Sexy Time: Power-Ranking SEC Teams by Cheerleaders

When you're in the SEC, you're never doing bad. Unless you're Tennessee. Or Mississippi State. Or Ole Miss a few years ago.

But we digress. You're never doing bad when you're SEC representin'. And that goes double for the cheerleaders. They're twice as hot as any other conferences', NOT TO MENTION they run sub 4.4 40s—and that makes them harder to catch.

After last week's college gridiron action, let's see where each team stands, power-wise, by taking a closer look at the state of their cheer squads.

12. Tennessee: Neither Flat nor Ugly

This cheerleader is totally misrepresentative of Tennessee's play in their home loss to UCLA, because she is neither flat nor ugly...nor would she throw three interceptions as a fifth-year senior. Ouch.

11. Mississippi State: Kind of Good. Also, Kind of Bad.

Mississippi State might be good. They scored 24 points on an Auburn defense. They also might be bad. They gave up 49 points. Who knows? It's a total toss-up at this point.

10. Kentucky: Thinking About Cats

Huh? Kentucky plays football? Against whom? Louisville. Hmm, they sound hard. I wonder what my cats are doing right now.

9. Vanderbilt: Too Rich and Pretty to Care

Hate to rank Vandy so low because they might have a good squad.

The Commodores put up a good fight against LSU in Death Valley. But a few losses and a low rank mean nothing to beautiful, wealthy people breeding with each other over hundreds of years, which is all Vanderbilt stands for anyway.

One mo' julep, chil'. This heat's done made me thair-sty. #fansself

8. LSU: Everything's Peachy! :)

The Tigers are 2-0! And looking good! Say goodbye to Washington and Vanderbilt, baby! Handily defeated, mmm-mmm! Maybe it's time for another SEC title run!

Everything's shipshape in funky Baton Rouge*!

*Psst. This is a lie. My editors wouldn't allow me to show you what LSU actually looks like. Peep it at your own risk.

7. South Carolina: Remembering What's Important

Um, get it? They like cocks. Big, honkin', close-game-losin' cocks, durp.

6. Auburn: Showing Admirable Resilience

You've got to hand it to Auburn. They've been flailing about like a dying man for about four years, but they simply refuse to go away. Props on the resiliency, messieur Chizik. We know you like to preach the merits of stretching. A few more weeks and we can see if you know how to, um, play football.

5. Georgia: Actually That Tall

Don't let Georgia fool you. They're actually a good team. They just like to pretend to be bad to see what it's like for a spell.

Like this cheerleader. She ain't gettin' lifted; she's actually that tall! Fooled us the first time, too. See, they do things differently in Georgia.

What? Her ass is out? Why, we didn't notice. Georgia done tricked us again!

4. Arkansas: In Which I Lose My Credibility as a Journalist

I like Arkansas to win nine games and be the team that upsets Florida this year. I think Ryan Mallett's a stud at QB, and I think the team has come a long way since Bobby Petrino took over as head coach.

Who cares what I think? This chick is hot.

3. Ole Miss: Two Thousand Strong for the Rebels

There are almost 1,800 cheerleaders on the Ole Miss freshman pep squad—and Houston Nutt recruited and signed every one of them.

2. Alabama: Trampin' It Up for Tide Nation

What I love about Alabama: that "classy" just means "what whores guest-starring on Match Game PM would wear 30 years ago."

1. Florida: Winning Forever

Goddammit, they win at everything forever down there, don't they?