I got a call close to midnight last night. I scurried to the phone still trying to re-route myself back from slumber land.
The voice on the other end was desperate and drunk. I cleared my eyes and tried to listen. Words are not comprehended as quickly when a foreign accent is involved.
Novak D.: Hello, is this Robert Orzechowski?
Robert O: Yes, who is this and do you realize what time you are calling?
Novak D: Robert, I am a tennis player and I am in need of your assistance.
Robert O: Look, I am not buying anything, especially from Eastern Europe. Do you telemarketers realize what time it is here in Canada?
Novak D: Robert, this is Novak Djokovic.
Robert O: Novak Djokovic? This is a prank right? Why the hell would Novak Djokovic be calling me of all people?
Novak D: I have read your articles and you are almost the last writer that writes about me, anywhere!
Robert O: I hope you have not read my articles about you or this could be a tad embarrassing.
Novak D: No worries. I make fun of Nadal. You make fun of me. Roger makes fun of you and on it goes.
Robert O: Wait a minute...Roger makes fun of me?
Novak D: That is not important now. I need you to write an article saying that I am back.
Robert O: But you aren't back.
Novak D: Yes, I am.
Robert O: Uh, no you are not.
Novak D: Yes, I am back.
Robert O: Wait a minute. Do you mean that you are back on tour?
Novak D: No, I mean back in form.
Robert O: Oh I see...of course. In that case, no, you are not.
Novak D: Yes, I am.
Robert O: Look, you obviously have not had the same results as in 2008. You lost your No. 3 ranking, you don't do impersonations anymore, you have gone all serious, you changed your racket. How exactly are you back?
Novak D: You know, I phoned Rob York and he did not give me this much trouble.
Robert O: Really, you phoned Rob York before you called here?
Novak D: Yes.
Robert O: And he did not give you the trouble that I am giving you?
Novak D: No, he hung up on me.
Robert O: Smart guy.
Novak D: Please Robert, I am begging you. I will give you exclusive interviews when I win my next slam.
Robert O: Yeah, right. What is it exactly I should be writing about?
Novak: I want you to write about the Novak Djokovic who bares it all after a tennis match.
Robert O: Actually, I already did a humor piece about you doing a Playgirl spread.
Novak D: No, I want a serious piece about me.
Robert O: Serious piece? You do realize that I am a humor writer!
Novak D: LJ Silver was right about you. You are a...how do you say...a one-trick horse.
Robert O: You called LJ Silver too?
Novak D: Yes, but he could not help me unless I got him a Lleyton Hewitt interview and well, I don't like Hewitt that much to do it. So can you help me?
Robert O: Well, let me see. If I think really hard about this and this should be a no-brainer, I would definitely, positively have to say no.
Novak D: (checking his book) OK, thank you...now I have to call JA Allen. Goodbye!
Robert O: Hey, wait a minute. How does Roger make fun of me?
Robert O: I am going to pound the right side of my brain if this is a dream.