Revitalizing the Food in Ballparks

How cliché is it to go to a ballpark, and spend a few precious dollars on a “dog” in order to satisfy those developing afternoon taste buds?

It’s a silly phenomenon that has captured the hearts of many Americans; and proceeded to destroy those hearts in the name of good health.

You see, Americans are tired of the nonchalant menu options that ballparks possess. We are looking for heartier, more unique options than that of a kid's menu at Applebee's—or any other amateur dining venue.

Hell, I could look in my trash-can and find healthier options than those of an alleged "snack-bar."

So for my 50th article here on Bleacher Report, I am not going to look back, (as so many have), but rather look pathetically at the failed food choices that ballparks contain; (and what trendy, new food items we can inject into them).

And with that I say: “Let the stimulating of the saliva begin!”

The "Cheesburger in a can"

Don't be fooled by this familiar fetish. It may seem like a cheeseburger to you, but little do you know the magic that goes into one of these puppies. Or would that be cows?

Each of these delectable treats are hand-crafted with the three essential ingredients of a winner: Love, Respect, and concentrated calories. In addition, the heavenly aroma is sealed tight in one of those old, recycled spam cans.

And at only $1 and 1,000 calories per serving size*, these beautiful burgers provide an excellent solution for that mounting 7th-inning hunger.

*Serving Size one bite

The "Family Platter"

What better way to bond with your loved ones than by simultaneously delving into these lunchroom inspired meals?

With the legendary "Taco Tub" for the kids, the robust "Ham and Cheese Pita" for Daddy, the bland "Chicken Fryz" for Mother, and the underrated "Italian-Dunkers" for whoever is still hungry—and not sick—you're sure to endure a smiley, stomach-filled game!

Just be sure to set the family doc on speed-dial prior to consumption, (for your own safety).

Priced right at $19.99

The "What the hell is that?"

Look at this...and then look closer. Now take out your binoculars and peer further yet.

What do you see? If you can't answer, you're a smart man.

That's because this crumpled up lump is an unknown entity to the culinary world.

Rumor has it that it's comprised of 50 percent chicken, 40 percent fish tail and 10 percent grass, but again, that's just folklore.

If you're the adventurous type who doesn't mind plugging a nose and closing the eyes while taking a bite, then indulge yourself in this mysterious mega-meal. But don’t cry when it meets you again—10 minutes after consumption.

Price may vary from one ballpark to another.

The "Bean Delight"

Beans have long been known as the "magical fruit that makes ya toot," but forgotten in the motto are the magical nutrients found in these that make a fan stay alive for the whole game—even if you’re watching the Nationals.

The "Bean Delight," is a newly renovated dish that has appeased the most elite chefs worldwide. It's mushy goodness, coupled with it's tangy chunks will leave you appeased as well—if you stack up on Tums prior to devouring.

However, this prodigious dish is probably far better when you're many kilometers away from civilization on top of some mountain, rather than next to a few raucous fans.

Moderately priced at $5.99

The "Fine Swine"

What happens to be the author's favorite on the list, the "Fine Swine" is sure to become a go-to food splurge for fans nationwide!

Despite the name, this atrociously appetizing culinary miracle contains no hint of the flu. In fact, all that you'll be hinting at is a call for seconds!

Saturated with a rich, rubbery taste, you'll be able to continuously chew—and subsequently spit—just like the pros do, (with sunflower seeds mind you).

This one is a taste for the ages and can be yours for only $0.99 cents, (plus $4.99 in special fees).