2008 NFL Predictions

*Tony Romo connects with Jason Witten 83 times on the season. 84 if you count their Mexican vacation during a bye week. While there, they are joined by faux-R&B crooner Nick Lachey, and the three are photographed skinny-dipping in an inflatable pool.

*In a preseason game in Toronto, Pittsburgh defensive end Brett Keisel is penalized for a late hit on Buffalo's quarterback Trent Edwards. Later in the game, Keisel is engaged by former Toronto Maple Leafs goon Tie Domi, who beats Keisel to a pulp before linesmen intervene.

Keisel, known more for his finesse than his physicality, has trouble from the start, fumbling to get his gloves off, then becoming totally incapacitated when Domi pulls Keisel’s shoulder pads over his head.

*To add to his growing collection of rings obtained in 2008, which includes a Super Bowl ring and a wedding ring, Eli Manning adds a nipple ring, a souvenir of a drunken night out the town with teammate Jeremy Shockey. Afterwards, Shockey confides to Manning that he’d like to be traded, seemingly discontented with his status, much like that of former Cowboy Larry Brown and current Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, as a player who has won a Super Bowl ring for doing absolutely nothing.

*Matt Leinart, experiencing some down time due to a sore groin, invents a variation of the whirlpool machine, a product he calls the “Sub-ma-wiener.” The contraption, which is essentially a whirlpool machine that seats eight, also features a full bar and seven sets of underwater breathing gear. The gear, dubbed "SCUBA" by a chuckling Leinart, stands for "Self-Contained Underwater Blowing Apparatus," and comes standard on all "Sub-ma-wiener" whirlpools.

*St. Louis Rams first-round pick Chris Long quickly impresses in the first half of the season with six sacks, stunning many offensive linemen with his quickness and relentlessness. He reminds many of his father, Raiders great Howie Long.

It’s not until a Nov. 9 game at the Jets that an offensive lineman appears to find the secret to blocking Long. Jets offensive tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson holds Long to no sacks and no tackles, and credits film study of Howie Long for his success.

Ferguson professes that after viewing tape of the elder Long, particularly as an analyst with the Fox Network, he notices that Long always turned to jelly in the presence of weather girl/eye candy Jillian Barberie. A craftily-placed picture of Barberie on Ferguson's visor incapacitates the rookie, and Long, just like his father, turns into a bumbling idiot anytime he sees Barberie.

*Recently retired Packers quarterback Brett Favre, after viewing the blockbuster action flick Iron Man, experiences a startling revelation—that Robert Downey, Jr. would probably make a better quarterback than Aaron Rogers.

*On Dec. 14, in blizzard conditions at Arrowhead Stadium, San Diego’s Antonio Cromartie returns a wobbly, snow-repelled punt by the Chiefs Dustin Colquitt one yard for a touchdown, thereby giving him not only the longest return touchdown in NFL history, but also the shortest.

*Upper Deck introduces its new “LaDainian Tomlinson Playoff Action Figure,” which features Tomlinson dejectedly sitting on the bench with his knee wrapped, cursing the name of the New England Patriots.

*The Browns go 11-5 to win the AFC North and secure the No. 3 seed. In an AFC Divisional game in Foxboro, Derek Anderson leads a fourth-quarter drive to set up a 49-yard field goal attempt by Phil Dawson for the win. Dawson's kick has the distance, but the ball hits a camera mounted on the goal post's support bar and bounces into the end zone. The Patriots win 23-21, adding to a growing list of playoff games won with the benefit of a camera.

*After moving from left defensive end to the right side, Carolina’s Julius Peppers abruptly withdraws his presidential support for Barack Obama and aligns himself with Republican John McCain. Peppers inexplicably is named a starter to the Pro Bowl in January, despite registering fewer sacks than Minnesota's Jared Allen, New York's Osi Umenyiora, and Seattle

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