B/R MMA Alter-Ego's

First, the disclaimer :

If anyone takes any offense to this “humorous” article, all complaints will be directed to someone who cares (I think). From what I hear, B/R has a fantastic complaint department.

Many members of B/R's MMA section have a distinct persona. To some it comes naturally...to others it takes endless practice.

Here is the first installment of Bleacher Report’s MMA writer comparisons :

Brian Oswald

Reach the summit without drawing one ounce of blood. Before Demian got a fistful of Nate, he was the Politically Correct Assassin. The man who transformed your rage into an advantageous position for himself. He taught you that flailing punches into his guard usually ends up with himself twisting your arm in unnatural ways until you cry Uncle.

It works on so many levels…

Stoker MacIntosh

The heavyweight banger who gets on top, stays on top, and eventually smashes your face in regardless if you know it’s happening or not. The only blemish in Stoker’s (uhmm…Lesnar’s) career has been a direct result of a suspect stoppage and point deduction by Steve “Dave Mo” Mazzagatti.

He’s not content with just beating you, he will pummel you, flip you off, promote O’Douls (non-alcoholic), then proclaim he’s about to go lay on top of YOUR wife

Mitch Ciccarelli

That skinny, young dude who pisses you off because he writes (err…fights) so well. He doesn’t aim to beat you in conventional ways, he wants to completely emasculate you in some odd way that no one has accomplished previously. If you give him wrist control, the last thing you should expect is a Kimura. Somehow, someway, he will transform it into a Peruvian Neck-Tie.

Be warned

E.Spencer Kyte

Waiting for his big break, he has stepped onto the national scene and dazzled from Day One (OK, the comparison is valid considering StrikeForce is to MMA what B/R is to actual reporting)

Analogy aside, he has been brilliant since gracing the local landscape with his presence. This foreigner has all of the tools to dominate whatever outfit he so chooses.

It’s only a matter of time before he completes the comparison and boldly accuses me of being unable to pass a drug test. Like Paulo Filho, I will prove him correct.

Anthony Ascue

As Royce introduced Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu into the world of MMA, AA has introduced actual facts into the world of on-line blog arguments.

Just like Royce being able to show you how to transition a foot-stomp into a heel-hook, he is able to factually back up the reason Carlos Newton lost consciousness after Matt Hughes’ powerbomb was a direct result of Newton cutting down on his potassium intake weeks before the bout.

Nerd

Flyin' Hawaiian

If you didn’t see this one coming, you haven’t been here too long.

Brash – check
Cocky – check
Better than you – check
Zero qualms about telling you to go F yourself – check

Let’s move on.

Parking Lot Goombah

Still going strong well into his 50’s, The Beast doesn’t need the UFC’s help. In fact, screw the UFC and the rickshaw they rode in on. If he ever stepped foot in the same room as Dana White, DW better have his Jazzercise feet ready.

When he’s done destroying Dana, he will flip off the UFC newbies, inform the crowd that Coors Lite is bottled by underprivileged Korean teenagers, then inform us that’s he’s headed home to lay on top of a dried up prune.