The Awards for Poor Performances for Week Five are:
The What Bernie Madoff Should Have Done Award
Mountaineer JT Thomas picked a Cody Hawkins pass late in the second quarter when the game was tight. He became a running back, unfortunately choosing Beanie Wells, the running back of fumbling fame from The Ohio State University and Arizona Cardinals, from whom to model his slashing style.
JT took the ball away and gave it back. First down, Colorado. And, no time left for you. Mr. Madoff.
The Winona Ryder Crime Doesn't Pay Award
Like the incredibly (and I'm serious) talented actress whose best role (arguably) since her 2001 arrest was as Spock's dying mom in the most recent "Star Trek" movie, the Buffaloes' defense possessed stolen articles four times in the first half.
Ms. Ryder, far from her halcyon years of the 90s, lost her game and went home, as did the 90s powerhouse, Colorado. Reality does indeed bite.
The Cat's Hairball Award
No one was around when Mountaineer wideout Bradley Starks caught a pass and coughed up the ball. That's a good thing. It would have been the fifth fumble West Virginia gave up in the game. So, he simply hopped on it.
That's better than our cat Mister Zeus. He hacks up a hairball and walks away, crawls onto the sofa, and continues his 22-hour-a-day nap.
The Andrew Lloyd Webber "Cats!" Musical Award
With apologies to Mr. Webber, sing in a whispered tone these butchered lyrics of "Macavity," my favorite song from the musical "Cats!"
Brandon Hogan, Brandon Hogan, there's no one like Brandon Hogan.
He's broken every cornerback law, he's seldom ready to go again.
His lack of levitation would make a coach swear.
And when the wideout has the ball, Brandon Hogan's not there!
The Consult Google Earth Award
To say Jarrett Brown was just a little off the mark against Colorado is like saying Teri Hatcher's running suit worn in her race with Conan O'Brien the other night was just little.
No one can accuse Jarrett of underthrowing anyone. The receivers are good, Mr. Brown, but we're not talking world class sprinters. I mean, back off a half a turn on that passing valve, Jarrett.
Of course, he did have a difficult time getting a pass underway. Colorado figured out Jarrett early, like during the Auburn game.
Dan Hawkins showed the world, including South Florida and Cincinnati, that the best way to stop Jarrett is to contain him in the pocket, a place in which he is least effective and obviously does not favor.
It's up to Jeff Mullen to countermove.
Good luck with that.
The Awards for Good Performances for Week Five are:
The Hit Like A Train Award
Two months ago I predicted the West Virginia offensive line would struggle against Liberty and East Carolina, then hit the stage at Auburn and not look back. Well, I'm right. For once.
There are some aspects of West Virginia football to worry about. The offensive line is not one of those.
Granted, against the Buffs they had trouble picking up blitzes. Hawkins sent six, and there are only five of them. I feel the coaches have a chance to figure out a way to get Jarrett gunslinging again. The o-line will have a lot to do with that.
Trust me on this one. It's important: an offensive lineman salivates for run blocking. That's when the pancakes are on the griddle, and, in that fourth quarter drive, were they ever. Run blocking; remember those two words. It's the future of 2009 West Virginia football.
The Pink Floyd Another Brick In the Wall Award
Mountaineer linebacker Reed Williams led a bend-but-do-not-break-too-much defense that slowed down the red-zone savvy Colorado offense, allowing but one meaningless very late score from the 20 and inside.
The Buffaloes were held to under 100 yards rushing and therefore forced to pass, and pass. Of Cody Hawkins' 54 attempts for 292 yards, three were intercepted.
There is room for improvement. West Virginia is soft on the corners and vulnerable to a good tight end. However, I find it difficult to argue with the defense's output. Their team won.
The Aretha Franklin R-E-S-P-E-C-T Award
You have to give punter Scott Kozlowski his propers. Four kicks for a boomingly consistent 48.5 yard average compares favorably to Pat McAfee's 2008 44.7 yard number.
You can see it in Scott's eyes: "Coach Rod who?"
And, now...for the weekly Blue Oyster Cult Oh, No! There Goes Tokyo! Godzilla! Award
When it absolutely, positively had to be done in the fourth quarter, Noel Devine drove the truck and Ryan Clarke, heir apparent to the legendary Owen Schmidt, carried the package to the porch.
As ESPN's Craig James was damning Noel to situation back status in the NFL, Mr. Devine toted the rock a durable 22 times for 220 yards. Often, Noel showed a professional patience as he waited for the holes to develop, then instantly accelerated through said hole.
I invite comments and thoughts on your awards.
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