In an effort to rebuild and reload programs, most college basketball coaches begin courting a potential recruit with a very generic form letter.
Duke University has gone the extra step of designing "The Duke Basketball Recruiting Questionnaire."
The "Who Am I, Anyway?" Section
In ten years I see myself:
A) As an extra in a State Farm commercial. (+1)
B) Providing listless and pedantic analysis for CBS and Sports Illustrated. (+2)
C) Working as the "assistant coach in charge of making broad generalizations at halftime because our head coach is too important to do so." (+5)
D) As a perennial NBA All-Star. (-5)
E) Out of basketball completely. (+10)
If I could be any animal I would be:
A) A lion, because I'm fearless and aggressive. (+0)
B) A sheep, because I like to take orders and need the security of friends. (+1)
C) A caterpillar, because with Coach K's tutelage I will transform into a beautiful butterfly! (+2)
D) A jurkophus, because I'm "thumbody" and it's such a creative and flatterring name. (+5)
E) A brick. I am what I shoot in the tournament. (+10)
My interior game is:
A) Not as important as my ability to score from distance. (+1)
B) Flaccid. (+5)
C) Completely nonexistent. Interior games are for guys that are like, 6'9" or taller—I'm only 6'8". (+10)
D) Hey wait! Does that include rebounding? (+2)
E) So dominant I'll leave Hansbrough crying to his daddy. (-15)
The True or False Section
I have more important things to do in late March than play in the friggin' NCAA Tournament!
A) True. Who needs the Sweet 16 and all that pressure? (+5)
B) False. So You Think You Can Dance doesn't start until May. (+2)
Pounding the floor will improve my odds of getting a stop by increasing my lateral quickness as well as my ability to get into the passing lanes.
A) True. It's like a shot of espresso in the latte of my game. (+2)
B) False. I need a "clever" band of idiots jumping up and down on some ugly, dated bleachers to pump me up. (+5)
The "Duke Tradition Is Important" Section
**This section will not be scored—we just want to know if you appreciate how great we were.**
Christian Laettner:
A) Was one of the greatest players in Duke University history.
B) Hit a shot against Kentucky that is shown a sickening number of times each and every year during the CBS broadcast of the NCAA Tournament.
C) Never really was quite...um, how do we put this...successful in the NBA.
D) Speaks with a lisp and may have worn lipstick during his postgame press conferences...not that there's anything wrong with that.
Coach K:
A) Will be difficult to root against this summer at the Olympics as the head coach of the USA Basketball team.
B) Is otherwise difficult to root for.
C) May suffer from Tourette Syndrome. During the game, twitches while he curses at officials uncontrollably. Medication appears to be working for him as he seems able to control the outbursts when dealing with the media before and after the game.
D) Is a great coach, but mustn't be as good as Cameron, who has the whole gym named after him; meanwhile, Coach K has only the court within said gym bearing his nickname.
Speedo Guy:
A) Was, unfortunately, featured, not once, but twice before the final regular season matchup between Duke and North Carolina.
B) Has had two other iterations since the original guy first assaulted our sensibilities.
C) Made obscene gestures during a most recent appearance in Durham.
D) Might want to look into natural male enhancement.
Bonus Section
We cannot find the following former players, for they seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. Please locate:
Josh McRoberts
Trajan Langdon
Daniel Ewing
Shavlik Randolph
Richard Simmons—not a former player but a "friend of the program."
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4 months ago
Hilarious stuff as usual, keep up the fantastic work
from 4 months ago
Thanks, Max. Your profle pic is one of the Top 5 best on the whole friggin' site!
4 months ago
very well written this was very funny
4 months ago
Please don't pick on Coach Kanibuyavowel anymore. You are liable to hurt someone's feelings.
from 4 months ago
He even receipts for his AmEx charges Coach K cause he just can't take it anymore!
4 months ago
Hilarious as always, Greg! I think the Laettner section should be expanded...and graded.
from 4 months ago
Yeah, we used to heckle Laettner even when he was with the Pistons! I just couldn't help myself...
4 months ago
Greg, forget what that bonehead Dre says, you are HILARIOUS! Keep up the good work, you keep me laughing for hours!
4 months ago
Hilarious stuff.
4 months ago
Great Article. Hillarious!!
4 months ago
hahaha another excellent article Greg
4 months ago
Another hysterical article, Greg. I'm a Duke fan and I still had to laugh. Especially about Randolph and McRoberts. What huge jokes they were. I think they did Duke a favor by leaving early so we didn't have to see Randolph stink up the joint or McRoberts cry about getting schooled by Hansbrough, anymore (which is ironic because none of the three will have productive NBA careers). Keep 'em coming!
from 4 months ago
I'm a big-time Carolina fan, so take the tomfoolery for what it is. Duke and Coach K still terrify me.
4 months ago
Greg - brilliant job here.
from 4 months ago
Thanks, Ben. It may not be the best idea--but Duke's been so good over the past 10-15 years, I had to take a shot.
What's sad is that I'm taking a shot and they still went 28-6. Some kind of down year...
3 months ago
Wow your hilarious. Wait isn't hansborough almost 25 years old going into his senior year in college. He should be amazing cause he is so older than everyone else. Duke will still be just as good or better than Carolina this upcoming year. Watch out for Duke's 2010 class, already starting off with andre dawkins. Also I live in Charlotte and go to a lot of Bobcats games and I forgot how is Sean May and Raymond Felton doing in the pros? Yeah, ONE OF THE WORST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE!
from 3 months ago
Oh, May is atrocious. And Felton's pretty average, at best.
Hansbrough will turn 32 this year.
It's just a Carolina fan busting the Dukies chops. Chill out, man, we had to hear it from you guys during that little 8-20 season a few years back.
from 3 months ago
By the way Joe-Joe, isn't Paulus, like, eligible for Social Security soon?
And Duke won't be better than North Carolina this year. Carolina's got everybody coming back and will add three solid recruits.
Thanks for reading.
3 months ago
Carolina will be good this year and the have all the recruits besides the Plumlee brothers who actually grew up as Tar Heel fans. Carolina missed out on them alright and Kenny Noynton beats Strickland or Henson anyday but my bad on hansborough. And Greg- Greg Duke will beat UNC this year AT LEAST ONE GAME. thanks for reading. Joe- Joe
3 months ago
Greg-Greg here. The Blue Devils will have to get it done at Chapel Hill. I'm pretty sure Carolina's seniors haven't lost in Durham yet.
Thanks for the comments, Joe. One thing's for sure--I don't think either one of us will be talking a whole lotta smack during football season. Take care, man.
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