The NFL's Worst Teams Week Three:The Sad Sack Seven
There are some really bad ball clubs in the NFL this year.
Teams not only drained of talent but also lacking any ability to excite their fan bases. The NFL is built for parity.
The Super Team theory of the Seventies and Eighties ended with the Dallas Cowboys of the early nineties.
The last great mercenary team to buy the title team was the 1994 San Francisco Forty Niners.
Now the NFL wants every fan base to have hope. It does not want a couple of New York Yankee like franchises and a whole lot of Pittsburgh Pirate like ones forever in the basement.
Still free agency, which weakens strong football foundations like good offensive line and quality quarterback play, combined with meddling ownership is a deadly venom to any teams hopes.
The quality of play becomes poorer. And in some corners of the NFL not just poor but downright ugly bad.
So bad that if they had a blackout for two years in the Detroit or Jacksonville markets fans might never come back.
Then what do you do? The perpetual blackout to build the fan base? Stare at the empty seat abyss until it stares back?
Or just go to Disney Land like the Jaguar owner, Wayne Weaver, wants to do?
Except the old shoe salesman might mean Disney West.
Wayne's World might become LA.
If the NFL wants to push the personal seat license strong arm scam down fans throats, if it expects them to buy nine buck beers, and ninety dollar made in China sweatshirts it needs to present a quality product.
And that just doesn't mean the NFL has to prevent the Cincinnati Bengal players from shooting fans in parking lot gun fights or keep Washington Redskin back up linebackers from tweeting that all fans are morons who work at McDonald's.
No teams must provide a spark of life, or at least offense, if they expect a family of four to drop almost thousand bucks to go to a game.
Can't coaches give us quarterbacks who can comprehend most basic parts of the game?
Its almost a crime to drop a dime to see the Tampa Bay Bucs.
Especially when the hopeless Bucs can't get a first down until late in the game. By then the kids are crying and the wife is saying its downright cruel to make the family watch this.
It gets old real quick watching a repeat of a football version of Custer's Last Stand week after week.
Especially when the last stand is over each week at half time, except in Oakland Raider land where the massacre seemingly has been going on for almost a decade.
While there's life, there's hope Cicero wrote but the old Roman never came to a Cleveland Brown game.
1] The State of Missouri [0-6]
Its going to get very cold very soon in Missouri and what fan wants to pack up the clan to see the St Louis Ram or Kansas City Chief circus?
Do you want to drive to see Dick Curl direct the Rams offense to an eight point a game output?
By the end of October playing behind the offensive line, QB Marc Bulger is going to look like Sonny Corleone at the toll booth in The Godfather.
In Kansas City the Chiefs have won six games since 2006.
The Rams have won five games since 2006.
Anything else going on in Missouri in fall?
2] Tampa Bay Buccaneers [0-3]
The Bucs are bad.
The Bucs are boring.
The Bucs coach, like most of his ilk today, is blah.
No losing coach likes to explode anymore or snap cynical witticism at the press.
The Bucs have been bad, boring, and blah for much of their history but in honor of Bucs teams past lets us have a Coach John McKay blast.
If your team is terrible you might as well have some fun with a quip.
Below, in honor of the bad Bucs, some of McKay's best.
On his team's execution "I'm in favor of it."
"It will be good to go on the road. I think the fans have seen enough of us.
"Jerry's a nice kid. But so's my wife. And she's no quarterback." - September 11, 1983 (Speaking of QB Jerrry Golsteyn
"We stunk. We blocked bad, we were terrible on defense and our kicking game made up for it by being absolutely horrible. I saw nothing that delighted me, we ran on the field fairly well." -
"Our offensive line was horrible. Therefore our strategy was the same. I was betting some of our 6-6, 250 pound linemen would block somebody. That's what they get paid to do." -
"We couldn't score against a strong wind."
"They were absolutely horrible and that's the best thing I can say. Besides that they were bad. These people are not poorly paid, you know."
"There were times I felt like leaving the stadium and hitchhiking home." December 5, 1976 (Following a 42-0 loss at Pittsburgh)
3] Cleveland Browns [0-3]
Eric Mangini must think the follow the Queen carnival game, follow the quarterback in Cleveland's case, will add an element of mystery to the flaccid Browns attack.
Or else he is just desperate. Its early in his tenure to be desperate isn't it?
It's not like he's game planning whether to use Steve Young or Joe Montana is he?
The Browns are so barren of talent that having Young or Montana wouldn't make much of a difference.
Can't Cleveland just waive the white flag and wait till next year?
4] Washington Redskins [1-2]
The Redskins have become the Raiders east but Danny Snyder has no rings. Before things fell apart at least Al Davis had a dominate team for decades.
The Skins field a losing circus.
Al Davis's old circus at least had stars.
The Skins have strange Tom Cruise creeping around the field grinning before the game.
The Skins 100 million dollar defender pulled his butt and was carted off.
What does old Baltimore Colt defensive tackle Art "Fatso" Donovan have to say about that?
A pulled ass? Fatso was on Okinawa in World War Two.
If Fatso was carted out of a Colt game with a pulled ass he might have been cut.
Cut by his dad the famous cranky boxing referee who told him when he joined the marines that his fat ass was going to get shot off.
For a 100 million bucks Fatso might have let him.
Still, through all the Skin storms, Coach Jim Zorn seems so calm. Even after the pathetic loss to the lame, losing Lions it looked like he was filming a new advertisement.
Zorn for Zoloft.
Even losing to the Lions won't bother you.
We are getting better.
5] Carolina Panthers [0-3]
John and Jake will go down together.
John and Jake will go out like Butch and Sundance battling the blitz in Bolivia.
Jake's arm is shot. John has no other options.
Jack and John are going leave Carolina like Thelma and Louise left the silver screen.
6] Oakland Raiders [1-3]
The Raiders season started screwy, a coach on coach MMA match and the franchise quarterback coming to camp looking like he was pregnant with manatee triplets, and it seems like its going to go down hill.
Fat quarterbacks aren't a problem as long as they can play.
And fighting between coaches isn't anything new.
During halftime of the 1985 Chicago Bear Miami Dolphin Monday Night football game, one of the most storied in NFL history, head coach Mike Ditka and defensive coordinator Buddy Ryan came to blows.
Instead of game planning for the Don Shula Dolphins the two grown men were flailing around the shower area shouting and swinging at one another over whether it was better to have linebacker Wilbur Marshall or a nickel back cover the Dolphins third wide receiver Nate Moore.
Most Bears players watched in amusement and amazement.
No adjustments were made.
But then those Bears, unlike these Raiders, were good.
Their coaches could fight and they would still win.
7] Houston current and former football[Texans, Titans/Oilers, 1-5]
Gary Kubiak is off to his usual sizzling September start.
His Texans run like a race horse that starts each race last in the field and ends each race just out of the money.
Each and every race, each and every year.
The Texans will play tough when the pressures off and the playoffs are out of reach.
As for Tennessee they might be the best 0-3 team in football.
Not that that matters for much.
Five Teams almost as bad
Jacksonville Jaguars [1-3]-Will Jack Del Rio be around to go to Disney land?
Seattle Seahawks [1-3]- Not much talent
Miami Dolphins [0-3]- Chad Henne might help, might not.
Buffalo Bills [1-2]- At Ralph Wilson's age rebuilding is hard to do.
Detroit Lions [1-2]- Somewhere the 1976-77 Tampa Buccaneers, their 26 game losing streak secure with the Lion's win, pop open some warm Pabst Blue Ribbons and celebrate.
The Law of Unintended Consequences
Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress' new beard makes him bear an uncanny resemblance to doomed miner Whitney Ellsworth on HBO's Deadwood.
The season ended rough for Ellsworth let's hope Childress makes out better.
But Childress and his old gunslinger Favre might just end up like Ellsworth and Wild Bill Hickok.
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