1. Mike Barwis doesn’t like when Mr. T submissively urinates in his presence. When asked why, Barwis said he dislikes public displays of affection.
2. Mr. T wears heavy gold chains around his neck, Barwis wears Mr. T.
3. Mike Barwis stole Chuck Norris’s bike, ate his roast beef sandwich, and impregnated his wife. These aren’t jokes but rather statements of fact. Barwis still has Norris’ upmost respect.
4. If Chuck Norris’s tears can cure cancer, then Mike Barwis’s sweat can regenerate limbs. Too bad he never sweats.
5. Mike Barwis occasional wears a t-shirt that says "I am hip-hop." If you try to call him on it he will make you bench press his 1964 GTO. Then he’ll roundhouse kick you in the taint.
6. Mike Barwis sweat can also give you Super AIDS, cure you and then give it back to you. This is the only time he CHOOSES to sweat.
7. One time at a Christmas Party Barwis slept with 17 women at the same time. It was a slow night.
8. Barwis’s wife gets headaches…if she REFUSES his sexual advances.
9. When asked what his motivation in life was, Mike Barwis replied "the wonderful smiles of all the world’s children." When he drinks moonshine, Barwis often confuses the words smiles and screams.
10. Barwis secretly nurses Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s adopted children, hence they have had to get like 35 new ones.