Cubs Fans: A Drain On America

Aaron HooksCorrespondent IAugust 19, 2009

Cubs fans are horrible, horrible people that shake babies and wear Ron Mexico jerseys, not because they sympathize with dog killers, but because they sympathize with dogfighters that carry STD’s.

Now that we’ve established that, we can continue down the path of become best buddies.

Truth is, Bleacher Report makes you post an introductory column so your profile and back end crap can work on the site. A baptism by fire if you will. And frankly, the day after having the outgoing fifth starter getting thrashed by the Dodgers ‘recap column’ they were probably expecting isn’t going to happen. You don’t know us that well. We need to establish some common ground first. That common ground is a loathing for that dim witted animal we call Cub Fan.

Cub Fan has always been an amusing species. Inhabiting the north side of Chicago for almost 130 years, this creature has been a genetic anomaly… actually devolving over the course of the 1900’s into a sub-organism akin to a bald ape. They chase after foul balls in the playoffs, they dump beer on outfielders, they dive through urinal troughs for minimal amounts of money.

They are a drain on the economy. The economy of mankind.

Someone very smart once said: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” 101 years have passed since the Chicago Cubs have won a World Series. In that span, the St. Louis Cardinals have hoisted the Commissioner’s Trophy a whopping 11 times.

Yet Cub Fan still has a false sense of bravado that can only be described as genuine insanity. What gives them this hope? What spurns on ticket sales to see failure? Who the F are these people?

Losers. That’s who. Cub’s fans are losers. In the game of baseball and the game of life. Go ask your boss who he roots for. He won’t say “The Cubs” because those people are out stealing your grandmother’s purse or preparing your double Whopper for lunch. They aren’t winners.

And the few that do rise to prominence are eventually exposed as shifty frauds, losers in a wolf’s clothes. (See: Blagojevich, Rod.) Quite frankly, the simple fact that hope can preside over a fan base that hasn’t done jack squat for over a century is a testament to underachievement. The ultimate slacker idol.

Cubs = Loser. The formula isn’t complicated. It isn’t hard to understand.

But you know all of this already. You’re reading a Cardinal section on this little blog of ours right now and I have to believe that you didn’t come here to get your jolly’s off, that’s what RedTube is for. But if I came right out and said: “Hey, I’m Aaron Hooks, I worked for Baseball Digest and InsideSTL and… I’m a Cards guy and I’m here to write!” You would have never read this far down the post.

You also would have called me gay. But now that we’ve established the fact that I am a card-carrying Cubs hater, I think we’re starting to bond. To become buds, like I said.

I like that.

Oh, and just in case you’re wondering… the Cardinals organization hates me for a reason. They don’t get off the hook easy, either.

o if you’re a Cubs fan OR riding around in Bill DeWitt’s jock, this might not be the space for you.

Until next time.