The All Time Superhero Baseball Team
Baseball is filled with sheer beauty and wonder. It allows us to truly believe in the impossible and gives way to imagination like no other sport. The intangibles of baseball, after all make it Americas Pastime.
With that imagination come fierce debates. We've all wondered how the '86 Mets would fare against the '76 Reds (Mets over Reds in six) or how Babe Ruth would stack up against today's All Stars.
But lets take the imagination one step further.
Baseball players are among the greatest athletes in pro. sports (although any idiot lacrosse or football player would tell you different) and play the game better than anyone on earth. But after all, they're just human.
Lets use our imagination and envision a world where SUPER HUMANS played the game. With that said, I bring you the All Time Superhero Baseball Team.
And if you're looking for Superman, you won't find him here. Why? Screw Superman, that's why!
The criminal mastermind is one of the most formidable figures in organized crime-comic book history. His operations are global and the man rolls in dough which makes him the obvious choice for owner. He'll outspend any owner alive, his temper is not one to test and he is always determined for success. And he's really fat, which is awesome.
General Manager, Bruce Wayne/Batman
Smart, handsome and with great negotiating skills, Bruce Wayne/Batman is the obvious choice to run a franchise. Batman has dealt with tons of adversity (dead parents, psychotic serial killers, assassinated partners, etc.) and never cracks under the pressures of the rigorous life that is GM. He has shown incredible money savvy in his position as CEO of Wayne Enterprises and knows how to run an organization.
Manager, Professor Charles Xavier
Wasn't it obvious? THE DUDE CAN READ MINDS! Widely considered to be the most powerful mutant on Earth (and arguably the Astral Plains), Xavier is the smartest manager to ever live. Out-managing every rival he faces, Xavier is easily the natural pick.The dude has been around mutants his entire life; his leadership experience from founding Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters has paid off dividends and nothing can stop him. Except....
Bench Coach, Magneto
Brother of Xavier and constant hot head, Magneto is the #2 guy when it comes to this team. Although Magneto and Xavier constantly bicker and destroy cities entire to kill each other sometimes, at the end of the day it's all love.
Hitting Coach, Hulk
Pitching Coach, Dave Duncan
Widely considered the best pitching coach alive, Dave Duncan is a freak of nature. The guru of pitching has led the 2009 Cardinals to one of the best pitching teams in baseball and transformed John Smoltz after his horrendous tenure in Boston. Mutant? Oh yes.
Leadoff Hitter, Second Baseman, Flash
Widely known as the fastest being known to man, Flash is a leadoff machine who violates the laws of physics when he damn well feels like it. Infield hits are a daily occurrence and his range in the infield is comparable to that of....no one. Stole a record 340340945340985340958340953845093485309485304953409534095833049583405983405983409534095834098530495812398734508317489513 bases last season.
Two Hitter, Shortstop, Spiderman
My personal favorite, Spiderman is the natural choice for moving runners over and robbing base hits with his speed, agility, strength and reflexes. The quintessential two hitter, Spiderman sees the ball like no other mutant, delivers constant doubles in the gap and steals bases with ease. Modeling his swing after Joe Mauer, Spidey is batting .932 in his career.
Three Hole, Third Baseman, Albert Pujols
AKA "The Machine" (But don't tell him that), Pujols was the natural choice for one of his original positions, third base. Widely regarded as the best overall hitter in the league, Pujols hits for both power and average. Fitting in quite fine with his fellow mutants, Pujols possesses leadership and a hunger for winning that could never be put out. Except maybe by Hydro Man.
Cleanup, Left Field, Thor
God of thunder, champion of Asgard and figure of worship among the ancient Norse, Thor is widely known as one of the most powerful figures in comic book history. His powers include enhanced strength, near invulnerability, VAST (and I mean vast) magical abilities, but most important is his hammer of Mjolnir which can open interdimensional portals, permit flight, channel storms and fire energy blasts. Thors use of the hammer is what makes him the cleanup hitter, fiercely welding it wherever he goes, doing literally whatever he pleases with it. Naturally, jacking bombs and mashing pitchers comes with ease.This of course makes him the obvious and #1 choice for cleanup hitter.
Five Spot, Catcher, Captain America
The living legend of WWII and American to the bone, Captain America is a veteran and leader who is the unquestioned go-to player on the team; and naturally, the captain. Rockin' the C like no other, Cap' calls a great game and always comes through in the clutch. Although he may not be as powerful as some of the other players, he's still an Olympic-level martial artist and gymnast who is resistant to fatigue and disease (god I want some Super Soldier Serum) that makes his physical presence known.
Six Spot, Center Field, Silver Surfer
Navigating the galaxy at faster than light speeds, riding his virtually indestructible board, Surfer makes roaming the outfield look like walking around in a closet. One of the most powerful beings on the planet, Surfer can channel cosmic energy to augment strength, heat others and restructure matter. Although sometimes a team cancer due to his inability to feel emotion or listen to anyone other than Galactus, Surfer is coming around with the help of Xavier and Captain America.
Seven Hitter, Right Field, Blade
Half Vampire, Blade AKA "The Daywalker" welds swords to fight vampires which makes him experienced with hitting things. His enhanced speed, strength, senses and overall cool demeanor make Blade not only a badass, but a great baseball player. Right field porch field level has section of women who call themselves "Blades Babes", wearing vampire costumes to each game, begging the sly vampire hunter to "slay" them after games are over.
Eight Spot, DH, Gambit
Remy LeBeau AKA The Ragin' Cajun AKA Gambit has the ability to charge objects with energy. When impacted, said object explodes. Said objects are often balls jacked out of cities, sometimes states when Gambit charges up his handy dandy cane. A professional thief and adventurer, Gambit is often fighting with other players, but at the end of the day its all just southern tough love, as the other players understand Gambit never had parents or a positive upbringing.
Nine Spot, First Base, Mr. Fantastic
A fantastic bad-ball hitter along the likes of Vlad, Mr. Fantastic rarely strikes out. His ability to stretch his entire body makes him an obvious choice for first base. His brilliance and sharp leadership allow Mr. Fantastic to slip in as leader from time to time when Captain America is at Congress trying to explain to the idiots in Congress that Obama isn't actually a communist.
Starting Pitcher, John Lannan
LONG BEACH STAND UP! Future 143 time Cy Young Winner John Lannan is the unquestioned Ace of the staff and overall freak of nature.
Starting Pitcher, Bullseye
Bullseye can use any object and throw it with deadly aim and precision which makes him a natural to pitch. Striking out 27 batters is no tall feat for Bullseye who clocks in at 103 on the gun. Once made Tim Lincecum cry.
Starting Pitcher, Doctor Strange
Master of dark arts and magic, Strange has taken on many nicknames during his career. "Doc 2.0", "The Good Docta'" and "The Supreme Sorcerer of Earths Dimension" are most popular. Putting the ball where he wants and often blinding/killing/levitating opponents, Strange is the fiery starting pitcher that every staff needs. Pump up music? "Strange Brew" by Cream, of course.
Starting Pitcher, Green Goblin
Experienced in throwing his pumpkin bombs with deadly precision, Green Goblin was a natural fireballer (no pun intended), hitting the clocks at 104 until he was sidelined with Tommy John surgery. He has been awful the past couple of seasons and as of late and is becoming a club cancer. Spiderman's greatest foe, Goblin and Spidey are often seen bickering over the unfortunate incident in which Green Goblin murdered Spiderman's true love, Gwen Stacey.
*UPDATE* Green Goblin has been released by the club. "He threatened to murder everyone's wife and kids, I just don't know if that's appropriate for this team. We're trying to win a World Series here. We wish Goblin luck in his future endeavors" says GM Bruce Wayne/Batman.
"Fuck Batman" says Goblin, who signed a 19 year/$405 million dollar deal with the New York Mets 15 minutes after his release.
"We look forward to the wonderful acquisition and can't wait to bring a World Series to New York. We feel that the Goblin is a part of the city and a part of our winning team" says Mets GM Omar Minaya who received a 5 year extension after the signing.
Starting Pitcher, Storm
With the ability to manipulate weather, Storm hurls balls with gusts of wind at speeds nearing 434 mph. One of three females on the team, Storm brings a unique presence to the squad. Often summons hurricanes and violent lightning to cancel games when the team feels like taking a day off to have pizza parties.
Starting Pitcher, Cyclops
Deputy leader of the X-Men, Scott Summers AKA Cyclops wears a Ruby Quartz visor shield which allows him to hone optic blasts(and balls) with pin point control.
Closer, Johnny Storm AKA Human Torch
Fire of the two headed closing monster that is "Fire and Ice", ladies and gentlemen, "Hot Stuff Johnny". Able to cover his body with fiery plasma and take flight, this cocky, brash young fellow is the perfect fit for closer. His charm, wit and good looks make Storm a great teammate and is often seen with up to 46 women at a time. Storm and Flash are often seen together committing arson for fun (Just kidding, folks).
"Ice" of "Fire and Ice". With ice running through his veins (literally), the fearless Long Island Native (!) can manipulate temperatures around him to freeze water vapor in the air. Creating weapons (and baseballs) out of ice, Iceman clocks in big numbers and stays quiet, reserved and humble; quite the opposite of his old buddy Johnny Storm.
Pinch Runner, Nightcrawler
With the ability to teleport himself, Nightcrawler is the obvious choice for pinch runner and a great defensive replacement.
Able to absorb memories, knowledge, talents and abilities of others through physical contact, Rogue takes the field to whatever Xavier needs her to be; all she does is touches another hero...but not for too long of course. Gambits girlfriend, the two can be seen fighting constantly.
All around gamer, Wolverine does what is necessary to when the game...even if it means impale the opposition with his adamantium claws. A fan favorite, Wolverine gets the job done right.
Endy Chavez, Hero
I miss you and love you, Endy.