Why the Oakland Raiders Suck So Bad

Contributor Written on October 12, 2009

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It gives me no small amount of pleasure telling the world once and for all why the Raiders suck so bad. Now, I am not just talking about the team itself, but the entire organization. In the end, even you Raider lovers out there will be posting about how you have finally seen the light. But even if you come begging to our bandwagon, you can't come on, your dirty, very dirty.

The Owner is Walking Death

ALAMEDA, CA - SEPTEMBER 30: Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis speaks during a press conference to announce the firing of head coach Lane Kiffin of the Oakland Raiders at thier training facility on Septemer 30, 2008 in Alameda, California. (Photo by Jed Jac

Reason #1

The owner is death incarnate. You know your organization needs some new blood when the guy running the draft selection needs a Depends change at half-time. Will someone tell the Grim Reaper he forgot something?

Your Coach of the Month Can Star on the Show "Oz"

OAKLAND, CA - SEPTEMBER 27: Oakland Raiders head coach Tom Cable argues with side judge Barry Anderson during their game against the Denver Broncos at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum on September 27, 2009 in Oakland, California. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/

Reason #2

While the rest of the NFL's coaching staffs are diligently (how many in Raider Nation have to look that up) preparing for the coming games, Oakland's staff is playing UFC. Can someone tell this Stay-Puff Marshmallow Coach that all he had to do was sit on him, no need to blind side him like that.

Your QB is Fatter than Charles Barkley and Can't Hit a Barn With an Uzi

NEW YORK - APRIL 27: JaMarcus Russell arrives at the Serchlite/ESPN The Magazine Pre-NFL Draft 2007 Party at Club Sol April 27, 2007 in New York City. (Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

Reason #3

Do you know the only thing worse than having JaMarcus The Hutt as your quarterback?
Having the people in control of your team think he is any good.

The guy shows up to camp in need of the Nutrisystem plan, only to be the most inaccurate passer in the league. I am pretty sure the Raiders could start Helen Keller and have a better chance.

Your Last First Rounder Has More Names Than Catches

SEATTLE - SEPTEMBER 03: Darrius Heyward-Bey #12 of the Oakland Raiders stands on the field before the game against the Seattle Seahawks on September 3, 2009 at Qwest Field in Seattle, Washington. (Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images)

Reason #4

It is pretty comical when a receiver has 2 catches in five games. But hey, maybe when he gets 5 more he can have a plaque made commemorating his place chosen in the Draft with his number of caught balls.

Your Fans and Writers Are Tools

OAKLAND, CA - DECEMBER 19: A fan of the Oakland Raiders cheers during the game against the Tennessee Titans at Network Associates Coliseum on December 19, 2004 in Oakland, California. (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

Reason #5

Your fans are tools...just look at this reject. I think his Mom should have laid off the paint huffing when she was carrying..but it's obviously too late. The WORST thing about the Raider fans is every wanna-be tough guy in the world says to himself.."Hey I don't know jack about football, but they wear black and are fat just like me, so they must be tough, just like me, so that's the team for me."

Your writers are tools...It sure is funny, when the season was starting all we heard was trolls like SR talking all their smack, whoa...where are you now? Hiding under Russell's fat behind I assume. Even the writers with any skill, i.e. Raider Card Addict, have disappeared to write articles detailing what's wrong with their team..hey we have been telling you this all along but the truth hurts.

You Will Never Be the Denver Broncos

DENVER - SEPTEMBER 26: Fans cheer on as the Denver Broncos host the San Diego Chargers on September 26, 2004 at Invesco Field in Denver, Colorado. The Broncos defeated the Chargers 23-13. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

Reason #6

You will never be the Denver Broncos. I know, I know, all you Pirate-loving Raider fans are saying, "We don't want to be the stupid Horses."

But how you like these apples: We have done in one season what you cannot do in 10...turn around pointed at the Super Bowl.

GO BRONCOS!!!!!!!!!!

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written on October 12, 2009 Humor

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