Sexy Time: Power-Ranking SEC Teams by Cheerleaders

This cheerleader is totally misrepresentative of Tennessee's play in their home loss to UCLA, because she is neither flat nor ugly...nor would she throw three interceptions as a fifth-year senior. Ouch.

Mississippi State might be good. They scored 24 points on an Auburn defense. They also might be bad. They gave up 49 points. Who knows? It's a total toss-up at this point.

Huh? Kentucky plays football? Against whom? Louisville. Hmm, they sound hard. I wonder what my cats are doing right now.

Hate to rank Vandy so low because they might have a good squad.

The Commodores put up a good fight against LSU in Death Valley. But a few losses and a low rank mean nothing to beautiful, wealthy people breeding with each other over hundreds of years, which is all Vanderbilt stands for anyway.

One mo' julep, chil'. This heat's done made me thair-sty. #fansself

The Tigers are 2-0! And looking good! Say goodbye to Washington and Vanderbilt, baby! Handily defeated, mmm-mmm! Maybe it's time for another SEC title run!

Everything's shipshape in funky Baton Rouge*!

*Psst. This is a lie. My editors wouldn't allow me to show you what LSU actually looks like. Peep it at your own risk.

Um, get it? They like cocks. Big, honkin', close-game-losin' cocks, durp.

You've got to hand it to Auburn. They've been flailing about like a dying man for about four years, but they simply refuse to go away. Props on the resiliency, messieur Chizik. We know you like to preach the merits of stretching. A few more weeks and we can see if you know how to, um, play football.

Don't let Georgia fool you. They're actually a good team. They just like to pretend to be bad to see what it's like for a spell.

Like this cheerleader. She ain't gettin' lifted; she's actually that tall! Fooled us the first time, too. See, they do things differently in Georgia.

What? Her ass is out? Why, we didn't notice. Georgia done tricked us again!

I like Arkansas to win nine games and be the team that upsets Florida this year. I think Ryan Mallett's a stud at QB, and I think the team has come a long way since Bobby Petrino took over as head coach.

Who cares what I think? This chick is hot.

There are almost 1,800 cheerleaders on the Ole Miss freshman pep squad—and Houston Nutt recruited and signed every one of them.

What I love about Alabama: that "classy" just means "what whores guest-starring on Match Game PM would wear 30 years ago."

Goddammit, they win at everything forever down there, don't they?

If you liked this slideshow, check out Sven's They Love To Score: Power-Ranking The Cheerleaders From The 12.