Bleacher Report Is The Answer That Helps You Survive In This World!

Svyato RovenchukSenior Writer ISeptember 28, 2009

The answer Bleacher Report is a great excuse in real life. It can help you out in a lot of situations. Let's name a few.

Honey, why didn't you take out the trash?

I was on Bleacher Report.

Why did you miss our date last night?

I was writing for Bleacher Report.

Are you avoiding me?

No, I'm just busy with Bleacher Report.

Hey where's my money? You know that you were suppose to return it today or I pop yo ass!

Oh, I'm sorry, I was writing for Bleacher Report. I would promise you the money for tomorrow, but I'm writing then too. A man has to earn cash (it's not actually paid, but he doesn't know that).

Mr. Anderson, you haven't completed any of the last 13 assignments, why?

Oh you see I wrote them as drafts on Bleacher Report, but every time for some reason Zander decided to delete.

Teacher Responds: But the last two were art assignments. Explain that. 

Oh well you see I asked Zander about developing a drawing function for Bleacher Report, but he said he doesn't have time. Plus all the paper in my house was used for printing my Bleacher Report articles so I ran out. Plus the stores were closed.

Why don't you go to church anymore?

Oh you see, Sunday is my "write for Bleacher Report" day. I'm way too busy during the week to do it and Saturday is my "sleep till Sunday" day. Plus, in my dream on Saturday God told me that he doesn't mind missing just one fan. He already has around 4 billion.

Is that gum?

Yes, but you see I'm testing it for Bleacher Report. They wanted to make this the official chewing gum of Bleacher Report writers, but they wanted me to test it to see if it tastes good. So far, not bad.

Time for your medicine.

Hold on there. On Bleacher Report there is this guy called Dr. Craig and he has found a new cure for my disease. I'm suppose to write on Bleacher Report twice a week for me to stay healthy. Plus if I don't, he said he will come to the retirement home and make me do it.

Do you wanna hear a story, Billy?

I would, but I have to go write for Bleacher Report. Maybe next time, grandpa.

So why can't you wear this dress, Suzie?

Well it's very pretty (not), but I already have another dress. You see Zander is making me a dress and mailing it to me in a package. Plus he said that if I'd wear it I would move up three spots in the rankings. Pretty cool, huh?

Dave you are getting an F in writing, I suggest you start practicing writing more. Wouldn't you agree?

No, I wouldn't. You see all these Shakespeare assignments you give us are lame. You wanna see true writing, go to a website called and check out the writing there. Now that is true poetry. You can find some of mine on my profile.

Why won't you marry Cleveland?

Because mom, I'm dating Zander Freund. It's really helped me further my sports writing career! I have 23 Article Of The Days and I only wrote four articles!

How could you forget our anniversary?

Well you see I was gonna write you an article on Bleacher Report about it, but then it went down for maintenance.

Now Andrew, what do you say to Mr. Roberts about the chalk in his coffee cup?

I'm sorry, but the Wrestling CL dared me to do it and he said if I did it I would get the Syndicated Tag.

Why don't you ever come out of the basement?

Because my computer is in there and on the computer is a wonderful place called Bleacher Report.

Mom to son: Is that the same wonderful place that said any soccer mom is fucked up?


Why do you never leave your house?

Bleacher Report.