Because He Is John Cena

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Because He Is John Cena
(Photo by Kristian Dowling/Getty Images)

 

Hello wrestling community…. I’m back with another article.

 

Yesterday’s Monday Night Raw could’ve been a lot better than it was. The first problem was the guest host. The only guest host that has been worse than Al Sharpton, was ZZ Top (who is hard to beat). Sharpton hardly came out, and you only actually saw him once. Next time you have a guest host, make them more interesting. Then again, they’ve pretty much covered that, by having Big Ben on next week. However that is not the point of this article.

 

The reason that I’m writing today, is because of John Cena.

 

After last week, when Randy Orton hit the RKO on Mark Henry, John Cena was to face Jeri-Show, and Randy Orton in a 3 on 1 gauntlet match. Immediately, for pretty much any wrestler, you would automatically assume that they don’t have a chance. Then you remember that it’s John Cena on the “1” side. Even though that odds are against him, and his opponents are the first ever WWE Undisputed Champion, Chris Jericho, the world’s largest athlete, Big Show, and the former 3 month holder of the WWE Championship, Randy Orton. Then, you remind yourself, “He’s John Cena, and he can do anything”.

 

So, let’s review. After John Cena, and Chris Jericho were introduced by the very talented Justin Roberts, the match begun. This match was a very low quality match. The WWE sped it up, to make room for air-time, so it felt very rushed. After Cena tried for the FU, Jericho fought out of it and countered with the Walls. Cena managed to crawl over to the rope, and grab on, but Jericho wouldn’t let go.

 

After the Official reached the 5-count, he rang the bell, and Jericho got DQ’ed, but he still wouldn’t Brake the Walls. After about a minute and a half of this, Big Show had come out, and the bell had rang again, so it was Show vs. a injured Cena.

 

Basically throughout this match, as expected, Big Show dominated the match, and had Cena against the ropes for a good minute before putting him into a bear hug, targeting the lower back, just like Jericho had previously. Then, Show let out a scream, and went for the Chokeslam. However, Superman countered it into a DDT. The two men, then laid on the ground for about 30 seconds.

 

When the men had gotten up, Cena lifted the 500 pound, Big Show up over his head, and followed to set him up for the FU, like nothing had just happened, and that he hadn’t just been in the devastating Walls of Jericho, for 2 minutes. This is the creative team’s first fault of many. While our favorite superhero had Show in the air, Jericho. Who had been ringside for the whole match, interfered and then 500 pounds came crashing down on Cena’s head. Cena got another win by DQ.

 

However, Show wasn’t done yet. Then, just like Jericho had done previously, put Cena, in his equally punishing submission hold, the Colossal Clutch, and held it. Then the Voices came out, and as Michael Cole had said, the Viper becomes the Vulture, to pray on the injured Cena.

 

While Orton made his way to the ring, Cena was lying in the centre of the ring, basically broken in half. However, when Orton had made it to the ring, Cena had magically stood up. After the stare down had started, Cena pointed upwards, to for everyone to see that the Cell, that was above the ring, apparently for promotional purposes, was lowering. After the cage had lowered, with Orton in the ring from Cena somehow detaining him, they had a stare off. Cena inside the ring, Orton out, but still in the cage.

 

However, the cage door was open, on the other side. Orton made a mad dash, and got out, and then started climbing the cage! Wow! Was the WWE creative team about to make a turn for the better? No. Cena had followed Orton, and actually managed to climb the cage. I’m going to skip the rest, and just say the Cena FU’ed Orton, on the roof.

 

Many, many things were wrong with this gauntlet match. Starting with, why wasn’t somebody thrown off the top of the cage? Oh, that’s easy. Because, it’s “too violent” for the PG era of the WWE. Onto my next question. How in the hell, does Cena get up from all of the damage that he had taken, and lift a 500-pound man off of his feet, and over his head, climb a 5-ton steel cage, and FU Orton???

 

It’s simple, BECAUSE HE IS JOHN CENA.

 

Whenever the WWE creative team wakes up from their dream. Let me know.

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