front door screaming, “This goddamn mess better be cleaned up by the time I get home!” Get $10 from all your buds, call Molly Maid, and you’re good to go.
THE GOOD IDEAS
3. Find A Cooler Girlfriend
She may be a budding doctor, or a sharp real estate agent that makes boat loads of money.
Either way, if she’s not going to genuinely support your hobbies by cooking your friends lunch and serving up Patron every time there’s a touchdown, it’s about time you get rid of her.
2. Surprise Her
When she wakes up in the morning, tell her, “Hey, you need to get out of the house and keep yourself busy…I have a surprise for you.”
She’ll spend all day running around town thinking about what the surprise is and you’ll spend all day without her constant chirping while the Bengals are burning up the spread.
Now, if you’re a real dick head, when she comes home you’ll just tell her that you lied to her to get her out of the house.
But if you’re smart, then you’ll get all the supplies you need on Saturday and surprise her with something sweet that will lead to the perfect end to your perfect Sunday: a blowjob.
1. Three Words: Spa Gift Certificate
My buddy does this every week to get his wife out of the house, because he’d rather spend $100 on facials and muddy rubdowns than listen to his wife chatter on about all the stuff he’s supposed to fixing in the house.
He gets her a gift certificate to a spa so she can treat herself to a “day for herself,” and he can enjoy Sundays in peace.
The best part? The spa is about an hour and a half away from his house. Two hours if there’s bad traffic.
The other best part? Watching my buddy lose his mind after betting a two-team parlay failure that was intended to cover the cost of the gift certificate.