Cincinnati Bengals Replace Scouting Dept. With Sports Illustrated Subscription

Fans of the Cincinnati Bengals cheered in the streets today after the team announced it would finally eliminate its Player Personnel Department, and replace it with a subscription to Sports Illustrated Magazine.

"It's about time," said one reveller at an impromptu tailgate party outside of Paul Brown Stadium. "I never thought I'd live to see this day!"

"We've waited a long time for this," agreed another in a threadbare Akili Smith jersey. "I was beginning to think we would go another 17 years without a playoff win."

The team raised the fans' ire the past several seasons by employing no less than nine people in its Player Personnel Department, a number thought by most to be too big and unwieldy.

"I don't know why we can't just streamline that down some," Pete Brown famously asked just a few days ago. "As Senior Vice President of Player Personnel, I think the first thing we should do is fire me. And I would not stop there, I can tell you that."

Apparently, after months of pleading, team owner Mike Brown was finally convinced to make the change.

In a prepared statement to the press, Brown made it clear how he feels about the move.

"I heard the fans and I listened," it read in part. "We have upgraded our scouting information dramatically, we have made our staff as efficient as possible, and because we acted quickly, we will save more than half off the cover price and we will get the swimsuit issue absolutely free."

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