J.P. Ricciardi's Blackberry on Trade Deadline Day

Ian HunterCorrespondent IJuly 31, 2009

It's less than eight hours before the MLB non-waiver trade deadline, and J.P. Ricciardi's blackberry is undoubtedly buzzing with offers and inquiries about Roy Halladay. Due to advances in technology and incredible reconnaissance work, I was able to obtain and hack into Ricciardi's blackberry and actually foresee which messages he will be receiving today:




9:22amRed Sox General Manager Theo Epstien checks in to inquire about the Red Sox's offer on the table for Roy Halladay. He's getting a little antsy because he wants to get this all hammered out so he can beat the traffic on the way to his house in the Hamptons.



9:54amNed Colletti of the Los Angeles Dodgers proposes a movie date to discuss trading prospects to get Doc. "Funny People" is ruled out immediately because Colletti is not a fan of Adam Sandler movies.


10:14amTexas Rangers' President Nolan Ryan attempts to use hard bargaining methods such as antagonizing players.

10:15amNolan Ryan immediately apologizes and assures J.P. that he was just trying to use his "southern charm." Ryan also suggests that Halladay might have a better chance of throwing a no-hitter in the AL Central.








11:31amFormer Blue Jay B.J. Ryan inquires about his remaining salary so he can go overhaul his wardrobe entirely to Ed Hardy T-Shirts.

2:14pmJust to stir the pot, New York Yankees' GM Brian Cashman offers up George Costanza for Roy Halladay. Ricciardi ponders countering Halladay for Costanza/Newman, but Cashman declines.

3:42pmParked at the bar at the local Hooters eating chicken wings and drinking watered-down beer, Roy Halladay waits out the trade deadline in solidarity. Doc asks Ricciardi to tell him when it's all over.