Alright, it’s pretty apparent that over the past few years, ESPN, CBS and FOX have entered into a battle to see who has the worst NFL Pregame show. Let’s take a closer look to see who is actually the worst.
ESPN – Sunday NFL Countdown
Chris Berman does his best to move along this 2 hour (2 HOURS? Seriously?!) snooze-fest. I feel for the guy, I really do. Let’s look at who he has to work with.
Mike Ditka – Former Bears coach and rasta-wig wearing knucklehead, this guy normally talks about TE’s a lot and that’s about it, you’ll forget what he’s said about 2 minutes after he’s said it. I like the guy I just don’t want to hear him tell me why Jason Whitten is such a good TE for the 10th time.
Tom Jackson – Long-time partner with Berman, Jackson loves to hear himself talk, you can just tell by his long-winded ramblings into nothingness. Informative? No. Always a sure bet to pick the Broncos? Yes.
Keyshawn Johnson - This guy is always laughing, smiling at Ditka, I honestly don’t know what the hell he’s doing on TV. I think he’s on there to mix it up with Jackson, whatever that means.
Emmitt Smith - Is Smith actually still with ESPN? I’m pretty sure they let him go, he wasn’t good enough for this show and THAT’S saying something.
Steve Young – Occasionally Young will something that’s opinionated and not cliched but most of the time he’ll look at the camera like he’s had too many concussions (which he has).
Cris Carter – You can just tell that Carter thinks he has more football knowledge than the rest of the crew and maybe he does but it’s kind of hard to tell with his inane observations and opinions.
Chris Mortensen – Really the only reason to watch this show, he’s probably on camera for about 10 or 15 minutes total, but amazingly in that amount of time he has more real information on the day’s games and players than the rest of the crew combined. Still not worth turning on ESPN, though.
CBS - The NFL Today
Like Berman, CBS’ host James Brown does the best to move along this trainwreck of a show. I can only imagine what Brown is thinking while the rest of these clowns are talking.
Dan Marino – You can just tell that Marino loves just showing up on the set, saying a few words and collecting a nice paycheck. I like Marino but on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of how informative he is I’d have to give him a 3.
Bill Cowher – The newest member to this crew, Cowher sits smack in the middle of the show but it’s almost like he’s not even present. Most of the time he’ll say stuff like “I really like this player” and he’ll be talking about Tavaris Jackson! Holy crap. At least he’s opinionated on the rare times he talks.
Shannon Sharpe – Can anyone understand what Sharpe is saying? I call him “Mr. Marblemouth” because it really sounds like he’s put as many marbles in his mouth as possible before talking. I don’t know what he’s saying so therefore he gets an incomplete.
Boomer Esiason – Is Esiason annoying? Yes. Does he have the best opinions and most information of anyone on this show? Yes, but that’s not exactly something to be proud of.
Charlie Casserly – This guy scares me. Where did he come from? I’m assuming he used to do hits for the mafia, but I can’t prove it. He’s NFL Today’s version of Chris Mortensen but probably not as reliable. He supposedly has inside sources, info, etc.
FOX – The NFL on Fox
Aw, yes, the NFL on Fox, the original dummy pregame show. Thanks to the high ratings of this show (America, you’re really not that stupid are you?) CBS and ESPN have followed suit and copied Fox’s format. I don’t know who the host is now that Brown has left but I’m assuming he’s doing the best he can. Let’s look at Fox’s “analysts”.
Terry Bradshaw – Bradshaw obviously gets off on acting like a hillbilly and saying stupid shit and people LOVE it. It’s a win win situation. I like Bradshaw but watching him for his opinions on the day’s games just isn’t going to get you anywhere.
Howie Long – I call Long “The Professor”, not because he says informative stuff (sometimes he does) but because he looks very intensely into the camera while wearing glasses and using big words that you may have to look up in a dictionary. It’s almost as if he’s trying really hard to make you think he might be the world’s smartest man when it comes to football knowledge. Nice try, Howie, but I’m not buying it!!
Jimmy Johnson – Johnson is just another in a long line of NFL TV “analysts” that will say something and you’ll totally forget 2 minutes later he ever said it because it’ll be something like “Brady and this offense looks really good right now”. No shit?
Michael Strahan – I’m just assuming Strahan is missing his playing days already and wants some of that attention that he used to get as a Giant. I think it’s a pretty safe assumption.
Jay Glazer - Fox’s version of Chris Mortensen. His sources seem reliable enough but he comes off as a total douchebag.
Conclusion – Three way tie, they’re all the SAME show. Each filled with the same cliches and stupid one-liners, give or take a few honest observations. If you already watch football and spend 10 or 15 minutes on the internet looking at NFL.com for stats and highlights there is absolutely no reason to watch any of these shows. The only decent pregame show on TV is the Edge NFL Matchup show, but ESPN, being the joke of a network it is these days, has the show on at like 2 AM, so good luck with that.