The Dallas Cowboys' Top 10 Most Likely Scenarios to End Their Season
Nobody is more excited than I am for the return of America's new pastime in the form of the National Football League.
There are many storylines and many reasons to be excited, Michael Vick is back, Tom Brady is too, Carson Palmer and Matt Hasselbeck are also reportedly healthy.
The Steelers are looking to repeat and make a claim for team of the decade, Dan Snyder is still throwing a lot of money around, hoping it sticks, and the Oakland Raiders are still run by a man who rubs poop on the walls of his office and loves those good 40 times.
And there are three things, though, that we have been able to count on for years now; the Arizona Cardinals are a joke...Check that, two things we have been able to count on for years now. The Colts winning 12 games and the Dallas Cowboys tripping over their shoelaces in December.
Seriously, for a team with a reputation of attracting more than the average amount of bandwagon fans, the Cowboys have done little in recent memory to warrant such popularity.
No playoff wins since I was six years old and a knack for not just losing but losing in incredibly memorable ways and when the games matter the most, in December.
Last season's Week 17 game at Philadelphia was so shocking, so embarrassing, and so twistedly comical that my reaction to it all was to laugh manically about midway through the third quarter and attempt to make jokes for the rest of the game and then feel sick up until the Super Bowl.
I can't even imagine what it was like being a Red Sox fan after the 2003 ALCS. Here are the three likely scenarios of my reaction to Game 7 of that series:
-Driving into the desert before abandoning my car and walking around aimlessly for the rest of my days.
-Getting arrested for being liquored up and cutting off the heads of parking meters.
-Stop watching baseball.
So Dallas Cowboys, you are officially on notice! 85 years passed between the Red Sox 1918 World Series title and that ALCS.
That leaves you with 74 more years to bring me some joy or I may stop watching football. No point in trying to talk me out of it; I've made up my mind.
As far as the 2009 Dallas Cowboys, it would be foolish to completely rule them out, even without Terrell Owens. Tony Romo missed three games last season with a broken pinkie and was roughed up quite a bit near the end of the season. He starts this season healthy.
Roy Williams should be better with more time adjusted to the offense, they have three good RBs they can rely on, and the defense did play better after Wade Phillips took over calling plays on defense.
But am I picking them? Of course not, I'm going to do the best I can to not get my hopes up again, as history has shown me they will suffer a few more stomach-punching losses.
Especially when the December schedule features games at the Giants, San Diego, at New Orleans, at Washington, and then Philadelphia once again for the final game of the season.
Trying to give me a heart attack before the season even begins I see, it will not work! I will be ready for the collapse whenever it comes, but how will it come?
Well, maybe the recipe is to exhaust all the strangest and most horrifying possibilities and who knows...Maybe life will give Dallas Cowboys fans a surprise.
So I've come up with this list of 10 bizarre scenarios that end with the Dallas Cowboys going home with their heads down. Hopefully in January I can laugh over this as the Dallas Cowboys end up surprising me in January, but I'm not counting on it.
10. What a Folk Up!
Week 17, the Cowboys trail the Eagles 28-21 with four seconds remaining and 15 yards away from a tying score.
Tony Romo comes through finding Roy Williams in the back of the end zone for what would have been a tying score, except Nick Folk misses the extra point wide right.
Folk has been very reliable since coming into the league out of the University of Arizona, but he really folked things up this time.
9. 'I'm not gonna be ignored, Tony!'
In honor of the release this year of Fatal Attraction 2, err I mean Obsessed...The crazy blonde is gonna get her way.
It will be the real Jessica Simpson that does the Dallas Cowboys in, I just like this picture.
Tony Romo is gonna regret the day he broke up with Jessica Simpson after she drugs him and brings him to a desolate island, where she locks him up in a life-sized barbie house for the rest of eternity!
You call it hogwash? Just wait and see, buddy...Wait and see.
8. The Kitna Speaks
The Dallas Cowboys' new backup QB, Jon Kitna, has been known to make a prediction from time to time. In 2007, when he was starting for the Detroit Lions, he predicted that they would win 10 games that season.
The prediction looked a lot better than many originally thought when the Lions won six of their first eight games.
After dropping one in Arizona, the Lions would drop their fourth of the year to the New York Giants 16-10. Kitna said after the game that the Giants were lucky to win.
Giants DE Michael Strahan fired back saying that the team couldn't believe that the Lions were a 6-3 team coming in after that performance.
Strahan would have the last laugh, as the Giants would go on to win the the Super Bowl and the Lions would finish just 7-9 after the hot start.
Kitna would make the same prediction last season, this time the Lions finished just 10 wins shy of that 10-6 mark.
Whatever Jon Kitna predicts, Super Bowl, playoffs, .500 record, whatever it is, it means that the Dallas Cowboys are doomed to fail.
Right after the New York Yankees win the 2009 World Series and Alex Rodriguez is named World Series MVP, Tony Romo elects to steal the Anti-Jessica Simpson also known as Kate Hudson.
This does not bode well: Romo ends the season with 17 TDs and 32 INTs.
6. Brett Favre
Even at such an old age, Brett Favre still loves the game of football so much. Like a little kid playing two-hand touch, Brett's childlike enthusiasm is a joy for football fans to watch and admire.
Look! He just high-fived his offensive coordinator! He picked up Percy Harvin and put him on his back! Oh, he just shot a deer! Oh Brett, Brett, Brett, we loooooooove you!!!
Why did I bring up Brett Favre? Because this article needed him, the NFL needs him, the world needs him. And if the Dallas Cowboys were smart, they would have signed him.
Dallas Cowboys, payback is a Brett!
5. It's A Conspiracy!
After a tough overtime loss to the Green Bay Packers in Week 10, Roy Williams will complain that Tony Romo has been hanging out with Jason Witten and drawing up plays for him.
This will lead to a fight in the locker room. Jason Witten will suffer a boxer's fracture in his right hand, Roy Williams a concussion, out for the season and there goes the Dallas Cowboys' season.
4. The Other Roy Williams
Desperately needing help in the secondary, the Kansas City Chiefs will trade for Roy Williams right before their Week Five matchup with the Dallas Cowboys. This ends badly...Really badly.
Try horse-collar tackles to WR Roy Williams, Patrick Crayton, Miles Austin, Kyle Kozier (Don't ask how), and Marion Barber after a long run...And a broken ankle for each of them.
You try to run an offense with all of those guys out for an extended period of time, this ends with a 6-10 season for the Dallas Cowboys.
3. An Obsession with Cabo
This scenario actually has the Dallas Cowboys making the playoffs, 11-5 and Wild Card berth.
Problem is, Tony Romo, thinking they have a bye, decides to go to Cabo with his new girlfriend (don't think he won't have one) and misses the game.
Romo arrives back in Dallas Sunday night, right after Jon Kitna had just thrown four INTs in a playoff loss.
2. Was The Dance Worth It?
If you watched the Dallas Cowboys' Thanksgiving game against the Seattle Seahawks, you would have noticed Dallas Cowboys defenders doing a turkey dance after getting a sack.
This year against the Oakland Raiders it should be much of the same story, and DeMarcus Ware will even get hurt again. This time, it will be a torn ACL while doing the turkey dance. Should have seen that coming.
Typically losing 20 sacks from a defensive unit doesn't exactly do wonders for their pass rush.
1. Gosh That Darn Scoreboard!
You heard the snickering after a Tennessee Titans punter clipped the scoreboard during the first pre-season game. Jerry Jones will regret not moving it up.
The setting is Week 17 against Philadelphia again, this time it is in overtime tied at 24 and the Dallas Cowboys have the ball.
Facing 3rd-and-long, Tony Romo launches one down the middle of the field intended for Miles Austin only for the ball to get a slight piece of the scoreboard and it falls down in the hands of Asante Samuel.
That would be a pick six, 30-24 final for the Eagles as they get the sixth and final playoff spot over the Dallas Cowboys.
The scoreboard is 90 feet in the air. You say inconceivable? I say probable; watch out for this.