Week Two NFL Results: Cheerleader Edition
The NFL is finally back! I don't know about you, but Week One was basically a national holiday for me. I'm so glad football is a part of my life again.
One thing I saw in Week One was how unpredictable this season is going to be. Aside from a few games, almost nothing went like you expected it to. So if you're going to try to pick games this year, you're going to need a system.
My system, as I'm sure you've already guessed, is cheerleaders.
When in doubt, go with the team with the hottest cheerleaders. Of course, if one team doesn't have one, you gotta go the other way. In the event that both teams are without cheerleaders, you have to get creative...
So without any further ado, here are my Week Two NFL Picks: Cheerleader Edition.
FALCONS -6.5 over Panthers
Okay, it’s official. The new rule this year is never bet on the Panthers—ever. Jake Delhomme has been downgraded from “might pull something out” to “will most likely kill the team” for the season.
As tough as it is to pick against the bootylicious Carolina cheerleader, I’ve got to go with the spunky Falcons. They have got the offensive weapons and showed last week that their defense can step up when the offense falters. They’ll be hard to beat this year.
TITANS -7.5 over Texans
The Texans were a lot of people’s sleeper team this year, even if they’ve never finished above .500, all because of their stellar offense. Well, we certainly didn’t see that offense anywhere near the field last Sunday. It was especially disappointing for those of us who took Andre Johnson as the first pick of our fantasy draft (cough, cough).
The Titans, on the other hand, looked like they haven’t lost much since last season and played a good Steelers team tough into overtime.
I would pick the Titans anyway, but their cheerleaders put them over the top for sure. Not that the Texans girl isn’t trying her damndest to fire up her team—it’s just that the Titans know how to bring the heat every year with their cheerleaders. That includes sexy costumes on Halloween.
You better believe I’ve got that date marked in my calendar.
JETS +5.5 over Patriots
The Jets went a while without having cheerleaders, but they are here this year, and they are spectacular. I’m happy enough with New York for this decision that I’ll even give them the nod this week against the Patriots.
What? Pick against Bill Belichick going up against the Jets, who he’s notoriously had it out for? I know it sounds crazy, especially with the Jets throwing a rookie QB out there, but Mark Sanchez looked solid last week, and the Pats looked a little rusty.
That cheerleader could definitely motivate Sanchez to up his game.
RAIDERS +3.5 over Chiefs
JaMarcus Russell looked pretty bad for most of Week One, but he came up big when it mattered and would have won the game for the Raiders if their defense wouldn’t have let the Chargers slice through them like a hot knife through butter.
Still, the Raiders actually showed some signs of life, which could spell trouble for the Chiefs, who are still dealing with an injured quarterback and a backfield that’s iffy at best.
As much as Kansas City likes to stick it to Al Davis, I see the Raiders and the Raiderettes coming out on top this week.
BILLS -4.5 over Buccaneers
In a battle of the blond beauties, I see Buffalo coming out on top this week. They should have pulled it out last week against New England, but stupid mistakes at the end of the game cost them dearly.
The Bucs should take solace. They still have one of the hottest squads in the NFL, and as a bonus, it looks like Cadillac Williams might be back to his old self. If Byron Leftwich can grab some of that same magic, the Bucs could make a run in the NFC South.
Saints +1.5 over EAGLES
The Eagles put a beatdown on the Panthers in Week One, but they will be facing a much stronger offense and a quarterback who is just a tad bit better than Jake Delhomme—and they’ll have to do it all without Donovan McNabb to boot.
While I like the Saints to win, I see this one being a lot closer than both games last week and the Eagles to cover the spread.
I mean, come on, I can’t pick the Saints cheerleader over the Eagles one. She’s got the body, but the Philly girl has got the whole package.
CHARGERS -4.5 over Ravens
San Diego had a tougher-than-expected start to their season against Oakland, but showed some grit in pulling out the game. It was definitely a battle cheerleader-wise.
When it comes to all things pom-pom, I like the Chargers over the Ravens this week as well.
Joe Flacco didn’t live up to all the hype about his improvement this year, and I’ll have to see it before I believe it.
Meanwhile, for the Chargers, even if they lose LaDainian Tomlinson, Darren Sproles can fill in for an offense that has the ability to be electric if they have to be, as shown by their comeback win.
Rams +10.5 over REDSKINS
The Redskins may have played the Giants tough, and the Rams sure crapped the bed against the Seahawks, but there's no way the Redskins deserved the highest line of Week Two, so I have to go with the Rams to cover the spread. I'm not sure they'll win, but I don't know if the Redskins deserve so much credit.
Not that their cheerleaders aren't fine, but the Rams cheerleaders are no slouches. If only they could get the Rams to realize that they are actually a professional football team, they might be worth their weight in gold.
Or at least their weight in sequins.
NINERS -1.5 over Seahawks
The 49ers may be a decent sleeper team this year. Their defense looked solid in defeating the Cardinals' high-octane offense last week, and San Francisco’s offense looks just capable enough to win a few games.
The Seahawks are also a team to watch this year. They dealt with a ton of injuries last year and look pretty healthy this year, along with adding T.J. Houshmandzadeh to the squad.
This is one of the toughest games to call this week, and the cheerleaders aren’t making it any easier. I have to give the Niners the edge to cover, but this one could go either way.
I’d say we’re all winners in this matchup.
JAGS -3.5 over Cardinals
The curse of the Super Bowl loser is upon us. The Cardinals looked hapless in the preseason, and they didn’t look much better in an opening week loss to the Niners. Even their hot cheerleaders won’t be able to save them.
Jacksonville may be in danger of getting blacked out because of a lack of fan support this year, which is a shame, because their cheerleaders are routinely some of the hottest in the league.
I demand that people start buying tickets to see them play so I can see the Jags' cheer squad shake their pom-poms and whatever else they choose to shake.
Oh yeah, I hear Maurice Jones-Drew is supposed to be pretty decent too.
DOLPHINS +3.5 over Colts
For Monday Night Football, we have the Colts going against the Dolphins. Even though the Colts are favored, I have a feeling that the Dolphins, at home, can get back their 2008 mojo.
Besides, it's just more fun to root for Miami. They employ the Wildcat offense, and the Colts have always been a little boring, even when they had a high-powered offense. And of course, you have to factor in that Miami is home to some of the hottest women on the planet, and some of them even cheer for the team.
Gotta give Miami the cheerleader nod in this one. It just might be enough to put them over the edge.
COWBOYS -2.5 over Giants
The Giants pulled out a hard-fought victory over the Redskins last week, but they’ll be facing a decidedly better football team in the Skins’ rivals, the Dallas Cowboys. Eli Manning was solid and let his running game do their thing, but Dallas looks like they are living the good life without Terrell Owens.
With Tony Romo single and in his usual early season lights-out mode, the Cowboys are a force to be reckoned with. That’s not even mentioning the always appealing and never disappointing Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, the only girls in the group who truly deserve that capital “C.”
Bengals +9.5 over PACKERS
The Bengals suffered one of the hardest knocks I’ve ever seen last week, losing on a fluke tipped ball to the Broncos (the same play caused my fantasy team to lose because it gave Kyle Orton just enough points to beat me, but hey, I’m not bitter or anything). I feel like the Bengals will bounce back this week against Green Bay and get the win.
The Packers looked solid against the Bears in Week One, with Aaron Rodgers slowly winning his way into the clogged arteries of Green Bay fans everywhere, but the fact of the matter is, they don’t have cheerleaders, which puts them at an extreme disadvantage when it comes to these picks.
BRONCOS -3.5 over Browns
The Broncos got lucky last week against Cincinnati, but they still looked better than the Browns.
At least Cleveland scored their first offensive touchdown in seven games. Big ups for them on that front.
Sadly, the Browns lack talent, and not just on the football field. They also don’t have cheerleaders. Pity—I imagine that the Dawg Pound Girls would be a sight to see.
Vikings -9.5 over LIONS
Brett Favre, Brett Schmavre. The only name Vikings fans need to know is Adrian Peterson. The man lived up to the billing as the greatest back in football right now, and it’s not going to change this week against the Lions. I predict that All Day will have approximately 527 yards and seven touchdowns.
The Lions got a tough draw with the Saints in Week One, and now they have to face a Vikings team that looks strong. It’s going to be another long season for the cheerleader-less Detroit team.
Steelers -2.5 over BEARS
Neither Chicago nor Pittsburgh has cheerleaders, but they will both have some high-profile talent on the sidelines cheering on their respective teams come Sunday.
With Brian Urlacher gone for the season and Troy Polamalu gone for at least this week, there will be big holes to fill on defense for both teams. Luckily for the Steelers, they will be facing a quarterback who likes to throw it directly to the defense.
Getting off to a 0-2 start is not what the Bears were thinking would happen when they finally got their franchise quarterback, but unless something dramatic changes, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.