Takin' a T/O with BT: Ten Ways to Talk Sports at the Prom

7. Take lots of pictures.

Alright, now at first you may think that this sounds girly, and that it has nothing to do with talking sports—but really, if it were that unrelated, why would I tell you?

Despite the fact that “taking loads and loads of pictures” sounds extremely feminine (it plays into the “this is my moment” psyche we talked about earlier), it works perfectly in the favor of the guys.

Here’s a scenario for you: Your date, and all six of her friends want an “all girls” photo so that they can remember each other forever. Because of this, who gets stuck holding the camera? You, my friend.

The great news is that you’re not alone. If there are multiple girls in this photo, chances are that each of them has a camera (due to the fact that, again, “this is their moment”). If there are multiple girls with multiple cameras, then chances are there are multiple dates (or at least one other one).

While the girls get set up for their photo and decide what faces to make, or what way to wear their hair, or whatever quirky thing they want featured in their photo, that offers you a chance to get some sports talk in with the guys while being within eyeshot of your gal at all times.

What’s more, is that even if she can hear you, she won’t mind it because you’re doing her a favor and she’ll also be happy that you’re getting along with the other girls' dates.

Strangely enough however, this is a situation where smaller numbers can work in your favor. Let’s face it, one picture takes long enough to take, but say that, out of the six girls, only two of them brought dates—that leaves three pictures for each of you, and a more streamlined conversation.

Not a bad trade-off I must say.

8. Roll with the punches.

Whatever happens over the course of the night, just go with it. I’m not even going to say “if she looks beautiful tell her she’s beautiful” because that’s a given—if you’re going somewhere in public with her, chances are you’re attracted to her, and frankly if you don’t know enough to tell a girl she looks beautiful on the day of her prom—well, you’re reading the wrong article buddy.

Aside from that, if you’re driving her to the venue, then let her choose the radio station/music in the car (by God, whatever you do, don’t make her sit through sports unless she wants to), and (even if you don’t get along with them normally) make an effort to be cordial to her family—talk to them, let them take their photos, and be the guy her parents always wanted her to bring home.

If you’ve done all of that, then chances are you’ve bought yourself a little bit of a “get out of jail free” card if she catches you with the guys while you’re all talking about the latest games, scores, trades, or firings.

The main thing with this is that it only works for a short period of time—kind of like the “there’s only two minutes left in the game honey, I swear” card, you have to place this one wisely and use it effectively.

9. Take one for the team.

If you’re up at the front of the room, or at another table talking with your buddies before the festivities begin, and she’s calling you over, don’t use the “Two seconds, I’m just talking about the latest game with the guys” routine.

First of all, you’ve ruined your chances of being invited back for more sports talk later with this group, because you’ve just become “that guy who’ll sell the group out for no good reason,” and you don’t want to be that guy.

Second of all, if you just smile, nod, and go to her without trying to reason your way out of it, then two things happen:

1) All of a sudden she’s happy because you’ve become agreeable, and as far as she knows, you’re more than happy to sit with her the entire night. You, on the other hand, know differently and then you’re set up for the rest of the night because, as we’ve established, you can get away with a whole lot more when she’s happy.

And

2) Because you’re the guy who “bit the bullet” and didn’t sell out the rest of the group. Whether you’re a newly introduced accomplice or an old friend, you’ll be welcomed back into the group because of it. Where a lesser man who gave away the group's strategy would perish, you (being the one who went down for the greater good) remain a part of the group, even in your absence because none of this would be happening without you

10. Not the place for your lucky sports gear.

Now, why you’re looking for luck at your prom is none of my business, and it’s probably best if you don’t tell me either. Really, I could care less if you and the head cheerleader did the "no-pants dance" (I’ll high-five you after the fact, but please, spare me all the gory details), but if that’s what you want this prom season, you’ll have to do it without your lucky shorts.

That’s right, whether it’s lucky shoes, shorts, gloves, socks, a pre-game meal (If this is the case, can someone explain to me why you’re eating pre-Prom? I get that the food sucks but, if this is anything like Canada, you’ve already paid $60 for the ticket, so instead of filling up beforehand on chicken and pasta, settle for the Hamburger Helper and Pillsbury Crescent Rolls you get at prom), you've got to ditch the "luck factor" and just trust yourself.

Needless to say, if it is a favorite article of clothing, then don’t wear it. Your teammates put up with it on the bench because we all stink during sports, but if you do get lucky enough to take the head cheerleader to the prom, have a little bit of sense to not drive her away with the stink.

As Crash Davis says: “Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the Bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you are a slob.”

Sorry, but I don’t think you’ve won twenty in the show, meat.

So there you have it. I’ve given you as much help as I possibly can to get away with talking a little bit of sports at your prom. Who knows, maybe these tips can be transferred to other weird, estrogen-driven events like weddings, baby showers, and christenings.

On second thought, it’s probably better if we just take these things one at a time.

Oh, one more piece of advice: Don’t let her see this article. If you do, you’ve just doomed a whole lot of guys because, believe it or not, every single woman knows each other.

That, and you may become harder to find than the positive results of Barry Bonds’ urine tests.

As Ryan Alberti would say, I’m “just saying is all.”

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