Ranking The Athletes On Dancing With The Stars

Heading into its ninth season, the ABC blockbuster show Dancing With The Stars (hosted by Tom Bergeron, who also hosts my favorite show of all time) has featured more than its share of athletes competing for the championship, er, trophy, uh, what do they compete for again?

Some of them have even won. And some of them have really badly FAIL'd.

All of these athletes deserve a good hearty ranking for the stuff they've shown.

Let's get to it.

#20: Kenny Mayne

Some of you might say Kenny Mayne is not an athlete. I agree with you. I'm putting Kenny Mayne here to finally say how much I loathe his appearances on ESPN.

Do any of us really like him? I think they think we do.

Anyway, here he is dancing dryly and robotically, which apparently is how he does everything in life.

Get Progressive.

#19: Clyde Drexler

Clyde Drexler's dancing was deemed too horrific to embed in this slide.

Instead, let's watch him at a simpler time:

#18: Chuck Liddell

One time I cut my own hair with a beard trimmer without using a mirror. It ended up looking like Chuck Liddell's hair.

And it got about as warm of a reaction as Liddell's dancing did on DWTS.

#17: Floyd Mayweather

Here's Floyd Mayweather floatin' like a butterfly, stingin' like a bee, ravin' like a lunatic.

Here's a poem about Floyd Mayweather: May Floyd Mayweather Weather May?

That's the kind of stuff that comes out when you watch clips of Floyd Mayweather.

Floyd Mayweather on Dancing with the Stars
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#16: Jason Taylor

Jason Taylor's dancing was actually good, according to the DWTS judges. But the idea that he was blowing off potential practice time and could still be sackin' fools offends me as a man.

DOES AMERICA HAVE ITS PRIORITIES STRAIGHT, AMERICA?

#15: Evander Holyfield

Holyfield is considered one of the worst dancers in the show's history, and the poorest representative among athletes.

To me he looks like a regular guy dancing. Which is probably why he lost.

#14: Kristi Yamaguchi

I rank Kristi in the middle of the pack not because of her dancing, but because of the girl in elementary school who always talked about Kristi Yamaguchi and had a Kristi Yamaguchi Trapper Keeper, and would always tell everyone how when she grew up she was going to be like Kristi Yamaguchi.

I think she does meth now.

Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas win 'Dancing with the Stars
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#13: Maurice Greene

Maurice Greene's tenure on DWTS was marred by allegations that he used two-step-enhancing drugs.

He is not to be confused with Mo Green, who got what he deserved for siding with Barzini.

#12: Josh Kronfeld

Josh Kronfeld is a rugby player actually competing on the New Zealand version of Dancing With The Stars.

The only difference in the two shows is that a lot of hipsters think the New Zealand version is cooler than the American one and want to move to where they film it in New Zealand for a couple of years just to say they did.

#11: Monica Seles

Monica Seles didn't last very long on season six of DTWS. Which was probably a good thing since the better she did, the more the ranks of Kristi Yamaguchi's Bone-Knife Wielding Fan Club reportedly grew.

#10: Michael Irvin

Michael Irvin said that preparing to dance in front of a television audience was "a million times worse" than suiting up as a player.

Irvin has allegedly asked to be traded to the lesser-watched "So You Think You Can Dance!"

#9: Helio Castroneves

Kind of the Roberto Benigni at the Oscars when he walked on all those chairs and blabbered extensively of the DWTS scene, isn't he?

Good dancer, though, boy.

#8: Laila Ali

Dancing: fine.

Athleticism: Terrific.

Idea that her ovaries would probably destroy my wimpy spermatazoa: upsetting.

Laila Ali Dancing With The Stars Semi @ Yahoo! Video

#7: Jerry RIce

Twinkle-toed Jerry Rice looks like he wouldn't mind spinning Anna "Tremendous Buns" Trebunskaya's meat in this clip.

Bet the only thing Rice caught when he got home that night was hell from his old lady.

#6: Shawn Johnson

Fact: Shawn Johnson is one salty dancer!

As in, she is smaller than most salt dispensers.

She is, in fact, shorter than her name.

She's short, people.

#5: Apolo Anton Ohno

Look at Juliane Hough in this video.

I mean, really look at her.

Unreal.

Hey, who the devil is Apolo Anton Ohno?

#4: Stacy Kiebler

By the thinnest of pretexts, Stacy Kiebler qualifies as an athlete. She escorted WCW wrestlers to the ring when that, you know, still existed.

She could still kick Kenny Mayne's ass.

She hot.

#3: Emmitt Smith

Beating Mario Lopez, represent!

If only that were literal.

#2: Natalie Coughlin

Natalie Coughlin joked that she had "butterflies" in her stomach when she danced this sexy salsa.

Her partner Alec Mazo then replied that he wanted to "stroke" himself while in a "shimmering pool" of "Coughlin-suds".

Something must have gotten lost in translation there.

#1: Warren Sapp

Very truly I tell you, that yea, Warren Sapp introduced the A-gap five-technique swim move, on two on two, to Dancing With The Stars, and lo, it was found to be Good.