"Memory" World Champion Admits to Using Performance Enhancers

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Almonte, ON, Canada

 

After months of investigation and clandestine evidence gathering, world champion Memory player Renee Dupuis has been stripped of his title following accusations and a subsequent admission that he has used Phenserine, a controversial and experimental new drug used to help Alzheimer’s patients with spatial memory and retention.

 

Kara Grant and Michelle Weiss, two well-respected reporters in competitive Memory circles, conducted the exhaustive research and interviewing needed to break the story. Their investigation took them into the seedy underworld of competitive memory, an underworld involving sex, violence, and a plethora of performance-enhancing dugs.

Things got dangerous when, after visiting a pharmacist who had allegedly sold Dupuis some gingko biloba, the two women came out to find their tires slashed and a note "Stop the witch hunt."

The two women simply turned up the heat, knowing they must be getting close. They stayed the course, and ultimately found proof that Dupuis has been cheating his way to the top as far back as 2003.

 

They then confronted Dupuis with an overwhelming amount of damning evidence, which forced him to admit to not only Phenserine, but the usage of other memory enhancers such as Ginkgo Biloba, Tacrine, and another highly controversial drug coded MEM 1414, better known as “the grey” in Memory circles.

 

The Dupuis incident has rocked the world of competitive memory to its very core. Tricia Halpern, spokesperson for the Memory Athletic Association, or MAA, had this to say: “We do not promote, accept, or condone Mr. Dupuis’ use of these substances, all of which are banned under the MAA’s collective bargaining agreement.

"Mr. Dupuis has placed an unwashable stain upon our great sport, and we are saddened and disappointed for people who remember things anywhere in the world. Mr. Dupuis has been banned for life from competitive Memory and stripped of all prior titles and accomplishments.

"He’s lost the right to ever remember anything competitively again, and in fact, if justice were to be truly served, he would not be able to remember family vacations, his childhood, or anything else of import.

"In my opinion he’s disrespected memory itself and lost the right to remember anything, ever. We cannot, of course, regulate his personal life nor wipe his memory clean; but that would be justice, in my eyes.”

 

Many involved with the “sport” feel vindicated. Whispers of PEDs first surfaced during the 2007 Championships in Madrid, when Dupuis annihilated the competition.

His dominance was so total that many decried the record as null and void, while others demanded that there be an asterisk attached to his name and the record, so convinced was everyone that he had dosed.

Heavy controversy has surrounded the Quebec native since, and the constant speculation had cast a dark and heavy shadow over his accomplishments. But there had been no proof. Now, there is.

 

From a MAA perspective, the hard-hitting reporting of Grant and Weiss finally exposing Dupuis solves the uncomfortable problem of how to deal with an alleged cheater as champion.

 

“It’s a victory for all the people who use their brains and brains only to remember things,” stated Jimmy Whalen, the new, legitimate Memory champion who will be crowned in a ceremony this coming Saturday. “Renee besmirched the idea of remembering almost beyond repair, but my fellow Memorists and I plan on working hard, getting out in the community and actively speaking out against cheating.

"Anything we can do to raise awareness and repair the damage and disillusionment Renee has caused with his sickening and corrupt behaviour.”

 

When asked why he did it, Dupuis looked sheepish. “I forgot I took that stuff,” he said.

 

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