The Top Twenty things Auburn fans don't want to hear when their Tigers take on Louisiana Tech in the season opener:
1) "Tony Franklin, please come to the information booth on the West Concourse, you have an urgent call from Gus Malzhan."
2) "Why are the linemen popping up and down like deranged meerkats?"
3) "False start, No. 73 offense. Five yard penalty, replay the down."
4) "The injured player for Auburn is No. (insert any player here)."
5) "Man, that Chris Todd looks just as good as he did last year!"
6) "Why aren't we starting Kodi Burns? He can make plays with his feet."
7) "Don't worry about the offense, it will come together. They were just playing things close to the vest. Keeping it vanilla. You can't show the whole playbook in the first game."
8) "Hit those lines like good ole canines! Break through for a touchdown or two! Hold up your chin and let's all go in to win for the red and blue!"
9) "We'll learn from this. We'll pick ourselves up, go back to work and be better men for it."
10) "It's a process, it's going to take time. Rome wasn't build in a day."
11) "Wow, that Dooley guy is a heck of a coach."
12) "Now entering the game at quarterback for the Auburn Tigers, freshman Tyrick Rollison."
13) "It's not the end of the world, no reason to panic. We can still win the SEC!"
14) "Tate carries at right end, loss of two yards. Tate carries at left end, loss of three. Todd sacked for a loss of seven. Clinton Durst on to punt..."
15) "We've got to get the defense off the field. They're going to get worn out if we can't move the chains."
16) "The offense/defense played well enough to win."
17) "The numbers would be a lot better if the receivers could hang on to the ball."
18) "Louisiana Tech is a fine football program. They won't be sneaking up on anybody any more. They're going to beat a lot of people before the year's out."
19) "I bet their cheerleaders get tired of doing push ups."
20) "Dad, what are we going to do with all this toilet paper? Can't we throw it anyway?"