Wow! What a whirlwind of activity the last two weeks have been. A questionable signing, questionable behavior, and a questionable retirement have conspired to form a perfect storm of NFL lunacy.
First, Vick signed a two-year deal with the Eagles, making him the highest-paid, ex-highest paid quarterback in football. Clearly, it was in Vick's best interest to sign with a team represented by an animal mascot. While PETA didn't condone Vick's signing, they did verify Vick's assertion that "flipping the bird" causes no pain to animals.
Then Raiders coach Tom "The Bay Area Bomber" Cable reportedly punched assistant coach Randy Hanson, an allegation that, if proven to be true, would be the first instance of accuracy of anything thrown by a Raider in the last five years.
Finally, Brett Favre trumped the magnitude of those stories by signing with the Vikings, just weeks after indicating he would stay retired. Apparently, Favre's word is as good as a Magic 8-Ball's.
Favre further alienated Packer fans by stating that "true Packer fans" would understand his motivations and machinations. Fans responded that a "true Packer" would understand why he's now an outcast in Green Bay.
Not that anyone should feel sorry for Favre. Should football not work out, again, he's got that acting career to fall back on. Hollywood insiders are whispering that Favre's in line to star in the next Batman movie, playing Batman's villainous arch-nemesis, "The Waffler."
So, where does that leave each team? Besides with less credibility? Well, for one, it leaves them open to ridicule from fans and public address systems of opposing teams. So, Vick, Favre, and the Raiders can expect to hear it loud and clear when they travel to some of the more hostile locales on their 2009 schedule.
When the Eagles travel to FedEx Field on October 26th to face the Redskins, you can best believe the speakers will be blaring ABBA's "Take a Chance on Me," with Elvis Presley's "Don't Be Cruel" sure to follow.
Not only will the "Hogs" be represented in Washington, so will the "Dogs," as Vick will certainly be teased with animated barks and cat calls.
And of course, you know some clever fan in Oakland's Black Hole, where the Eagles face the Raiders in Week 6, will display a poster of a dog staring down Vick, with the words "Fido vs. Phi-Do."
In the case of the Raiders, Cable's punch is pure overkill. Obviously, there's already enough material of which to ridicule the organization without coaches duking it out in a hotel room. Actually, Cable's punch is decades too late; someone should have KO'ed Al Davis long ago.
As would be expected, Cable has refused to comment, or even acknowledge, the incident. Of course that's no surprise, because the first rule of "Fight Club" is "you do not talk about Fight Club."
Anyway, Oakland's first away game on the slate takes them to Arrowhead Stadium, home of division rival Kansas City and their vocal fans. There, you can expect to hear Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" or LL Cool J's "Momma Said Knock You Out."
And since Cable slugged a coach named "Hanson," wouldn't Hanson's "MmmBop" be an extremely fitting tune?
Minnesota opens the season in Cleveland Stadium, home of the Dawg Pound, where fans, upset at not getting a chance to rail on Michael Vick, will apply all their energy towards welcoming Brett Favre.
Cleveland fans have been known to toss foreign objects at opposing players, so Favre can expect to dodge a fair share of batteries, dog bones, beverages, and, in Favre's case, probably the most apropos projectiles in NFL history, yo-yos. All of this as the Beatles "Let it Be" sets the mood from the PA system.
And it won't get any easier for Favre when the Vikes head to Lambeau Field on November 1st. There, if Favre is, in fact, still playing, he can do so while the Packer faithful get a sarcastic kick from the sounds of the Captain and Tennile's "Do That to Me One More Time."
And to really get under Favre's skin, Metallica's "Unforgiven," "Cheap Trick's "I Want You to Want Me," and U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" would really have the former Packer second-guessing himself. And Tupac Shakur's "I Get Around" couldn't make him feel any better.
For those Packer fans still a little uneasy about criticizing the iconic Favre, Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me" would point them in the right direction.
Finally, in the closing number, which would surely have all of Lambeau singing along, the speakers could blast Motley Crue's "Shout at the Devil."