I thought we were friends, Jake. You bought me whiskey mixed with...well...nothing.
You introduced me to people at the University of Illinois in Champaign, IL, as Barry Zito. I thought it was a thing we had, but alas, it was all for nothing seeing as our friendship is now filled with LIES!
In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, read my story about getting drunk with Jake Peavy and Roy Oswalt.
In it you will find that Jake Peavy and Roy Oswalt had/have no intentions for playing for the White Sox, which was confirmed earlier this season when Peavy turned down a trade offer using his no-trade clause. When rumors began flying the White Sox were going after Oswalt, he said he would do the same thing.
Although they didn't use the same reasoning they did with me, Peavy saying, "F@#k the White Sox and Ozzie Guillen," while eloquently showing his feelings with two fingers and Oswalt saying, "The White Sox can't afford me,", they held to their word of not coming to the White Sox.
This was until the trade deadline.
I dropped the phone as I saw Jake Peavy being traded to the White Sox for Aaron Poreda, Clayton Richard, Adam Russell, and Dexter Carter scroll across the television.
I didn't know how to feel.
I was excited as a White Sox fan for having a starting rotation of Mark Buehrle, John Danks, Gavin Floyd and Jake Peavy for the next three years, but as a dear friend of Jake Peavy, I felt used. I felt betrayed.
If Jake couldn't come to me with his problems then who could he go to? The family he hunts with in Rantoul, IL, or the friend who claimed to be Brad Penny on the University of Illinois campus?
Or the random girl whose face he licked while he walked through campus?
No, I won't accept that. Why didn't you come to me, Jake? What did I do to deserve this?
Was it because I made fun of the National League? I was drunk, Jake. You know how I get when you give me whiskey and water.
University of Illinois students, stay on the look out for Jake Peavy and Roy Oswalt a month before the baseball season, but do not accept their friendship...even on Facebook.
Roy, you and I are cool; even though you are a bit too short to talk to, you do not fill my mind with LIES.
If you win the White Sox a World Series, I suppose I can put this past us, Jake. Until then, however, walk yourself to your next bar you bastard.
When it comes to pitching, Jake Peavy is an ace, but when it comes to friendship, he is an ass.