Charlie Weis Blasts Eight Belles

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Charlie Weis Blasts Eight Belles
Thought Charlie Weis's comments regarding "thugs and hoodlums" was controversial?

Bad move waking a sleeping giant like the maze and blue with his "To hell with Michigan!" outburst?

The lesson as always? When there's no one left to beat you, just beat yourself. And, after all, the only team that hasn't got the best of Notre Dame is, well, Notre Dame

The coach, when asked about the recent Kentucky Derby fatality, with a mouth full of Krispy Kreme donuts shouted, "To hell with Eight Belles!" The donut crumbs cascaded from his big mouth like Notre Dame tuition money.

"But Coach Weis," the reporters pleaded, "don't you feel any sympathy for a horse that suffered two broken ankles?"

Weis responded, "Hey, my quarterback played with two broken ankles last year!" Weis was, of course, referring to top quarterback recruit, Jimmy Clausen. Clausen lit it up in 2007 with a team record 34 sacks. Of course, Clausen was on the receiving end of those sacks but he took 'em just like a spikey haired, pretty boy from California would -- with complete and utter submission.

Notre Dame's offensive line was unavailable for comment. In fact, there is no official record of last year's team having an o-line.

When Weis was asked what he thought of Michigan coach, Rich Rodriguez, he said, "I don't condone that."

The media, perplexed, asked exactly what he meant by that comment.

Weis responded, "Despite them being a hell-bound football team, I don't condone a sadistic person like Rodriguez coaching a bunch of impressionable kids."

After thorough research, the media soon discovered Weis was confusing Rich Rodriguez with Richard Ramirez, an infamous 1980's serial killer. The season hasn't even begun and Weis sounds more deranged than Miguel Tejada discussing his birth certificate.

Hungry for further comments, the media herd followed Weis to his office located on Notre Dame's campus. Upon entering, the sight of Super Bowl memorabilia adorned the surrounding walls. The crowning achievement of Weis's career, thus far, is his three Super Bowl rings as an offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach for the New England Patriots.

Naturally, the media bombarded Weis with questions about the recent Spygate controversy surrounding New England head coach, Bill Belichick.

"Did you witness any form of cheating firsthand, Charlie?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Weis responded firmly. "Coach Belichick brought an excellent game plan to the table each week. He got some kid to tape our opponents signals before each game and then report back to us."

He continued, "Bill and I then retired to an underground lair beneath Gillette where we reviewed the signals, played drinking games, and drunk dialed Eric Mangini while laughing hysterically. Is that so wrong?"

Before the dumbfounded reporters could respond, Weis's personal assistant interrupted the interview.

"Sir, should I cancel your 8 o'clock?" she asked.

"No," he muttered with a groan, "Tell the alumni I look forward to our meeting and the pleasant sound of their wooden paddles striking my ass."

"Will do, sir. Also, Jimmy Clausen left you a tear-filled voicemail complaining about a pesky hangnail. Should I just send him a cookie?"

Weis has a sudden look of disgust on his face.

"Yeah, just send someone over to rub his belly till he falls asleep."

We are in the presence of a coaching legend, ladies and gentlemen.

A reporter asks, "Coach, can we have a few more minutes of your time before your appointment with the alumni at 8 bells?"

For some reason, Weis grows furious with the phrasing of this reporter's question.

"To hell with Eight Belles!" he yells.

Ah yes, the Charlie Weis experience has come full circle.

You can question Weis's desire to win. You can question his playing-calling. You can even question his ability to dress himself in the morning (from what was said, that might be a problem too).

But never, ever, question his ability to beat a dead horse.

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