In the classic 1989 movie Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, two young men from Southern California embark on the time-traveling journey of their lives.
In the spring of 2009, another young man left SoCal and went on an excellent adventure of his own—stepping onto the Michigan campus and immediately acquiring the title of "Big Man," taking control of college football's winningest program
It's no surprise that Michigan fans want to know what's next for the wunderkind.
So, as a favor, I pulled a few strings, made a few calls, performed a few unspeakable acts, and managed to get a hold of the phone booth from Excellent Adventure.
I had originally tried to grab the DeLorean from Back to the Future, but then I remembered that everyone who drives a DeLorean is a prick.
So I hopped in the phone booth and took a time warp through the future career of Tate Forcier. Thankfully for you, I took notes.
Sept. 12, 2009 (Eastern Michigan)
Tate passes for two touchdowns and runs for two more as the Michigan Wolverines defeat the Eagles, 42-0. Ron English is heard commenting after the game, "What the hell did I do?"
Oct. 3, 2009 (at Michigan State)
Forcier passes for three touchdowns and runs for one. Michigan State stays in the game early, but the Wolverine defense gets some help as Tate steps in as nose tackle, finishing the game with 15 tackles and a fumble recovery.
Forcier leaves early in the third quarter, singlehandedly destroying East Lansing, saving Spartan fans the trouble.
Oct. 24, 2009 (Penn State)
Forcier passes for five touchdowns and kicks three field goals, beating the ranked Nittany Lions, 53-2. Penn State managed a safety when Forcier had compassion on them late in the fourth quarter and punted a ball out of the back of his own end zone.
After the game, Tate layed his hands on Joe Paterno, who immediately started aging backward like that crappy Brad Pitt movie.
Nov. 21, 2009 (Ohio State)
The game is interrupted at halftime when Forcier locks eyes with Terrelle Pryor and the two sprint to midfield, engaging in hand-to-hand combat for a full hour. When Pryor seems to have Forcier beaten, Tate places a finger on his hip, dislocating it. Pryor places a pillar of rocks at midfield and calls the place Peniel.
Following the 102-0 smackdown, the Wolverine fans rush the field. After his post-game interview, Forcier proposes to Erin Andrews. She accepts and demands to immediately consummate the relationship. Tate declines but winks at her. As Andrews lies writhing on the sidelines in ecstasy, Forcier parts the crowd of fans with a wave of his hand and tears up the goalposts himself.
Jan. 7, 2010 (National Title Game, USC)
During the pregame festivities, Forcier looks upon the Trojans and is heard mumbling, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
Forcier then becomes the first player in college history to kick off, bounce the ball off the upright, and catch it himself for the game's first touchdown.
The game's second touchdown comes when Forcier fumbles the ball and Taylor Mays returns it 82 yards to the house. However, that touchdown is called back when officials discover the USC defensive line wearing Kryptonite-laced jock straps.
The Wolverines win the game easily, and Forcier does his post-game interview with Erin Andrews-Forcier, vowing to go to Disney World—not to celebrate but to find a cure for Walt Disney.
April 5, 2010 (Lucas Oil Stadium)
The Michigan basketball team is down 57-39 at halftime in the national championship game. Forcier speaks to the team in the locker room but senses that things are already too far gone. Like the cutest Ewok in the galaxy, Forcier joins the fight and drops 32 points on the hapless Jayhawks in the second half.
As "One Shining Moment" plays, something magical happens. Americans no longer care that it is one crappy song and actually leave the volume turned up on their TVs. The nets fall from the baskets without any assistance and form a crown on Forcier's head.
In other possibly related news, Osama Bin Laden releases a tape the next day saying, "Maybe I was wrong about you Americans; this whole Jihad thing might be a mistake. Can you guys get me Tate Forcier's autograph? Oh, and my boy Kim Jong wants a picture of his wife."
So there it is—a year in the life of Tate Forcier. I actually went further ahead in his life, but the things I saw were so amazing—so magnificent—that I fear the lot of you would give up hope for any gratification in life between now and then.
If I were to give you a sneak peek, telling you about a world where cancer is cured and Terry Bradshaw says intelligent things, none of you would know what to do with your daily lives.
I myself went through a great deal of catharsis when I arrived back home. I could barely remember what sickness, poverty, or melancholy looked like. I was surprised to see cars running on gasoline and touching the pavement.
So, Michigan fans, know that your love for Forcier is well-founded. Don't listen to any naysayers who claim you're jumping the gun after only two games. Things can only look up from here, and your faith will be rewarded in the great rapture when only Columbus will be left on earth to burn in eternal flame.