Jock Schlock Rock: The 10 Worst Albums Made by Athletes
The guys at theDirty.com—filling your athletes partying with co-eds photo needs since 2006—recently leaked a music demo San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito had been shopping around to labels in an effort to get a record deal.
Here, take a listen for yourself.
Hoo boy. You can just feel...feel...feel...feel his heat.
As Simon Cowell himself might say, "Dreadful, Barry. You're like someone doing a bad impersonation of bad John Mayer karaoke. You should sue your voice coach (but be sure to keep that agent)."
The "hit" single has been spreading like wildfire in baseball clubhouses throughout America, for all the wrong reasons.
That got me to thinking: what is the worst music ever produced by an athlete so self-deluded that he or she thought it was actually a good career move?
No one has tackled the awful results when athletes decide to produce a full-length album, though.
I humbly accept the duty of parsing through the worst music collections athletes have ever committed to audio and am not so proud to present my results.
As Mayer himself once sang, girls become lovers who turn into mothers.
And, as you'll see in this slideshow, athletes become rockers who turn into self-mockers. So, fans, be good to your ears and avoid these albums.
10. Free Reign, Unreleased
As their MySpace page proclaims, "You've Watched the Dallas Cowboys Tear Up the Field, Now Watch Them Tear Up the Stage!!" Composed of Cowboys offensive linemen, this heavy metal lineup won't even release an album until this fall. Call it a gut feeling, but I think something about their music will definitely make you "run for the hills."
Then again, they can't be any worse than Tony Romo's former squeeze, right?
9. Bronson Arroyo, Covering the Bases
Relive your favorite grunge covers performed by a pitcher Tim McCarver once called "Brandon." Because grunge is a genre of music that demands to be performed by amateurish performers, isn't it? Just what you had been waiting for!
8. Oscar De La Hoya, Oscar De La Hoya
I don't care if it was nominated for a Grammy. This was horrible. De La Hoya recording a tribute to Latin pop looked like the second-worst decision he had made outside the ring after those pictures of him in drag were released. When those pictures indeed proved to be fake, this held up as clearly the worst decision the boxer ever made in his storied career.
Hopefully, the boredom of retirement won't lure him back into the studio.
7. Various, Wrestlemania: The Album
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who think wrestling is real and those who know it is fake. There are also those who would pay to hear wrestlers sing and those who wouldn't. If you can't tell, I'm part of the latter group.
Then again, Simon Cowell helped produce Wrestlemania: The Album, so how bad could it really be? (I'm sure the frosty, sarcastic Brit could think of a few adjectives.)
6. Stickfigure (Jack McDowell), Memento Mori
This is the latest album from the latest band featuring "Black" Jack McDowell—the former Cy Young pitcher with the Chicago White Sox in 1993—whose insistence on being a rock 'n' roller has shown that he's more dangerous with a guitar in his hand than he ever was with a baseball.
And he could be very dangerous with a baseball, winning 22 games in that Cy Young season.
Here are some sample lyrics from Memento Mori's "Magenta":
"She's ready now/
But you'd never have to mention/
She's steady now/
No signs of her dementia/
I'm still waiting for her to say/
I feel magenta."
Whoa, man, that, like, wow...makes no sense.
Let me get this straight, Jack: you're the one who's been trying a second career in music for the last 15 years and she's the one with dementia?
5. Ron Artest, My World
His tribute to Michael Jackson earlier this summer notwithstanding, RonRon is a fairly awful musician. As a Laker fan, I was torn by his signing with my team. Sure, I think he'll be a great addition on the court, but as someone attempting to avoid his music career, I'm not pleased. Not in the slightest. Are you? If so, maybe you should give tracks like "Chum Sandwich," "Caca," "Fecal Recal" and "Retard" another spin.
Then again, you've got to give "Tru Warier" some credit for self-awareness with songs like, "I'd Rather Take Kobe's Elbow To The Neck Again (Than Listen To My Own Album)" and "Anyone Who Has Access to a Mic And Pro Tools Can Embarass Themselves."
4. Terry Bradshaw, I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry
There's Terry getting his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Nope, it's not for music.
As a country singer, Terry Bradshaw was a great quarterback. Have a listen:
Never let it be said that Bradshaw was undeterred. He produced six (six!) country-western albums. Trying to pick the least worst album is like choosing the favorite venereal disease you got from that lady back at the truck stop. I think Terry might have had a song about that, too.
So, anytime he might annoy you during FOX's pregame broadcasts this upcoming football season, remember to think to yourself, "At least it's keeping him from singing into a microphone."
3. Deion Sanders, Prime Time
This is often thought of as the worst album ever made by a pro athlete, but history now looks more kindly on the bad rap put out by athletes who were inspired by MC Hammer in the early 1990s.
There was lead cut "Must Be the Money," which even got its own music video:
Um, okay, well then, how about these lyrics from "It's All Real"?
"My homies call me Prime, my numbers 21/
And you can see me on the field havin' much fun/
Well, I made my money like a pro/
Drop the top on my benz, now all you suckas know."
Okay, maybe not.
Neon, don't hurt 'em.
By 'em, I mean my ears.
2. Kobe Bryant, Vision
This hurts me more than it hurts you, Kobe. No, seriously. I tried to forget this ever happened, but in any serious discussion of bad music from pro athletes, the Vision you once had has to be discussed. Mercifully, the record company pulled the album before it could ever reach shelves, which would have probably landed you in the top spot on this list, but I still can't unremember hearing the lead single, "K.O.B.E" on L.A. radio during summer 2000.
Or you rapping in Italian to Tyra Banks for the first and last time on national television. Don't believe me? Just watch this train wreck for yourselves:
Lasagna, pasta, Andrea Bargnani. You should have spit whatever other Italian words you could think of at the moment, Kobe, because you were saying arrivederci to your rap career right at that moment.
Of course, Kobe, when it comes to a list like this, I'm sure this is one time when you have no problem coming in second to...
1. Shaquille O'Neal, The Best of Shaquille O'Neal
The biggest problem with Shaq wasn't so much his rapping. He could actually craft some pretty creative and witty rhymes, as evidenced by his pre-2009 Lakers championship takedown of Kobe last summer.
It was more his insistence upon rapping that was the problem. Throughout the Nineties, when Shaq should have been working on cementing his status as M.D.E. (Most Dominant Ever), he seemed more preoccupied with entertainment ventures like starring in horrible movies (Diesel or Kazaam, anyone?), rap videos, or on his own albums.
That he had the audacity to release an album called The Best of Shaquille O'Neal pretty much tells you everything you need to know about The Big Aristotle's self-glorified music career.
We can only hope that once he decides to hang up his big size 23s, he stays far, far away from the music stage. Same goes for everyone else on this list, including Barry Zito. Hopefully, the laughter he inspired this week will inspire him to work on refining his curve rather than tuning his guitar.