Why I Want To Hate Tim Tebow

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Why I Want To Hate Tim Tebow
(Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

As a University of Alabama graduate, my loyalties obviously lie with the Tide.  I love all things crimson and white. I get chills when I hear the mumbling voice of The Bear during pregame festivities at Bryant-Denny. 

When a jealous LSU fan once tried to tell me that Nick Saban is a son-of-a-bitch, my response was, “Maybe so, but he’s OUR son-of-a-bitch now!”

I can even cheer for Auburn when they’re playing anyone but UA.  I have always believed that I should pull for the other teams in the state in which I live, and Auburn is no exception.  I won’t go as far as to yell a hearty “War Eagle”, but I will definitely let out a whoop when Auburn scores against LSU or Tennessee.

Because I am a ferocious Bama fan, and even a tiny bit of an Auburn fan, what I am going to say here might come as a surprise, and to some, may even be viewed as the worst kind of blasphemy.

I desperately want to hate Tim Tebow. 

But I can’t.

 

The kid is just too flawless.  With his behemoth size, quick, agile moves, and bionic arm, Tebow is quite the specimen to behold.  There always seems to be a glowing, angelic light that follows him around like a distorted football-esque halo.

Let’s review some basic facts, lifted and paraphrased from the Tim Tebow Wikipedia page:

He was the first college football player to both rush and pass for 20 touchdowns in a single season and was the first sophomore in history to win the Heisman Trophy.  That one statement is just the beginning of all of the football related highlights to be found about Florida’s favorite QB.

His personal life does nothing to refute his Golden Child status.

Tebow is the son of missionaries and was even born in the Philippines, where his parents were serving in 1987.  He was homeschooled by his mother because she wanted him to be in a Christian environment. For the past three offseasons, he has spent his summers in the Philippines assisting with his father’s orphanage and doing missionary work. 

He is a self-proclaimed virgin and is saving himself for marriage.  Tim has also never been a part of any scandal, or been in the media for anything other than being Mr. Wonderful. 

And, let’s face it: The man is just too cute for words.  His muscles don’t hurt him either.

 

I am constantly looking for any excuse to criticize The Chosen One, but it almost always backfires.

Tebow will throw an interception, then single-handedly bulldoze his way to the end zone on Florida’s next offensive drive.

He cried on national television when the Gators fell to Ole Miss last year.  Boo hoo. Some people probably thought, “What a baby! Grow up! Get over it!”.  But wait – the University of Florida has created a plaque with his emotional speech engraved in it, forever immortalizing his words. 

The kid hasn’t even graduated yet, and he’s already got a plaque.

There are many other examples I could site as ways that Tebow has managed to spoil my taunting phone calls to friends that are Florida fans.  I can barely get the “Nana-nana-boo boo” phrases out of my mouth before I am forced to eat my words.

So I must ask:  How can someone be THIS amazing?!?

 

My conclusion:

Tim Tebow is an alien.

 

This is the only logical explanation. No regular human being on the planet can even compare to the other-worldly qualities of Timmy the Magnificent.

The light that shines out of Tebow’s butt must be a homing device placed inside him during a South Park style probe before he was sent to Earth to be the Football Spy for Planet X.

Yes. That must be it.

As much as I want to hate Tim Tebow for being so freakin’ perfect...

I just can’t.

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