About a month ago, WWE had this thing called "The Bash" and I wrote a totally super awesome preview for it where I looked at what should happen, not necessarily what would happen.
Like everything else I do (including racy posing in magazines) it was met with rave reviews from children and adults alike.
The "Idealist" Preview is back, and looking at Night of Champions.
Now, to quote some of the most famous people ever to fancy themselves as journalists (key phrase being "fancy"): We've got a lot to get to, so let's get started, shall we?
Champion listed first.
Women's Title: Michelle McCool vs. Melina
I'm just assuming this is the women's title match because, surprise surprise, now that Michelle McCool won the belt, it's already managed to slip into the SmackDown Netherworld.
Melina should win.
McCool is a serviceable chaser, but she's the J.P. Losman of champions or in other words, she sucks with a belt.
Having McCool lose would keep her in a feud which would appease the fans she apparently has, and would give the belt back to Melina who, until Natalya decides to get in the mix, is just the best damn thing going on the SD women's card.
Ideal Winner: Melina
Diva's Title: Maryse vs. Mickie James
In the evening's slightly (vastly) superior women's match, two divas will fight it out for the Lil' Bratz belt.
Everyone who has ever had a bit of contact with me knows that I am a hardcore Mickie James mark. Nothing will make my women's wrestling viewing better until she gets the belt.
However: The ideal scenario here is a Maryse retainment.
This feud has been a consistent bright spot on a drearily inconsistent RAW, and last week topped the cake by having an interview segment that had a very old school feel. With the blacked out lights, the stage at the front of the audience instead of the ring, and opponents coming out of the shadows, WWE went back in time to use the same setup that worked great with Gene Okerlund during the Mega Powers split.
Besides that, Mickie should take the crown at what's arguably WWE's No. 2 event of the year: SummerSlam.
I'll gladly see a Mickie loss if she gets a win at SummerSlam.
Ideal Winner: Maryse, even though I'll gladly take a Mickie win on Sunday.
Unified Tag Title: Chris Jericho & ??? vs. Legacy
There is absolutely no reason Legacy should pick these titles up.
Jericho is a huge name for a title that is rebuilding itself, and he has no other place to go on SD. Meanwhile, Priceless hasn't exactly had enough good showing to justify them getting one by on ol' Y2J. For Christ's sake, Cody got chopped by friggin' Seth Green.
Whoever scores a win with Jericho would get a huge boost; I'm sure he'll need it.
Ideal Winner: Y2Who
US Championship: Kofi Kingston vs. Miz vs. MVP vs. Carlito vs. Swagger vs. Big Show
Step by step, I'm going to show everyone why the U.S. Title needs to be retained by Kofi here.
MVP and Swagger are already set to feud without a belt; adding the U.S. Title to this does nothing for anybody and kills some of Kofi's much needed momentum as an actual baby face; not that Cena/Hardy pushing the envelope face crap.
Carlito should seriously consider just making up with Primo. Barring that, they should engage in a brother vs. brother feud which would be a repeat of a repeat.
Thanks, Hart brothers, at least one set made it memorable.
That leaves Big Show and Kofi. I'm all for these two feuding, but Big Show smacked Evan Bourne around two weeks ago; what would smacking Kofi around and then taking his belt do for anybody? Show has his strength back...apparently.
Besides, the U.S. Title needs a nice long run with somebody who people give a damn about.
Ideal winner: Kofi Kingston
Intercontinental Championship: Rey Mysterio vs Dolph Ziggler
Slightly under 140 days ago, JBL won the IC belt off CM Punk on RAW and ever since then, it's been held by a shoo-in Hall of Famer. (Punk's career is too young to include him in that group, even though I do happen to think he's got the goods.)
Ziggler is already getting top heel reactions---for the love of God, he got fans to get behind Great Khali...Great frikkin' Khali.
Couple that with Ziggler's lack of a belt to this point and the fact that he's only starting, not finishing a feud with Rey, and the answer of why Ziggler should win is clear.
A Ziggler loss leaves little room for the feud to progress and then where will both of these guys go? Mysterio looks to be out of the WHC picture and Ziggler isn't going to get moved ahead of Punk for the WHC heel spot.
Besides, Ziggy has shown a lot now that he's doing more than incessantly repeating his name all the time.
Ideal Winner: Dolph "I need my old entrance music back" Ziggler
ECW Championship: Tommy Dreamer vs. Christian
I realize I'm probably a hypocrite for saying this, since I rip on TNA for being too old all the time. I'm justified there though, I mean honestly how can you call yourself Big Sexy when you look like somebody who might be running from Duane Chapman?
Anyway, the point is that Tommy Dreamer should win here.
Whether the retirement angle was just an angle or there's some truth in it meaning he'll leave once he drops the title, he should retain for two reasons.
One, he's given a lot to the business and is still very over. While he has a huge following in Philly because of his work in the real ECW, Night of Champions just isn't a big enough show for someone who means what Tommy means to go out.
Dreamer shouldn't drop the belt until SummerSlam, and then only if he's legitimately looking to retire because the second reason is that this title run is just a lot of fun.
Face it, ECW isn't exactly a hot feud breeding ground since we all know Goldust and anybody with the last name Burchill can't get a push in WWE to save their life (get Katie Lea in a title mix damnit).
The Dreamer run is really fun for a lot of people, and Christian is NOT the person to take the belt from him...ever...
Ideal Winner: Tommy Dreamer
WWE Championship: Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. Triple-H
Ladies and Gentlemen, stop the presses and phone your local television stations, because I'm about to do something I've never even thought before.
John Cena should win here.
RAW has seemed a bit lost at the top with Cena out of the title picture; as nice as it is to have his silly ass nowhere near the WWE belt, putting it there is better than watching the rest of the product flounder.
A Cena win gives Orton his rematch on RAW or at SummerSlam. Triple-H can interfere somewhere, and the feud can go away from the belt, opening a slot for a main event push for a young talent. Although with my luck, Vince will read this preview and misinterpret "young talent" to either mean a returning HBK or Mark Henry...fml.
Ideal Winner: John Cena
World Heavyweight Championship: CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy
Jeff Hardy hasn't re-signed. Punk needs to finally finish the heel turn. Hello beatdown of Jeff leading to time off screen to do his art or whatever other stupid projects he wants to do.
Na na na na.
Na na na na.
Hey hey hey.
Hardy sucks.
Na na na na.
Na na na na.
HEY HEY HEY.
GOOD BYE!
Ideal Winner: CM Punk
Epilogue
I guess that's it. JLB and I will be announcing something megaspectacular on Monday. Keep your eyes peeled.
Next week: Ray writes something in Chaucerian meter!
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