Jason Taylor Dishes on His Miami Dolphin Boycott

Smarty Pants

Senior Writer Written on May 21, 2008

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"The Real World?"

"Old."

"A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila?

"Not gay enough."

"Survivor?"

"Well, yeah, that'd work, actually—"

"—But I could get dirty and it could be dangerous..."

"Dude, you played in the NFL..."

This was exasperating! Then I had a thought.

"Well...what about So You Think You Can Dance?"

"I'm danced out, Kev."

"America's Got Talent?"

"I think it starts in June. No more auditions."

"Last Comic Standing?"

"I'm not that funny, Fraze."

"Yeah, you're right. You're not that funny."

"Hey, watch it, Chemical Peel."

"Just keepin' it real, man. Just keepin' it real."

Taylor then ordered a Tab, popped the top and took a sip.

"Maybe I should just go back to Miami."

"Why don't you just audition for a Mr. Clean commercial? You know, start small."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

We just kind of awkwardly sat there for a couple minutes, Taylor drinking his Tab while I borrowed his compact and proceeded to run my fingers over my face, acting like it stung.

Finally, I broke the silence.

"Jason, you're an All-Pro. I know you'd like a Super Bowl ring and all—that really makes a lot of sense to me—but what's your real beef with Parcells?"

Taylor sighed and then confessed.

"Because it's Miami and it's warm all year. I can't watch that man walk around in the Miami heat wearing those polos and short sleeve henleys he loves do much."

"I just can't see him jiggling around—you know, top shelf—during two-a-days. It's hard enough not to hurl between the drills and the heat."

"Maybe he needs some support," I said.

"You mean, maybe I shouldn't be such a jerk?"

"No, I mean maybe he needs to wear a 'Bro.'"

"I thought it was called a 'Manziere.'"

"Whatever, Jason. Hey, good luck with your boycott. Maybe you'll get traded. Sounds like you've really thought this out."

"Thanks, Kev. See ya around."

As I was leaving, Taylor was racking his brain for one more brazen idea.

"I wonder if that guy from Deal or No Deal likes his job..."

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written on May 21, 2008 Humor

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