Duke Basketball Recruiting Questionnaire

In an effort to rebuild and reload programs, most college basketball coaches begin courting a potential recruit with a very generic form letter. 

Duke University has gone the extra step of designing "The Duke Basketball Recruiting Questionnaire."

The "Who Am I, Anyway?" Section

In ten years I see myself:

A) As an extra in a State Farm commercial. (+1)

B) Providing listless and pedantic analysis for CBS and Sports Illustrated. (+2)

C) Working as the "assistant coach in charge of making broad generalizations at halftime because our head coach is too important to do so." (+5)

D) As a perennial NBA All-Star. (-5)

E) Out of basketball completely. (+10)

If I could be any animal I would be:

A) A lion, because I'm fearless and aggressive. (+0)

B) A sheep, because I like to take orders and need the security of friends. (+1)

C) A caterpillar, because with Coach K's tutelage I will transform into a beautiful butterfly! (+2)

D) A jurkophus, because I'm "thumbody" and it's such a creative and flatterring name. (+5)

E) A brick. I am what I shoot in the tournament. (+10)

My interior game is:

A) Not as important as my ability to score from distance. (+1)

B) Flaccid. (+5)

C) Completely nonexistent. Interior games are for guys that are like, 6'9" or taller—I'm only 6'8". (+10)

 D) Hey wait! Does that include rebounding? (+2)

E) So dominant I'll leave Hansbrough crying to his daddy. (-15)

The True or False Section

I have more important things to do in late March than play in the friggin' NCAA Tournament!

A) True. Who needs the Sweet 16 and all that pressure? (+5)

B) False. So You Think You Can Dance doesn't start until May. (+2)

Pounding the floor will improve my odds of getting a stop by increasing my lateral quickness as well as my ability to get into the passing lanes.

A) True. It's like a shot of espresso in the latte of my game. (+2)

B) False. I need a "clever" band of idiots jumping up and down on some ugly, dated bleachers to pump me up. (+5)

The "Duke Tradition Is Important" Section

 **This section will not be scored—we just want to know if you appreciate how great we were.**

Christian Laettner:

A) Was one of the greatest players in Duke University history.

B) Hit a shot against Kentucky that is shown a sickening number of times each and every year during the CBS broadcast of the NCAA Tournament.

C) Never really was quite...um, how do we put this...successful in the NBA.

D) Speaks with a lisp and may have worn lipstick during his postgame press conferences...not that there's anything wrong with that.

Coach K:

A) Will be difficult to root against this summer at the Olympics as the head coach of the USA Basketball team.

B) Is otherwise difficult to root for.

C) May suffer from Tourette Syndrome. During the game, twitches while he curses at officials uncontrollably. Medication appears to be working for him as he seems able to control the outbursts when dealing with the media before and after the game.

D) Is a great coach, but mustn't be as good as Cameron, who has the whole gym named after him; meanwhile, Coach K has only the court within said gym bearing his nickname.

Speedo Guy:

A) Was, unfortunately, featured, not once, but twice before the final regular season matchup between Duke and North Carolina.

B) Has had two other iterations since the original guy first assaulted our sensibilities.

C) Made obscene gestures during a most recent appearance in Durham.

D) Might want to look into natural male enhancement.

Bonus Section

We cannot find the following former players, for they seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. Please locate:

Josh McRoberts

Trajan Langdon

Daniel Ewing

Shavlik Randolph

Richard Simmons—not a former player but a "friend of the program."

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