Exclusive: Reasons Why Only Manchester City is Spending Big
After we all have to suffer through another signing, perhaps more than one by the Citizens, we may end up asking where they are keeping the money tree.
With Hughes' extreme spending in a supposed world recession, most of us have begun to clamour for all of our clubs to do the same so that City won't be a problem for us during the season.
Has anyone responded to our cry? No.
With most other English clubs either spending very little, or waiting until they sell another player before even using their money (usually less money than they got in the deal) to bring in new blood, the fans have begun to question what happened to all of the money that we were blowing in the transfer window just a few years ago?
Well a stunning new report has given us new insight into the lack of apparent funds in the Premiership. With this report we can see that it isn't that our owners and coaches haven't heard our cries, it seems to be that the money was needed elsewhere.
With this information now public, it seemed best to share it with the rest of the soccer world so that we can all begin to understand our club's woes.
Here's why your team can't spend like a Citizen.
With the age of the Chelsea first team rapidly reaching an average age of 30+, Ancelotti felt that the team needed a morale boost more than they needed fresh blood.
With two heart breaking losses in the Champions League for two straight years, Ancelotti was concerned that the self-esteem of his elite group would suffer even more if the gray hair and bald spots began to show.
With his first mass order of Rogaine, he was successful in reshaping the hair of his team (especially Shevchenko) and was looking forward to their improved performance.
However, when Anelka and Alex began to feel left out, the gaffer began to pour money into hair re-growth research, only to find that there is really no true cure.
With two devastated, key players now on his team, he offered to give them some of his own gray locks, but Alex didn't look quite right and Anelka felt that he resembled Morgan Freeman far too closely.
This resulted in more money being put into the research until Chelsea found themselves just as poor as Drogba's post-game language. Don't be surprised to see Ancelotti's hair not quite as thick as it has been in the past because of his failed "donation"— but expect a very confident side.
(Note: Petr Cech, although happy with his new look, will be covering his hair so that fans are not mesmerized onto the pitch by his new suave styling)
Manchester United's Reasons
Manchester United has reported that several executives at the club have recently been let go. The reasons why had been largely speculated until an anonymous player gave us the true reason for the sacking.
Apparently some of the new higher ups, after seeing their first United game, assumed that Sir Alex, if he chews such a large wad of gum during every game, must consume an unnatural amount of gum.
This prompted them to buy out several smaller gum companies in order to make a little money on the side and be able to avoid large expenses to feed Sir Alex's habit.
Obviously, these plans fell through. Presumably their lack of research was their downfall as they purchased several companies that the Manchester United's helmsman would never allow into his mouth. With the purchase of Big League Chew, Bubble YUM, and Nicorette, the Manchester executives soon found themselves actually losing a lot of money.
When they approached Sir Alex to discover why he wasn't using their gum, he let them in on an age old secret—it's the same chunk of gum. Sir Alex has conveniently placed, under every manager's seat in every stadium, a hunk of gum that only the old Scotsman knows about.
This also, Sir Alex said, is the reason he sold C. Ronaldo. CR7 was stealing his gum and using smaller pieces of it to hold his hair in place during matches. Hopefully Madrid has prepared accordingly.
All of these factors have caused the true reason that the Red Devils have no money: players have been forced to chew the gum and this has caused gum to be found stuck to everything everywhere. All the way from the training ground into Old Trafford, and the costs to remove that gum have sent Man U's bank accounts tumbling downwards.
Lets at least hope they give the janitors a raise.
(Note: Recently Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes had to quit using the gum as they soon found that their advanced age and use of gum didn't mix...but luckily all of the teeth that came out have been replaced)
With their new American owners and their apparent ability to see conflict in the future (HA!), they hired Mr. Mike Tyson to teach Captain Steven Gerrard a few things.
When Tyson accidentally punched Gerrard in the crotch during practices (remember that groin injury late in the season?) he was asked to leave.
Unluckily for Liverpool, they had signed a contract and Tyson brought his lawyers in to play. They attempted to settle outside court and ended up paying Mike far more than they wanted; apparently during the negotiations he walked around the table and was feeling everyone's ears.
This caused the owners to, apart from wetting themselves, throw money at the problem until they were giving away all the money that Rafa was going to use in the transfer window.
(Note: It has also been rumored that the rest of their money has gone into giving Jamie Carragher speech lessons. In his last interview, everyone said that the only words they could understand were "Stevie" and "goal." Carragher has not taken well to the classes and has actually digressed, his apparent frustration came from a teacher's comment that "Even Chelsea's coach speaks better English").
All of us have either been amazed or befuddled at some of Arsene Wenger's youth signings in the past. Well, don't expect any of that to change with all of the money he has spent this year developing Arsenal's new youth program.
Arsene Wenger has brought several bright minds together in order to find a way to be able to tell if a fetus will have natural soccer talent. The costs for the program are astronomical, but Wenger remains adamant that this is necessary to remain competitive for years to come.
The only problem with his plan, as was pointed out by departing Gunner Toure, is that by the time we know if his plan works he will have already had to be hospitalized from stress associated with his injury-prone team.
Critics point out that "The Professor's" hiring of several Gynecologists for his new program may affect the performance of the team since the other physios have had to be let go so that they can afford the new team of doctors.
How well can Fabregas and Co. function if their fitness and health people keep checking for problems in the wrong places?
(Note: Nasri has denied rumors that he was prescribed birth control by the new team of doctors, but his recent drug screening did show a very high level of estrogen. Wenger spent his remaining money fixing Nasri's new need for a bra).
Hull City's Reasons
This has been a long time coming, and has even been poked fun at for some time now, but Hull City's financial report released to stock holders this past week has shown them where all the money has gone.
The phone bill.
We all have seen and chuckled at Phil Brown's headset for some time now, but the truth has finally hit the fan as we see that his constant chatting with someone or something has finally caught up with him.
At first, the supporters demanded to know who he was talking to, but now, we have discovered that the managerial position for Hull paid so little that Brown was actually telemarketing during games to make a little extra cash on the side.
He had failed mention to the supporters that he was using their team's phones to make his business calls, but now he will have to answer for the massive bill on Hull's doorstep.
Still, even with the bill, there should have been a little money left around for something. Why no huge signing? Because the rest of the money also disappeared before Brown could spend it on a player.
Hugh Laurie from the hit TV show House is apparently suing Phil Brown for stealing his look. Although sometimes he doesn't look "exactly" like Laurie, most of the time the two look like identical twins.
Laurie feels that Brown is looking like him on purpose to raise his personal status with the people. Hull has settle with Laurie for an undisclosed amount.
(Note: Hugh Laurie could not be reached for comment)
A breaking news bulletin on channel 875574 for those of you with mythical satellite service said last night that the recently promoted Wolves may soon have to offload a large amount of money.
Apparently several famous wolves, or those who have previously used the moniker, have felt that their crest is trying to capitalize on their fame and have filed a suit against the team. A group comprised of the Big Bad Wolf, the NWO's Wolf-pack, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's current representative (among others) are some of the more notable members to bring the suit to court.
While the press has asked why this suit wasn't filed earlier, most replied that they always figured that the team wouldn't ever amount to much and wouldn't present a problem. It seems that their promotion to the Premiership has turned enough heads their direction to possibly empty the Wolves' pockets long before they even have a chance to get comfortable in the top tier.
(Note: The three pigs and Little Red Riding Hood have thrown their full support behind Wolverhampton during this suit. When a rep for the pigs was reached he was quoted as saying "They'll huff and they'll puff, but they won't blow this team down." Little Red was unable to be reached for comment as these events have brought her back into the limelight and she has been in talks with Disney for a movie.)
Two words—Peter Crouch.
With the purchase of the Portsmouth man, Tottenham were unaware of the money they would have to spend to make Crouch comfortable. After having to spend as much as they spent to buy him for his apparent injuries sustained from bumping his head at various places around his new training ground.
To bring clarity to just how many injuries he has received already, Guinness World Records says that he is closing in on a record with just a few more noggin knocks.
The costs spent for medical expenses is nothing in comparison with the changes that Harry Redknapp has called for around his facilities in order to accommodate his new player. The changes called for include, but are not limited to, raised ceilings, raised overhangs, higher urinals in the bathroom, and someone to put Crouch's shoes on for him since he can't reach all the way down to his feet.
(Note: Peter Crouch has apparently experienced so many concussions recently that he actually began to think that he really is a giant. An anonymous source says that Harry Redknapp flew Shaquille O'Neal all the way out to England just to show Crouch that he was closer to normal than he thought)
Newcastle United's Reason
As if anyone would sign with them now even if they had the money.
(Note: We aren't laughing with you Newcastle...we're laughing at you)