10 things I wish I'd hear on football weekends

But announcers are too weak to sack up and say them.

Eddie Shore realized something while trying to hook up my computer to my 60inch plasma to watch the Erin Andrews video:
FIRST: I need to hit ‘The Shack’ for more cables (ps: way to keep the cheap half of the name Radio Shack)
SECOND: I think EA has jumped the shark. Eddie Shore is now smitten with Michelle Beadle (despite her awful SportsNation show) and NASCAR Now’s Nicole Manske.
Then again, I wouldn’t kick Erin Andrews out of bed for walking around her hotel room naked.

Eddie Shore also realized that he’s so geeked for football to start, that he’s actually DVR’ing NFL live. Can you really have too much Trey Wingo? (actual answer: yes)

And it got Eddie to thinking, not only is football coming back, and gambling, and fantasy leagues, but so is the announcing. Which on whole is average. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s just that seriously who watches games for the announcers? No one. I would however if they threw me a bone with some actual analysis that mattered.

So I give you, 10 things I wish I’d hear from these media slaps.

‘God this team sucks balls’
Seriously, just once, drop it on us. We fans aren’t dumb. We can see the Lions blow. We understand Temple is anemic. Just say it. ‘Bob what does Iowa State have to do today to pull an upset?’ ‘Are you shitting me? They suck. They have zero chance of anything after the coin toss’. That would rock.

‘What was the spread?’
Newsflash to networks. You’re not being moral when you won’t ever, EVER, say anything about the spread, but you’ll load up the ticker with fantasy stats. You’re being hypocritical. EVERYONE gambles. That’s why football is king. Stop ignoring, and instead embrace the inner degenerate.

‘He’s so not worth what he gets paid’
I’d love to have guys say this in the pros, but it would be especially funny in college. Yeah, I’m talking to you Miami. I don’t begrudge it. I just want to hear these guys mention it.

‘Collinsworth, have a glass of shut the f*** up’
Dear No. 2 pencil, thanks for being a role model for my looks, signed Cris Collinsworth’s neck to head.

A lot of people annoy Eddie Shore, but few with the consistency of CC. Quick quiz: Will CC next say something obvious or stupid? Trick question: both.

(ADDENDUM: Equally happy if you replaced ‘Collinsworth’ with ‘Costas’ (Bob, don’t you have an Olympic cabin to prep for?))

‘That injury was---awesome!’
Sure, I’m the devil for enjoying the misery of others. Right. That’s why they show replays over and over and over and over. Cuz I’m the only one. Me and the 18 million downloads of Thiesman’s leg snap may have an argument with you.

‘That coach/player is retarded’
Sure it’s not PC. But it’s also not as horrific as everyone thinks it is. Break it down without the emotion. Retarded means slow. It means decision making is not up to par. It means there’s a disability. So if your coach goes for a fake punt in the 1st quarter and ruins your team’s chances. Or Brett Favre throws a horrid pick, what will you say: ‘That was a poor decision, he’s too slow mentally, or he has a shortcoming’. Hello, be efficient: ‘What the f*** was he doing throwing into triple coverage, that guy is retarded’. You’re welcome for the 10 seconds I saved you.

‘I don’t miss Madden’
This year, prepare for the onslaught of John Madden love. ES loves Madden football. Dude was a great coach. And if I ever want cardiac arrest, trust me, I’m putting turducken on the short list of things I’ll want to eat. But I don’t need to hear how great he was at ‘calling games’. Keith Jackson was a stud. He also didn’t talk non-stop and blather for 60 minutes. You can still have credibility as an analyst if you don’t’ kiss the Madden ring. Please, someone, Ron Jaworski, just say ‘I don’t miss Madden’. You’ll be my new favorite color man.

‘I’d tag her’
I believe drunk Joe Namath said it best when he said, ‘Suzie Kolber, (something indecipherable)’. LOVE that. Let’s get more of that in the booth. Throw it down to Bonnie Bernstein, let’s go back to the booth and hear those guys say ‘Thanks Bonnie, I’d tag her folks’. Come back from commercial with the obligatory crotch shot up a cheerleader’s skirt, have Andre Ware comment on the coed with an ‘I’d tag her’. It’s not me, the networks are throwing the eye candy on us. Let’s at least acknowledge it.

‘Don’t bother watching the halftime show’
Nothing worse than the Orange Bowl crapfest. Nothing more fake then the zips in the booth teeing up the halftime show with Boomer and Sharpe. Memo to networks, we have Direct TV and the internet. We already know the scores and fantasy stats. At halftime, we’re going out to get more beer. I’d love to have the announcers admit that. ‘Great 1st half folks, see you in 30, but don’t bother watching the halftime, it’s a complete waste of time’. That would be refreshing. And honest.

‘Can we get some beers in here?’
Eddie Shore knows 2 things go with football. Gambling and drinking. You tailgate before. You booze at the sports bar or in the bleachers. Why not have the guys talking about the game, experiencing the game like the people they’re talking to. ‘Al, any thoughts on the Monday Night game?’. ‘Sure, as soon as I get the beer guy. I’m down two dead soldiers, and they were truckdriver cold’.

Make it happen NFL.

Did I forget any? Ping me at [e-mail]. Rick Reilly heckles encouraged.

For more Eddie Shore, check out http://www.dbbsports.com/ (breaking balls every day).