The Diary of WWE's Batista, Humor v. Humor Round 1

"Walk Alone" by Saliva blasts from my alarm clock, signaling the start of a new day.

After rolling out of bed, my first stop is to the bathroom to take care of a little business.

My favorite lady is made out of porcelain and she always accepts what I give her. Plus, how did you think I learned how to strike this wonderful pose and make that face during my intros?

After cleaning up, I head downstairs. Due to my laundry list of injuries, I have taken the necessary steps, or lack thereof, to "Batista-proof" my home.

My steps have been taken out and replaced with a plastic slide. Plastic because the metal might give me a burn that would result in me being out of action for a few weeks.

In the kitchen, all my utensils are of the plastic variety as well. There are no outlets near the sink.

All table edges have edge cushions so they don't jab me in the leg when I walk by.

*Ed. Note: To Andrea Claire, the edge cushions are not cushions with the likeness of the Rated-R Superstar.

After a hearty breakfast (injury-free), I sit back and speak with my travel agent. I am getting up there in age and keep thinking of what I will do after I hang it up.

One more hangnail might put me on the shelf permanently. Better to have a plan of action when I grant the wishes of many fans and hang it up.

Being on the road so much I miss out on doing one of my favorite things in the world, outside of ballet.

I love hitting up the mall to do a little shopping. So, into one of my many classic muscle cars I go and off to the mall. I need some new tight jeans and Abercrombie is calling me.

Shopping, lunch, and time at the gym is out of the way. It's now time for my favorite part of the day.

Up on a wall in my entertainment room is a collage of Divas. I take the dart currently stuck in Kelly Kelly's picture and walk back to my recliner.

Which Diva do I try to date now? I toss the projectile and let fate decide the rest...

At the venue for tonight's show. In the locker room I go over my long list of wrestling moves. Just need to make sure that I can remember to get in my entire arsenal.

Clothesline, check.
Shoulder charges, check.
Spear, check.
Spine buster, check.
Batista Bomb, check.

Good, I got them all. Let's go to work.

Tonight's programming was brought to you by WebMD, your source for all ailments that beset Batista.

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