2008 NFL Predictions

*In an effort to make fans forget about 2005’s embarrassing “Sex Boat” scandal, safeties Darren Sharper and Madieu Williams head the day-long “Vikings Care: Boat Safeties” workshop on Lake Minnetonka in August. The event is a huge success, attracting a turnout of 102,381, of which 102,379 are male, although most go home disappointed when it becomes apparent that the workshop actually is about boat safety, and not about how to manage strippers at sea level, with "sea" meaning "waist."

*All Indianapolis Colts radio and television on-air personnel are ordered to take sensitivity training to ensure that, when describing passes from Peyton Manning to Marvin Harrison, the phrase “fired a bullet” is not to be used.

*Raiders coach Lane Kiffin, frustrated with the meddling ways of Al Davis, issues an ultimatum to Davis in August, demanding that Davis fire him or die. Kiffin is fired immediately.

*Atlanta Falcons rookie quarterback Matt Ryan enjoys a successful season, starting the Falcons' final six games, and throwing 11 touchdown passes. However, his business undertakings don’t fare as well, particularly his venture into the popcorn field, unfortunately called “Bad Newz Kernels.”

*In November, Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry fathers his tenth child, and reaches a monumental personal milestone. The tenth child's mother is also the mother of Henry's seventh child, the first instance of Henry fathering two children with the same mother.

“I thought that was only possible by having twins,” quips Henry.

In December, Henry fails a drug test and is criticized by Broncos coach Mike Shanahan. Shanahan accuses Henry of being selfish, and showing the same amount of disdain for the NFL's drug policy as he does for birth control, and garnished wages.

*Tom Brady, who in May, compared ESPN to MTV, hosts the 2009 ESPY Awards, and, during his initial monologue, is slimed, Nickelodeon-style, with buckets of green goo. Infuriated, Brady then uses his good looks, charm, and demonic, telekinetic powers to lock the doors of the Kodak Theater and set it ablaze, burning to death numerous athletes and entertainment icons, including John Travolta. Brady spares a few ESPN employees, including Sage Steele, Rachel Nichols, Melissa Starke, and Bonnie Bernstein.

Later, outside the scorched theater, Brady presents Patriots head coach Bill Belichick with a lifetime achievement award in the field of unethical practices, an award known as the “ESPY-onage.”

*Gatorade unveils its much anticipated new product, “Gatorade Water,” with a media blitz starring Peyton Manning, who cements his status as professional sport's greatest endorser by successfully pimping a product available to practically all consumers, with a clever slogan of "You're already 3/4 full of it. Why not be totally full of it? I am."

*At the Oct. 26 Chargers-Saints contest at London's Wembley Stadium, rowdy British fans witness sloppy play that results in nine turnovers, eleven counting the two suffered by husky-voiced singer Amy Winehouse, who fumbles the lyrics to the "Star Spangled Banner" prior to the game, then fumbles her crack pipe after the game. Later, Saints star Reggie Bush meets his family, enjoying a luxury suite at Buckingham Palace courtesy of some well-connected USC boosters.

*The Giants Michael Strahan returns for his 16th season when former Packer quarterback Brett Favre lays down before a one-year contract, which Strahan pounces on.

*New Dallas cornerback Pacman Jones quickly endears himself to the Cowboys faithful, returning a punt for a touchdown in Dallas' 28-24 win over Philadelphia in their home opener on September 15th. Jones enjoys a career season, at least up until Week 15, when he is arrested for “ignorant exposure” and stealing a key chain at the “Texas Gun and Stripper Show” at the Texas State Fairgrounds.

*The New England Patriots win Super Bowl XLIII, beating the Dallas Cowboys 31-23.

*Under Armour, seeking to smother consumers with its ever-expanding apparel market, teams up with The Food Network to produce grilling aprons and caps bearing the Under Armour logo, and patented moisture-wicking capabilities. Under Armour also partners with furniture giant Rooms To Go, where the “Look Like An Athlete, Even Though You’re Not” room design quickly becomes a top seller.

*Randy Moss’ new Craftsman truck racing team sports the longest team name in NASCAR racing history, the lengthily, yet aptly titled “’Fro’s, Cornrows, Ho’s, and Mo Fo’s On Pit Row,” and makes a splashy debut at Martinsville on October 18. There, Moss’ truck, driven by Willie T. Ribbs, Jr., finishes on the lead lap in 19th place. Unfortunately, the No. 81 car is disqualified when a post-race inspection reveals that Moss’ truck exceeds the weight limit, most likely the result of three audio speakers with 16” woofers stashed in the truck’s bed.

*The Carolina Panther Cheerleaders 2008 season calendar goes on sale in June and sells briskly. The calendar, titled “The Top Cats Brand Spanking New 2008 Season Calendar” features the Top Cats in provocative poses in various bathroom stalls throughout the Charlotte area. October’s photo is particularly sensual, depicting two gorgeous cheerleaders in their Halloween costumes, each wearing the face of the other.

In a related note, Panther quarterback Jake Delhomme, a huge fan of the Top Cats, makes a strong return from last year's injury, with his elbow at full-strength, and then some. Delhomme throws for 4,100 yards and 36 touchdowns, 14 to Steve Smith, and the Panthers win the NFC South with a 10-6 record.

*Chad Johnson, after scoring on a 80-yard bomb from Carson Palmer on the first play from scrimmage in the Bengals preseason opener against Green Bay, celebrates with a new and well-practiced routine he calls the “Hissy Fit.” Johnson then demands a trade, a plane to Casablanca, $1.5 million in unmarked bills of low denomination, and a tender shoulder to cry on.

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