I might be a slow learner, but I get there in the end.
Intense study, whole minutes of it, has taught me that, to paraphrase H.L. Mencken, nobody ever lost readers by underestimating the taste of the Bleacher public.
To rephrase that, the customer is always right, and Bleacher readers do seem to like slideshows. And hot babes.
Titillation is very popular, my friends, and how does that word begin? Say it loud, say it slow, you'll feel all the better for it.
And if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Here we go then, on to Scott's sleazy slideshow. Starting on Suggestive Street, we will visit Cleavage Canyon, Bra-Strap Boulevard, Pantie Place, and other dream locations.
For our first call, we see a study titled "Russian With Fruit."
Woman—mouth—banana. Let your imaginations run wild, boys—she only does it to tease you.
Now look, I don't want to hear any complaints, and there will be no refunds.
Back in 1935 Helen Wills Moody was the tennis babe, and if you look carefully you can actually see one of her knees.
Apart from her babelicious status, Moody won 31 Grand Slams and was the first world-famous American sportswoman.
In those days, of course, Russian girls were not posing on tennis courts with bananas; they were making cabbage soup and studying the works of Lenin. They knew their place.
Now we see a black chick with her legs akimbo—how hot is that?
Actually, when Althea Gibson started playing there weren't any black people. But there were quite a lot of colored people, although they were barred from playing in the white folks' tournaments.
In 1950, Althea was entered into the U.S. Championships when a leading tennis magazine ran an editorial against segregation in the sport, and she went on to win five Grand Slams.
What am I doing with all this tennis stuff? Time to change the record.
Now we come to a more homely kind of beauty, and I want to ward off any allegations that this is not a sexy photo by reminding you it's all a matter of taste.
Russian shot-putter Irina Korzhanenko is seen here in the process of winning a gold medal at the 2004 Olympics in Athens.
Sadly her urine let her down by revealing the presence of steroids, so Irina was disqualified and banned from further competion.
Irina stoutly denied taking steroids and refused to hand back the medal. As they could not find anyone tough enough to take it from her, I believe she still has it.
All of this gives us some strong hints about the use of steroids in muscle-mass sports and the pressure athletes must be under. I opine that the drugs pressure is greatest on women who compete in sports that really require a man's physique and strength.
Heidi Krieger, the fine young lady in the photo, was an East German shot-putter, and like many athletes from that country, she was heavily dosed with the anabolic steroid Oral Turinabol.
The drugs worked fine inasmuch as Heidi won a gold medal at the European Championships in 1986, but they also turned her into a biological man.
Heidi would not have been compelled to take steroids, but she would have compelled herself to take them because there was no other way for her to win in her sport.
The end of the Heidi Krieger story is that after a little surgery to finish the job she became a man named Andreas.
The prevalence of steroid use has led to a whole battery of sex tests being deployed at events such as the Olympics. Sex hormones, genes, and chromosomes are checked to ensure they match the gender under which the competitor is entered.
Is it possible that in the name of liberty and equality women are competing in muscle sports that nature did not intend them to compete in?
This is where I really enter into the spirit of things.
No sport is more perfect for a Bleacher slideshow than women's beach volleyball.
Near-naked young women prance about in the sand for a while, and then they hug and kiss. What else do you want? Best not tell me.
I could explain the scoring system to you if I thought for one millisecond you'd be interested.
These contestants, I suggest, appear on TV, the Internet, and in magazines for one reason only: They look good.
Is looking good a sport?
When I first saw the word pedophile, I thought it was something to do with feet. Previously I had only heard of child molesters.
I think I would move heaven and earth to prevent my granddaughter from appearing on the world's T.V. screens like this as a special treat for men who relish young girls.
Or would I be tremendously proud of her achievements?
It's only the questions I've got, not the answers.
This slide was almost inevitable.
Ms. Patrick is famous for some semi-nude photo shoots, famous for being the only woman driver in IRL, and famous for being famous.
She is not famous for being a great auto racing driver, but what the hell.
If she's willing to play the cheesecake bimbo and to reap a rich harvest of money from that role, then who's exploiting who?
Who's a gawking fool, and who's a shrewd businesswoman?
As a big motor sports fan, I would very much like to see more women involved, at the least because it is a sport they can succeed in without using drugs to bulk up.
I believe, and I need to believe, that the sport will give women a chance based on their lap times, and that I and other fans will be adult enough not to expect that they play the babe.
This is the end of my tour of women in sport.