That's What Coach Said: College Football Coaches As Characters From "The Office"

The Office premiered a couple weeks ago, and if you ask me, it's lost a few steps in the offseason. The Jim/Michael co-manager thing isn't clicking, and I also miss Rashida Jones, who is beyond hott.

But keep in mind my first and truest love is college football.

And so, like Jim and Pam, I'd like to join the two in holy matrimony, by rebranding ten college coaches as characters from "The Office".

Let's see if this can stave off the corporate boredom for twenty minutes or so.

Ron Zook As "Michael"

You can see it in their eyes: totally blindsided by the demands of the job, pleading for acceptance, praying for a break.

A man totally out of his league, over his head, outmatched, outwitted, outcoached, undone by a single out of place stapler, or defender, as the case may be.

Incapable of developing the talent he has, Zook's solution is to accrue more and siphon away the energy from the most talented players.

It's lonely at the top. But that's no excuse for not knowing when to hang it up.

Mark Richt As "Jim"

Mark Richt: a prettyboy in a cutthroat business.

Richt has the talent and the coaching mind to ascend all the way to the top. But he's not sold on the idea that that's something he or his players want.

He lacks the edge of his contemporaries, and coaches like he's in on the whole ESS EEE SEE joke.

"Sure, we're the superior conference; that's why it's 7-6 in the fourth quarter and we don't have a first down," Richt might say, biting his upper lip and raising his eyes at the camera.

Richt is world-class material, but he doesn't know if this whole coaching thing is right for him yet.

Steve Spurrier As "Dwight"

A reputed genius, Spurrier tries to do so much with so little, but his teams face continual defeat by the true powerhouses of the SEC.

His attempt at undermining Tim Tebow for preseason SEC player of the year was indicative of his profound jealousy. His recant of that vote spoke to his lack of spine.

Lastly, Spurrier's inability to develop a quarterback since his years at Florida totally demerits his resume. But he swears he's qualified.

His prancing, face-twisting act wore thin two or three years ago.

If someone would only name him Assistant to the SEC Commissioner, then maybe he'd retire.

Kevin Sumlin As "Meredith"

Kevin Sumlin's Houston Cougars love to score.

They also love to get scored on, as the UTEP team showed this weekend, rolling up 600+ yards and 58 points on the Cougar defense.

They're spread-eagled and motioning like a drunk, if you're interested.

They also peaked in 1990.

Howard Schnellenberger As "Stanley"

Frumpy, somewhat disgruntled, getting up there in years, Howard Schnellenberger's days as a premier coach are behind him.

Schnellenberger is not without his victories, however. He's taken Florida Atlantic all the way to I-A status and held his own in bowl games despite the fierce recruiting challenges in South Florida.

He's one of the top salesman at a decidedly lesser outfit, cantankerously suffering the newfangled innovations around him.

The kids with their spread offenses and their rap tattoos and their who-goes-where-when.

Mike Leach As "Creed"

Like Creed, Leach brings such an off-the-wall mindset to a game that could otherwise lapse into the mundane world of "professionals".

In the second quarter Leach'll call an onside kick and five straight quarterback draws, because he had a vision of it working the previous night. And it will work, because it's Mike Leach, and he's awesome like that.

Plus, he can't remember his childhood. It's because he didn't have one. He emerged from the womb in a headset and a clipboard with a trips set left drawn on it.

Charlie Weis As "Angela"

Alright, so this isn't a lookalike contest.

Calculating and divisive, Weis, when cornered, tends to shift blame on extraneous factors; the refs, Willingham's recruits, the other team, the scorekeeper, Lucifer, something Bill Belichick said about his weight maybe being an issue...

He's a stubborn guy who knows when he is right and when he is winning, which is all the time. Except when the refs are involved. Those goddam refs.

Kirk Ferentz As "Kevin"

Kirk is reserved, doesn't brag, and does his job well. Nothing earth-shattering is expected of him, or of anyone else in Iowa, come to think of it.

Surprise is Ferentz's greatest ally, and, like Kevin, he sometimes scores the best joke; on unsuspecting teams, or on himself.

Rank him too high, however, and he'll probably choke under pressure. Who knows? No one's ever bothered.

Mike Gundy As "Andy"

Anger problems? Oh, he's got anger problems.

Nick Saban As "Ryan"

Bright, cunning, brash, Saban well deserves to be the coach of one of the premier programs in the nation.

Perhaps of all of the premier programs, if they're interested.

Saban's the hired temp of the college football world, brought on to learn the ins and outs of a company in detail, just before being wooed away successfully by one of its largest rivals.

Saban's reputation as a journeyman hopefully has come to an end with the Tide, where he's being given the money and the free reign that he demands.

Maybe, but don't bet on it. The Tide will win the national championship this year, and Saban will get that temp itch that only a new contract can scratch.

Dan Hawkins As "Kelly"

Round-face-similarity aside, Hawkins clearly cares more about his personal appearance than about anything going on on the field.

Sandwiched between losses to in-state rival Colorado State and a blowout loss to Toledo was Hawkins' decision to don a new, Leave-It-To-Beavery quaff.

He is also very loyal to his family - so loyal that starting his son Cody over the taller, more physically gifted Tyler Hansen is something that's just accepted in Buffs culture.

One can almost hear his assistants say, "Coach, we probably need to adjust for West Virginia's speed at the wide receiver position," to which Hawkins responded, "Do you guys prefer hair spray or gel? I like hair spray. It smells better."

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