The NFL Commissioner's Office likes taping things, too. Namely, telephone conversations. Unfortunately for Roger Goodell, the Commish also has former disgruntled employees...who leak tapes...to guys like me.
You won't believe your eyes as you read the transcript of the recent conversation between Commissioner Goodell (RG) and former Patriots video assistant/current golf pro and general white guy Matt Walsh (MW).
MW: Hello?
RG: Yeah, Matty boy, this is your ol' pal Rodge. How's it hangin', my man?
MW: How's what hanging, Commissioner Goodell? Excuse me ma'am, mind if I play through?
RG: Never mind, dude. Anyway, I was checkin' out those phat videos you sent me...
MW: The Spygate material or the other stuff...
RG: Well, all of it. Wink, wink. But specifically, the Bellidork stuff.
MW: FORE! (Loud crack in background coupled with the sound of someone falling.) Sorry sir, I'm on the phone and swinging with one hand!
Random Old Guy: Ever heard of Bluetooth, you friggin' idiot!
MW: Excellent point, Sir. Might want to ice those! Just to be safe...sorry, Roger. Can you actually call him Bellidork?
RG: I can fine his cheatin' butt $500K, can't I? Where are you right now?
MW: An undisclosed location.
RG: Well, anyway, listen Mattster...hey, do you fish?
MW: Occasionally.
RG: You bait your own hook? You good at it?
MW: Yeah, yeah.
RG: You're a "Mattster baiter!" Dude, that was so awesome! Burn!
MW: Commissioner is there a point to this phone call or are we just going to dabble in innuendo for the next 10 minutes?
RG: Here, let me put my tie back on. (Pause.) Okay, that's much better. Yes, well, Mr. Walsh, I don't think we're going to have to meet Tuesday May 13 after all.
MW: Why the H-E-double-hockey-sticks not? I'm already in New...I mean, an undisclosed location!
RG: Sorry, Mr. Walsh, it's just that these tapes you gave me, it was like watching a "Two and a Half Men" re-run. I've seen it over and over and over again, and it wasn't all that good the first time. I mean, where's that Rams walk-through video I read about in the Globe?
MW: Commissioner, are you feeling okay? I wasn't the source for that...
RG: Then by-gum, who was? We knew those scumbuckets were taping defensive signals. Criminettly, we'd destroyed all that gar-bahge. Now I learn they're taping offensive signals...lah-dee-freakin'-dah! Before you know it, I'm going to have to investigate something like they're playing with the communications system in Foxboro...
MW: I have no idea what you're talking about, Sir. After all, I'm just a golf pro. I teach golf. For a living.
RG: Well, Mr. Walsh, watching those tapes with my staff was a real let-down. We'd made popcorn and ordered pizza. Crap, I even made everybody wear pajamas. I wished I'd phrased it differently. I told one guy, "Just wear what you wear to bed." He showed up naked...I'll have to deal with that next week.
MW: Are we done here then? I'd like to get back to Hawaii.
RG: Yeah, I think we've done enough to get Senator Sphincter, er Specter, off our backs.
MW: Off your back, Sir.
RG: Indeed. Well thanks for everything, Matt. Especially those other tapes.
MW: I'm going to get a drink now...
(Click.)
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