With the growing anticipation around Jay Cutler to bring the Chicago Bears back to the playoffs since their Super Bowl run in 2006 and the continuing success of rookie Gordon Beckham, Chicago has decided to start scouting talent based on hair.
Chicago blames the recent actions of Patrick Kane, and the dip in numbers of Geovany Soto and Alexei Ramirez, to the fact they do not comb their hair forward and to the side. Jonathan Toews was excused from mandatory hair-combing due to the fact he seems to already be balding.
Matt Forte refused any changing of his hair stating it wasn't his "style" even though reporters and advertising representatives begged him to say "fortay."
Gavin Floyd was angered by the fact he originated the talented look in Chicago, but has received no press for it. Ozzie Guillen swore to and about that claim while talking to reporters, none of which were able to quote him.
Kenny Williams said, "As long as they don't dye it some ridiculous bright blonde then they're fine in my book," while staring a hole through A.J. Pierzynski.
The Bears have already begun re-watching seasons of "Two-A-Days" to try to find another fully-haired forehead.
Jim Hendry said picking players based on hairstyle is ridiculous and that he'd continue to pick them based on lack of talent.