Five Steps To Survive Watching a Lions Game

(Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

I've been watching Lions games for about 19 years now, and I have witnessed many painful sights. From Barry Sanders breaking defenders' ankles to Paul Edinger kicking the game-winning field goal that destroyed any hopes of a playoff berth in 1999 and made me cry like a baby.

Over the years, you eventually develop a system to deal with the worst franchise in sports—or at least, I have.

So, to all the diehard Lions fans in Detroit and elsewhere, let me give you some sound advice to limit your outrage toward the team's possible inept performance on any Sunday afternoon.

1. Don't pay much attention to any talking heads who believe that the Lions have a chance to upset a superior opponent.

2. Before the game begins, expect the worst from the Lions. If the Lions have a 10-point lead and are actually playing well, don’t be optimistic—be cynical. Think to yourself "They're going to blow this lead."

3. You can still root for the Lions. You can yell and exclaim all the obscenities you want, but don't get off your lazy-boy and act out a first down signal or throw a pillow at your television set when something goes wrong. Stay centered, grasshopper.

When something does go wrong, and you know it's inevitable; it won't surprise you in the least.

4. If the Lions are getting blown out by 20 points or more, change the channel and try to find another game to watch. Periodically, check in on the game just in case something crazy happens, like a comeback.

5. If a miracle happens, and they do end up winning the game, it will be so much sweeter. If the Lions end up losing, find a 4:00 game and enjoy. You'll forget all about the loss until the highlights are shown on NFL Network.

If you follow my five steps, you'll limit the possibility of heart attack or high blood pressure. I don't know if that’s true, but it sounds logical, right?

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