Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls...at whatever age the youngest person is here. Welcome back to my Manual. It's been awhile since I've written something, so hopefully this won't be too bad.
Our other writers are:
and my partner in crime since day one, Anonymous Guy.
So without further ado, let's get the show started!
(Fireworks go off as King and Cole introduce us)
King: Hello everybody, welcome to MONDAY NIGHT RAW! Tonight's gonna be a great show.
Cole: That's right King, especially considering the main event. Tonight John Cena goes extreme to get ready for his Hell in a Cell match against Randy Orton. He will be taking on none other than the All-American American, Jack Swagger!
King: Also tonight, Kofi Kingston defends his US title against Evan Bourne! That should be one exciting match. High flying all around, right Cole?
Cole: Exactly, but I don't think that's the match you're actually excited about King.
King: What do you mean?
Cole: You're about to see.
First Match: Hornswoggle vs Chavo Guerrero FOR THE LAST TIME!!!!
King: Oh, yeah, I've been looking forward to Chavo getting his butt kicked again!
Hornswoggle comes down dancing as always, laughing and jumping like a child. He's ready for the match...but was not ready for a cheap shot by Chavo.
Chavo grabs him from under the ring and you can hear the Tadpole screaming in pain. Chavo comes back out with a bloody Hornswoggle, and puts him into the ring.
Chavo hits the Three Amigos. He looks at the crowd, and flicks them off. Then he goes up top to hit the Frog Splash...and does so with no interuption. 1..2..WAIT!!
King: Did Hornswoggle kick out?
Cole: I think Chavo just stopped the pin.
King: That's outrageous!
Chavo picks the little man up for the Gory Bomb, and hits it! He then picks him back up, and puts him in the Gory Bomb again! 1..2..3. Chavo wins easily.
King: I guess Chavo was just tired of geting picked on...
Chavo is celebrating when all of the sudden Santino Marella comes down to the ring with a bat. He chases Chavo out of the ring.
Cole: Well, I guess it's good someone came to help out the little guy. Too bad it wasn't in time for the match.
(We go backstage with Todd Grisham)
Todd: Hello everyone. I am here with...
???: Shut up!
???: That's right! You don't deserve to say a word! Kofi! I'm tired of this! I'm tired of the wrong man holding my title! I'm making sure you walk out without a title tonight. Because I'm Awesome!
King: We're back, and ready for the next tag team match.
Second Match: Jillian Hall and Beth Phoenix vs. Gail Kim and Mickie James.
Jillian and Beth come down together, with Jillian's beautiful voice. They are followed by Gail and Mickie.
The match begins with Jillian taking on Gail Kim. Gail starts with a dropkick, followed up by a headlock on the ground. Jillian starts to sing, and Gail has to let go or else her ears will blow up.
Jillian Gets on the offensive with a Thesz Press followed by some hair pulling. Then she applies a single leg boston crab. Gail is in trouble. But she lifts her free leg up and kicks Jillian in the head.
She tags in Mickie, who trips in the ropes and hits her head. Jillian pulls her into the middle of the ring, and gets to the top rope. She jumps off and hits a diving fist.
King: She took my move! Although I must say she looked great doing it..
She tags in Beth who gets in and puts Mickie in a camel clutch. She puts torque into this one, twisting Mickie's head while pulling her back. Mickie almost taps out, but Gail jumps in with a diving side kick off the ropes.
Jillian gets in, but Gail spears her out of the ring. Mickie sets up Jillian for her finisher, but Beth gets out and puts her in the Chicken wing. Mickie reverses into the victory roll. 1..2..3!
Mickie and Gail walk out of the ring holding their arms high.
Cole: Wow, a short match, but great action.
King: Yeah, but not as much as the next match will be.
Cole: That's right. Next is the match between the Jamaican Buzzsaw and Evan "Air" Bourne.
We come back to Triple H and Shawn Michaels in their locker room.
HHH: Shawn, do you know what I miss about the Attitude Era the most?
Shawn: What's that Hunter?
HHH: The profanity, the intense fighting, the divas in lingerie.
Shawn: I'm sure you have a point, my mountain-nosed amigo.
HHH: That I do Shawny, that I do. People out there in TV Land, we're bringing attitude back to Raw. One way or another, we're going to make this interesting.
Shawn: And to start that, I've got just the plan!
HHH: Go to Legacy's locker room if you don't mind camera man. We've got a little surprise for them.
(The cameraman runs down to Legacy's locker room, but all he hears is screams.)
Ted: What the Hell! What...OH MY GOD!! Cody, Run!
Cody: I can't! He's in the way!
The door opens, and Big D. Johnson is in the lockerroom dancing in front of Legacy, with green paint!
Cody: Oh my... somebody please get him the Hell outa here!
(The camera finally cuts back to the ring.)
Third Match: Kofi Kingston vs. Evan Bourne for US Title
Evan comes in first with the crowd screaming, but not as much as they do for the champ. Kofi comes down the ramp with everyone on his side. He's carrying his title on his shoulder and just looks like the ideal champion.
The match starts after they shake hands, and Evan jumps first with a forearm. He follows that with an arm drag and dropkick to the back.
He pulls Kofi's arms back with the surfboard stretch. Kofi rises up and flips over Evan's back, followed by a reverse DDT.
Kofi picks up Evan, who kicks Kofi in the gut. He then runs to the ropes, jumps onto Kofi with a springboard cross body, but Kofi catches him with a neckbreaker in mid air! The crowd is changing "That was awesome."
King: Good God! Kofi almost broke Evan's neck!
Kofi goes for the Boom Boom leg drop, but Evan rolls out the way. He rolls behind Kofi's back and catches him with a reverse hurricanrana. Then he puts him in the corner, goes to the other side of the ring, and jumps from mid ring to hit a flying double knee to Kofi's head. Kofi falls over.1..2..Kofi grabs the ropes.
Evan gets set for the Air-Bourne, but Kofi enziguries him and he falls into the corner. Kofi pounces on Evan's head and hits ten punches.
He sets up for the Trouble in Paradise, but Evan dodges, and hits a Jumping DDT. 1..2..NOT good enough. Kofi kicks out. He gets up, and Evan is up top. He jumps off for a clothestline and...TROUBLE IN PARADISE connects!! 1..2..Kofi stops.
He sees someone on the ramp. Miz walks down holding the US Title? Kofi tells Miz to bring the title back, and he does. Miz distracts the referree.
While the ref's back is turned, Jack Swagger runs in and hits the Swagger Bomb! They both run and Evan goes for the cover...but stops?
He tells the ref about Swagger and the match is over. Kofi retains after a grueling match and a cheap shot. Bourne grabs the mic.
Bourne: Damn it, this is ridiculous! Miz, Swagger, you two had your chances! But you know what? I'm fine with taking you two on. Next week, we'll have a triple threat match. Whoever wins takes on Kofi!
King: It's great to see some athletes have pride and respect enough to do what Evan did. I mean I would've taken the win but...you know.
Cole: I'm sure you would have, King.
Main Event: John Cena vs Jack Swagger (Hardcore Match)
Swagger comes back down. He's being booed, but he doesn't care. In fact he spits in a little girl's face, which causes the father to punch him in his throat. (Funniest thing I've ever wanted to see)
John Cena comes down with his old Chain-Gang Chain and title. He gets into the ring. Swagger tries for a cheap spear, but Cena dodges and hits him with his chain right across the back of the head.
Swagger isn't even moving, and Cena calls someone down from the back. It's Kofi and Evan! Kofi comes down and hits the TIP, and Evan lands the Air-Bourne.
When they leave, Cena grabs tables. He sets two tables up beside each other, and grabs Swagger, but Randy Orton sneaks up from behind with a Low Blow. He calls Legacy down, but instead D-X comes on screen.
Shawn: Sorry Orton, the boys are a little... tied up.
HHH: Yeah...sorry. But you can see them for yourself. Here they are.
Legacy is tied up in the trunk of a limousine. HHH gets in with Shawn as the limo drives away. Orton is shocked, but goes back after Cena. Bad idea, because he back body tosses Orton onto the tables!
Cena is holding his hands up in the air...until Swagger gets up. Cena turns around to find Swagger, but he's already up. He grabs Cena and hits the Swagger-bomb on the chain. 1..2..3!
Cole: Well, that match was gonna be tainted no matter who won.
King: True, Swagger was triple teamed, but Cena paid for it. Hey...he isn't moving.
Cena isn't even breathing. The crew is called to come check on Cena. Cena is taken by an ambulance. But wait! The driver is...is...
This has been a Bushboy Inc. Production in associations with Andrew Lock Challenges (RIP A-Thomas)