Dear Awesome Eldin™: El Presidente Edition Replied By Cool D™
As everyone knows, Awesome Eldin™ is the one who celebrities write to for help, but unfortunately his Peacey (PC) died, so he is not available physically and emotionally (the guy has issues, what can I say) to answer their problems, many letters have been lining up. So he said to me, "Cool D™, you answer some mail for me!"
I am after all, a Community Leader, how could I say no to anyone in need, so I sat down, and scourged through millions of mails (mostly from Rafa and Sir Red Nose) and chose to answer El Presidente—Florentino Perez's letter, for some reasons unexplained.
The awesome™ one usually shows the message sent to him, so I have to comply with all his rules.
Dear Awesome Eldin™,
I had been meaning to write to you for a couple of days now, but I have been busy reconstructing the team, you might have read about it in the papers.
Mr. Awesome™, I need help. I don't understand why, but I like FIFA World Player(s) and Baloon d'Or winners who look good, and slick. They say I JUST buy pretty players!
They say I want to sell T-shirts and tickets to the game; I ask, who doesn't? Name one team who wants their stadium empty, and their store room full of jerseys (which are changed every year)?
People think that, that is my sole motto, but it's not, We want some of the trophies too, our Catalan rivals have them all, they don't want to share; this was the only way I saw fit to bring home at least one.
Mr. Awesome™, I know I was foolish to sack Vicente Del Bosque, selling Redondo, Heirro, and not offering a pay-raise to Makelele, and have accepted that, but people still think that I do not love good managers, Canteranos or defensive players.
I do not understand, I was told that Xabi Alonso plays as a deep lying midfielder, and Arbeloa and Albiol are defenders. I think that I should have checked a copy of FIFA 09 or FIFA Manager first, which people keep referring to, when they talk about my signings these days.
I am also accused of not buying enough defenders but if my counting is correct we already have plenty of quality defenders.
People are also saying, and I quote, "The Galactico Pimp's signings won't be able to play together, their ego will get in the way, he's an idiot!"
I have been watching the preseason matches and the team looks good to me, but as people say, "What do I know football?" Please help.
Florentino Perez—El Presedente, Real Madrid
Note: Please take one minute silence for Awesome Eldin™'s Peacey.
Dear El Presidente,
I am sure you were expecting a reply from Mr. Awesome™, but I am sorry to inform you that Mr. Awesome™'s Peacey died a few days ago and since then he hasn't been emotionally or physically fit to answer the millions of mail in his mail room, so I—Cool D™ am covering for him, and I will try to answer just like him with all his trademarked words and try to stay as objective and level-headed as possible..just like him.
First of all, ahem...OH MAN, YOU ARE AWESOME™! I LOVE REAL MADRID. PLEASE SEND ME SEASON TICKETS TO SANTIAGO BERNEBAU FOR THE FRONT SEAT.
Ahem. Uhh...yeah, so...great reconstruction. Calderon had made the team look like it came out of the Dutch Eredivisie, now at least it looks Spanish.
You have given all Real Madrid fans hope, the new team with the kid-faced Kaka and the frog-faced Ronaldive™ is awesome™. And this time you will beat our rivals Catelooneytunes™.
Wise decision of bringing back Granero, I wonder who else would have thought that El Pirata will run havoc whenever he is played. So make sure Mr. Pellegrini gives him enough matches.
Sorry, I got carried away....Now, back to the letter.
No, Mr. Perez, there are no teams who want their stadium empty and their store-room full, nada, If someone else says that, you make sure to ask those people too.
As far as hating good managers goes, you can prove them wrong by kissing Mr. Pellegrini in public.....that might shut people up.....Wait! I remember, Mr. Awesome™ told me it doesn't work, as he has tried it on Le Professor.
So what might work is, you give him a contract extension when things are going good.
As far as loving Canteranos and defenders, you have already bought enough of them. Just one more thing is remaining on the Canterano front, make sure that Mata doesn't leave for Catalooneytune™, and comes back home.
And it's good that you have accepted your mistakes, and are working to avoid any mistakes this time, but I don't know when that will go through the thick skulls of haters, can't tell you more than that.
You have NEVER played FIFA? You've gotta be kidding me, I was under the impression you bought the players with the most stats! Anyways, yes they are defensive minded signings, you have not been Punk'd!
You have actually made a good team which is working well together without the "knowledge of football"—as many say, which is capable of winning stuff, and Kaka and Cristiano are actually turning out to be best-buds off and on the field.
Awesome™ work, you have done. Mrs. Snuffles will be proud of you. (Refer to Awesome Eldin™'s bio for more about Mrs. Snuffles).
Hala Madrid, El Presidente
Yours Faithfully—Trophy or Not
Note: Eldin, Awesome Eldin, Catalooneytune, Ronaldive and Awesome are all trademarks of Mohamed Eldin Masri, and Cool and Cool D belong to Deepak Israni any illegal use of these words will result in a law suit followed by endless punching in the nuts.
You have been warned.
R.I.P Peacey (2005-2009)
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