10 Ways To Improve Your Basketball Game Without Shooting A Jumper

The NBA season is just nigh of kicking off. Headbands are getting stretched, refs are getting paid off, and as usual, I'm looking for ways to get better at something without trying.

I've never been good at basketball. I don't own a basketball, and I sleep in my basketball shorts. But I am great at appearing as though I'm good. I've faked more talents than Frank Drebin has faked orgasms.

So if you're like me, you will need this list of ten easy ways to get better at hoops without shooting one jump shot. Read it, learn it, use it. You'll be glad you did.

#10: Be The First To Take Your Shirt Off

Magic here will tell you - the first guy to take his shirt off is the one working the hardest on the court.

I don't care if you're in a outdoor night game in Siberia. Take your shirt off once the tipoff is decided, and you're already winning.

Plus the sooner you go shirtless, the sooner the defense will ease up on defending you, and that should probably improve your game, no matter how terrible you are.

#9: Have A Really Long Free Throw Routine

Was Jeff Hornacek a great free throw shooter? Of course not.

But for Hornacek, touching his face twenty times for every woman he ever slept with showed something to the other team. Namely, that the longer your set up goes on, the more in control you appear. That's intimidating to other players.

Throw in a long Kabbalah prayer, a few idiosyncratic bounces, stretch your quads, talk a little trash, tweet something about your experience. If the ref bounces you the ball, just let it go by.

Free throw time is your time in the spotlight. Al Jolson never rushed through his songs, and neither should you.

#8: Pimp Your Outfit

Headband, wristbands, armbands, backwards Jalen Rose jersey; more games are won in the first few moments of walking onto a court than at any point during play.

The older your jersey is dated, the better. A Lebron James jersey suggests you've only been following basketball for three years. Go early Chris Webber, Grant Hill, Alonzo Mourning. Dad got a vintage Bill Russell? Dig that out of its protective case. It's time to make a statement about defense.

Try and color-coordinate; it will look like you're an ex-pro AND a gang member. I prefer all-white jersey, shorts, and tube socks pulled up high. But I am white and 5'11". So the more I look like Larry Brown, the better I think I play.

#7: Give Advice. Any Advice.

The best basketball players know that no one else on the court knows anything about basketball except them.

If somebody is playing really well, make sure never to tell them so. If they're having success driving baseline, tell them to stay high and set more picks. Remember: the more points they score, the worse you look.

If they don't listen, accuse them of being selfish. Scrutinize their follow-through. A man's jumpshot is like a woman's ass; nobody thinks theirs looks any good.

Tell them they don't keep their feet wide enough. When they widen their stance, just make a disapproving noise with your mouth but don't use words.

Your goal is to disrupt everyone's game. If they miss, remind them that nobody is perfect, least of all them.

#6: Call The Ball In The Air

Players respect a good eye; that's why the compliment exists.

When the ball leaves your hand and is going to be a short airball or sail over the backboard, make sure to call, "Short!" or "Long!". The sooner the better; teammates will be in awe of both your honesty and your predictive ability.

Plus it's win-win: if the shot goes in, people will think you're modest. Remember to nonchalantly shrug. Nonchalance hides arrogance better than anything else.

If it does miss, make a disgusted sound, too. Your teammates must understand that for you, missing is rare. This ensures they pass to you more.

#5: Get Some Tattoos

In the NBA, there's no such thing as a bad tattoo.

Every NBA star has them, and the best part is, they're permanent. That means you only have to pay for them once! Good news for all you future stars struggling in this tough economy.

A bunch of stars, Greek gods, a potato patch, cats - they all work as long as you get total coverage up and down your 'ceps.

Go to the parlor when you've been drinking. This will open your mind to the infinite possibilities, and help ease the pain if you get queasy.

#4: When You Drive The Hoop, Go "Aiiiiiigh!"

You know the noise I mean. Every NBA player uses it. It shows you're trying. It sounds like you're being stabbed. It's there to suggest you're getting fouled.

Mine's a high, Rasheed Wallace-esque tribal welp. Like any true warrior, you must develop your own.

It's a sound meant to intimidate, so practice it a few times in your apartment. When the police arrive, challenge them to a pick-up game. They should be too busy to play.

#3: Hog The Ball In Warmups

Unless you're playing on a professional team, there's probably only one or two basketballs to use during warmups before a pick-up game.

Control these balls. The more warmed up other players are, the more accurate they will be. Ideally, they will have no idea how stiff the rim is or how forgiving the backboard is.

Shoot as many shots as you can, and make sure to get your own rebound. Call change even if you didn't make it - insist it would've gone in except for the wind. If someone makes their own shot, say you don't believe in the change thing.

Bring your own ball and say you're uncomfortable with other people using it. I've autographed mine "Shack" so that people understand it's an object of value.

Warmups last only so long, so control the clock.

#2: Shoes, Shoes, Shoes

It should go without saying: shoes are crucial.

Science has shown that expensive shoes with all-stars' names on them make you run faster and jump higher. You don't see Dwight Howard in a pair of Keds, do you?

Buy whatever is currently marketed at the highest price. In fact, buy them in a few different colors, in case someone else has the same pair. No one likes a copycat.

The new thing is to not wear shoelaces, so don't bother. If someone trips you, call goaltending. That's a free three points every time.

Most of all, try not to break them in before tipoff. Red Auerbach used to call blisters "victory-bulbs", and he won a lot of basketball games.

#1: Quit Early

If the game is in doubt, storm out early over an iffy call.

There's no "i" in team, but there are three in "strategic quitting."

Nobody's a bigger game changer than the guy who breaks up the match because of his ego.

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