Fantasy Baseball Island: Week of May 27

About every month or so, when the team at ChatterBalks is thoroughly frustrated with the fantasy team (Yovani Gallardo? I will see you in hell, my friend), we use the Fantasy Baseball Island as a refuge of sorts. We cover the need-to-know information about fantasy baseball, which really means, we bullshit around just like 95 percent of your friends who read Yahoo! columns and think they are god’s gift to statistical decision-making. Now that your fantasy team is (most likely) in deep shit, we’re here to rescue you. You’re welcome.

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Injury Radar—A weekly forecast of how players will be injured, according to our “Mark Prior Crystal Ball”

Alex Gordon—Self-esteem: Otherwise known as “Evan Longoria 1.0,” the former super-rookie decides to garner some attention in the headlines by doing what every needy high-school goth chick would do: overdosing on over-the-counter pain pills. Sorry, Mr. Gordon, but until you throw down a stat line like Matt Kemp, we don’t give a shit about what you do. And no, we’re not here to listen about how much Gil Meche calls you a “pansyass,” because you probably deserved it.

Jeff Keppinger—Fractured Clavicle: Just when you thought it was safe to be a stat-generating superstar on the Cincinnati Reds, Jeff Keppinger has to go and defy God’s commandment of “The Cincinnati Reds must suck for the rest of time.” Whoops, Jeff. Now it’s time for you to pay the price.

As Keppinger sacrifices his body by diving into the stands for a foul ball, several ex-cons on the Cincinnati Bengals decide he has gotten a little too good for his own Cincinnati kind. When it’s all said and done, Reds manager Dusty Baker is forced to knife fight Bengals RB Chris Perry for honor, and spares the life of his utility infielder. Whew—what a close one!

Ryan Howard—Third Degree Burns: A sub-Mendoza line batting average does not sit well with Philadelphia fans, and unfortunately for Phillies 1B Ryan Howard, this week’s promotional giveaway is “Molotov Cocktail Night.” Now that manager Charlie Manuel sleeps in the dugout (avoiding all potential objects being thrown at his old man head), Howard is the subject of a fiery wall of hate.

Most thought Philadelphia fans could only muster up half-assed racial slurs, but they are surprisingly well versed with incendiary weapons. The first baseman will be forced to miss most of the season, leaving him with a disappointing eighty home runs by the end of the year. Boo!

Rob Mackowiak—Non-Specified Death: Every week, Mackowiak’s end draws nearer. Every week could be his last. While we at ChatterBalks do know all the specifics, we don’t want to ruin the fun for people who might create a Mackowiak Death Pool. But we do want to allow Mackowiak some peace before his imminent demise, so we will provide him with hints to the event so he can prepare himself. This week’s clue: Mackowiak’s death will not be as cool as this one.

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Stategories—Roto or head-to-head? It doesn’t matter, but stats do. Here’s a rundown of the stats that matter for your fantasy league, and the players who will come through.

Sins/9—Elijah Dukes: Elijah Dukes, Lord of the Rape, cannot keep his man in his drawers, or his knives in his pockets, or…you get the point. On a team full of convicts, in a stadium full of fun, Mr. Dukes is your go-to man for trouble. Last year, Dukes got a foster child pregnant, threatened to kill a wife, and arrested for possession of weed. Check out your local police blotter, or stay tuned to Chatterbalks for additional details.

Inexplicable Goodness—Cliff Lee: Honestly, where the heck did this guy come from? Fantasy heaven? As people are asking themselves unanswerable questions about Indians P Cliff Lee, take advantage of this underused category. Currently, the only competitor to Cliff Lee in this category is Sour Cream & Onion Pringles. Mmm...

Shittiness—The San Diego Padres: In some of those deep mixed leagues, some fantasy experts will carry all kinds of shitty players on their team. Buck the trend by selecting the entire Padres team. Can you name one valuable and quality starter on the Padres? Answer: NO, YOU CAN’T, SO STOP TRYING. And since they play oh so many extra inning games, take advantage of the extra shittiness per game.

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Player We’re Overhyping: Red Sox SP Bartolo Colon

Here at ChatterBalks, we have a “Yes Fatties” policy. We do not segregate. Our favorite Colon out there on the market is one Sr. Bartolo Colon, formerly of the Gumdrop Kingdom.

He was signed to a minor-league deal early in the season, ate his way through a few prospects, and is now feasting on those AL batters. And by the way, 81% of his pitches were fastballs last night. BOOM.

Besides being a Cy Young winner in ‘05, he is a charitable man as well. He donated roughly $50,000 in ‘05 to support the victims of Hurricane Katrina. If you’ve ever wanted that heartwarming pick on your team, Bartolo is the man to (barely) fill the roster spot. Think of him as the Brett Favre for your fantasy baseball team, except he can’t fit into a pair of Wranglers.

(FAT JOKE COUNT: Six)

We expect Bartolo to rack up about 10-12 wins this year for the Nation, along with a super-sized fries, and two neapolitan milkshakes. To go, please.