If Your Team's Division Was a TV Show

Tony TuckerCorrespondent ISeptember 6, 2009

CLEVELAND - SEPTEMBER 7:  NFL Kickoff 2008 banner is shown during the Cleveland Browns game against the Dallas Cowboys at Cleveland Browns Stadium on September 7, 2008 in Cleveland, Ohio.  (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

I would like to believe that every NFL division has its own identity. Just so most of us can get on the same page, I’ve chosen to compare them to popular TV shows.  In the following, I will give your favorite teams division a personality and also prognosticate there place in the upcoming 2009 – 2010 season.

AFC – North: Everybody Loves Raymond

Just like in every episode, Ray has a problem. It’s not pretty, but it always comes out favorable which reminds me of the Steelers. The Ravens, serving as the younger brother Robert, finish a close second but seemingly distant in the big picture. The Browns are in everyone else’s business like the mother Marie, but forget their own problems. The Bengals mimic Frank with their me first attitudes.

1.  Pit

2.  Bal (wild card)

3.  Cle

4.  Cin

AFC – East: Cheers

New England plays the part of Ted Danson in this scenario, the main character that the entire division revolves around, good looking, witty, gets the girls. Cliff, Norm and Dr. Crane all sit around and marvel at how things work out so great for him. Think about it, the Jets, Bills, and Dolphins sit around the bar waiting for something like an injury to the league’s top QB to finally enjoy a little pie.

1.  Ne

2.  Buf

3.  Mia

4.  Jets

AFC – South: Facts of Life

There is not a whole lot to say about this division outside of the Colts and Titans being amazing regular season teams, but underachievers in the post season.  They're like Blair during the regular season, beautiful, admired, but in the post season they are like Natalie, kind of dumpy, but nonetheless good people who just have to work harder. Jaguars and Texans are just Natalie in every season, regular and post.

1.  Ind

2.  Ten (wild card)

3.  Hou

4.  Jax

AFC – West: Married With Children

If you’ve ever watched the Bundys, then you are aware that this is the perfect comparison.  Everyone over the age of 25 knows that Kelly Bundy looks great in a mini skirt and tube top, in the same light the Chargers look amazing on paper. Wins should be cheap and easy just like Kelly. 

Broncos and Bud have a great amount in common, the most noticeable is that no one wants to be with them. The Chiefs and Peg have more than the color red in common. They both like to shop for things that don’t work, Peg on QVC and KC on over hyped QBs and coaches who come from great systems. 

Of course we can’t forget the star of this comedy drama and that would be Al “Touchdown” Bundy, the similarities between the Raiders and Al are endless but my favorite is that both shows are led by guys named Al living on their football glory days from the '70s.

1.  SD

2.  Kc

3.  Den

4.  Oak

NFC – North: Desperate House Wives

Normally, this division would be more like King of Queens. However, with Brett Favre playing for the rival Vikings, Brett’s replacement Aaron Rodgers being the new girl on the block, Jay Cutler being a first class diva, and the sad but hopeful Lions just looking to get a nut, this division is more like Desperate House Wives.  This division will be sure to bring us some cheap shots, hair pulling, gossiping, scandals, and a good time. Plus Aaron Rodgers vs. Jay Cutler, who doesn’t love a good old cat fight?  

1.  GB

2.  Min (wild card)

3.  Chi

4.  Det

NFC – East: Seinfeld

A show about nothing leads me to a division about nothing because three of the best teams will end up with the same division record.  You’ve got Jerry matching up with the Cowboys, entertaining and obliviously the most successful.

  Who’s season will be more erratic than the Eagles? Losing to inferior teams, random QB benching, and a circus attraction in Vick sounds like Kramer to me.  Good old George what else could possibly go wrong for him, it’s not like he’s going to shot himself in the leg. Sound familiar Giants fans?  Sweet Elaine, willing to get into bed with almost anyone just like the Redskins and their owner and guess what, it never works out.

1.  Dal

2.  Phi (wild card)

3.  Nyg

4.  Was

NFC – South: Rosanne

I picked this show for this division because much like the program, this division is often over looked for its quality.  There aren’t any real good character comparisons, but three of the four teams are tough games for any opponent just like an argument with Rosanne.  Between the Panthers, Saints and Falcons, it's a lot like one of Rosanne’s loose meat sandwiches. You never know what you’re getting.

1.  Atl

2.  No

3.  Car

4.  Tb

NFC – West: Friends

Is it just me or does it seem like none of these teams want to win this division?  To me this division appears to want everyone to have a chance to win. It use to be the 49ers, then the Rams had a run until the Seahawks took over, and finally it’s time for the Cardinals to get in on the fun. There all hanging out together at the coffee shop deciding who’s going to win next. Phoebe wrote a perfect song called “Smelly Cat” that sums up this division perfectly. 

1.  Sea

2.  Ari

3.  Sf

4.  Stl

So there you have it, the NFL season will shake itself out like a season of the Sapranos and come playoff time we'll decide who is going to finish the year as Tony.


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