Well, judging by the lack of comments for my "It's A Conspiracy, I Tell You! AFC East Edition" slideshow a few weeks ago, I was determined NOT to post another "It's a Conspiracy, I Tell You!" piece.
Guess it wasn't funny enough...but heck, whats not to laugh at, with Rex Ryan's look of irony or players bowing to Tony "Soprano" Sparano?
Maybe I just did the wrong division. The thing is, being a Fins fan I tend to follow what's happening in the AFC East.
But then, Big Ben of Steeler Super Bowl victory fame seems to have gotten himself into a jam when he was at Lake Tahoe's Harruh's Casino and meeting up with Andrea McNulty, who has now accused him of "sexual assault."
As they used to say about Namath, "Say It Ain't So," Ben!
I mean, with that gorgeous Super Bowl Ring of yours, you don't need that floozy! And what were you doing in that den of iniquity, anyway?
Well, I got a hold of Andrea herself. "Fact is, Benny Boy was betting all that Super Bowl money of his on whether I would give him a blow job!"
Instead, she ruefully admitted, "He gave me one...right up the old sex assault alley!"
So then, I asked her, "Why didn't you file a police report?" Because I can't find a sports site anywhere where it can be verified that she filed a police report before filing sex assault charges on the Steeler Quarterback.
"Because," she responded, "then I'd have to admit the real reason I charged him with sex assault is because I'm a Cardinals fanatic and I want to hurt the Steelers real bad by messing around with Big Ben!"
And then, other wierd happening started to occur inside a division, the AFC North, that I ordinarily couldn't care less about.
Now, before you all start thinking that picture he's holding is part of the conspiracy, forget about it. It is NOT Derrick Mason leaping tall buildings at a single bound.
More likely it's Rex himself.
In case you didn't know, Ryan was interviewed by Bill Parcells in looking to win the Miami Dolphins coaching job in January, 2008. Well, since he didn't get the job, he's been pee-oed at the Dolphins ever since.
This might explain why the Ravens clobblered the Fins twice last year, including Miami's first playoff appearance since 2002: Rex wanted revenge, not the Ravens themselves after the ignomy of being the only team to lose to the Dolphins in 2007.
But that wasn't enough for Rex. He's holding up that picture to show everyone what a Superman he really is.
I was at that press conference introducing him to the Jets.
I asked him, "Mr. Ryan, what's the real reason you are becoming the new head coach of the Jets?"
His response: "Deb, the Dolphins spurned me! My defense beat those SOB's twice last year and knocked them out of the playoffs. I took the Jets job to keep on beating them good. After all, to paraphrase James Bond, 'Twice Is Not Enough'."
So what does all this have to do with the AFC North? Neither the Fins nor Jets play in this division.
Well, but the Ravens do. See the next slide for clarification on this.
Now this is from the horse's mouth himself. Raven's head coach Jim Harbaugh told the NFL Network:
"Rex really, really, really couldn't stand the fact that the Ravens would not be playing the Dolphins in 2009. Since the Jets would be playing them twice, and since he really, really, really wants to keep on beating them, I told him, 'Okay Rex, we loved you here in Baltimore, but if you really, really, really want to go to New York and keep on beating up on those doofy Dolphins, it's okay with me if you leave for the Jets."
Not only that, but when Harbaugh said "Baltimore" he said it correctly: "Ball-mer!" Now that's homey!
After being fired from the New York Jets, Mangini was contacted by many, many NFL teams looking for a new head coach. Some teams were tired of the rah-rah approach of their fired coaches and wanted a more "cerebral" type guy, and as everyone knows, no NFL head coach is more cerebral than "the Mangenius"!
I mean, that picture says it all when one thinks of "genius"! Everyone knows that nerds...er, geniuses, love to shuffle papers around. Makes 'em look smart, you see.
And seeing as how former (and fired) Browns coach Romeo Crennell looked a wee bit too much like Dennis "the Bears are who we thought they were!" Green, late of the Cardinals, the management of the "Dawg Pound" wanted a more serious, unflappable type guy.
Folks, NO ONE has looked more unflappable than Eric Mangini!
And that's why the Browns chose the guy.
There is WR Chad Ocho Cinco doing what he does best, flapping his mouth!
But anyway, No. 85 told me personally, "Deb, I'm gonna stay with the Bungles...er, Bengals. All those criminal types we've had on this team over the years...well, that's all changed. Since I ain't gonna get blamed for all the crimes we've done anymore, I've decided to stay in Cincy."
Then he said tongue in cheek, "Besides, if you're looking for the next 'America's Most Wanted Team', you better start heading over to Pittsburgh!"
I mean, come on, folks, is this the kinda guy—seen here at the ESPY Awards—who could do such a nasty thing to some chick who worked the Harruh's Casino in Lake Tahoe?
In other words, is this the face of a sex abuser?
IMHO, all Ben Roethlisberger did was try to get her to understand that it was nothing personal against her when the Steelers beat her Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl in the waning minutes.
"I mean. Andrea," he told her, "that's what the Rooney's pay me to do, win Super Bowls. I personally have nothing against the Cardinals. I mean, me and Kurt Warner are fishing buddies!"
So, no, Andrea and all you Cards fans out there, this ain't gonna work, distracting Big Ben from winning another Super Bowl for the Steelers...
Unless the Dolphins—oh! sorry for my impertinence! the Patriots—win it first.